I promise you. The Good Lord places me in the strangest situations because he wants me to make a movie. What I am about to write… You won’t believe happened, BUT IT IS TRUE. Prepare yourself for the FOOLERY!
About 4pm Wednesday I started itching really bad around my stomach. The itching crept up to my neck and down my back. By the time I left work I was scratching like Dave C. doing his “Just sprinkle some crack” sketch.
That was the longest subway ride of my life. Everyone on the 3 train looked at me in a puzzling way like “she looks to put together to be a junkie????”
By the time I hit my apartment door my clothes were already half off. I could not take it! I quickly jumped in the shower. I was feeling relieved. This lasted only about 1 min. As soon as I dried off the itching struck back! I heard my roommate put the key in the door and I yelled to her.
Me “I can’t stop itching”
Roommate “What happened!”
Me “I don’t know, I’m itching all over!”
Roommate “Are you hot?”
Me “No, I’m itchy”
It was only 3 weeks ago when I got taken from work in an ambulance and my roommate and a co-worker sat in Roosevelt hospital with me for half the day… so I knew roommate was not in the mood to fool around with me this evening (that’s another blog). I called my friend Richelle who lives in Motown.
Richelle “What’s up?”
Me “I have the heebee gee bees!”
Richelle “What!”
Me “I can’t stop itching. I took a shower, I rubbed cream all over my body, popped two Benadryl and now I am sitting in front of the fan.”
Richelle “Try rubbing ice on your body to sooth it. What did you eat today?”
Me “Chicken noodle soup…”
Richelle “With a soda on the side?”
Me “No, I don’t drink pop. Ummm Cool Ranch Doritos, 4 pieces of salt water taffy, the orange peanut butter crackers, and 2 bowls of Special K. Nothing out of the usual.”
That’s when I went to the bathroom to get more cream… when I looked in the mirror…I saw I was breaking out on my face.
Me “OMG I’m breaking out!”
Richelle “you are having a reaction to something!”
My roommate came in to confirm that I was breaking out. I wasn’t going crazy. I then lifted the beater I was wearing to find that I was breaking out all over my chest. Lumpy breasts are NEVER A GOOD LOOK!
Me “Richelle, I got to go. I’m going to the hospital!”
I grabbed my insurance card and my wallet and ran outside to catch a cab.
Me to the cab driver “Get me to the emergency room FAST!”
There are no yellow cabs in the area I live… just hustle- man cab drivers that use their personal cars for cabs. When I arrived at the hospital this man charged me 12 bucks.
Me “we are on 168th …. You picked me up from 148th! This is not a 12 dolla ride!”
Cab Driver “It’s 6 dollars per 10 blocks.”
Me “Whatever Son. Just give me my change!” (by this time I’ve scratched parts of my body raw and am in pain)
On the way inside I caught my reflection in the door. I resembled Will Smith after he ate that shell fish in the movie “Hitch”.
You have never witnessed ghetto until you take a trip to a hospital in Harlem. HOTT MESS. The waiting room was flooded with Blacks, Puerto Ricans, Haitians…. and the police. It was about 30 degrees in the waiting room. Everyone (included the nurses) were rockin hospital blankets trying to keep warm. The line to get checked in was long and people were complaining.
Man “I’ve been here for 4 Motha F&*ckn Hours! When am I going to see a GOT DAMNED DOCTOR!”
Woman “This Hospital is a piece of Shit! Yall don’t give a damn about NOBODY”
(50 more people joined in. There was a lot of neck rollin and finger snapping going on)
I don’t think I’ve seen such an angry mob in my life. I was feeling so miserable I knew I had to think smart and fast so that I could see a Dr. right away! I turned on my white girl swag.
Me (EXTRA POLITE) “Excuse me sir. How long will it be until I am able to see a doctor? I am having an allegoric reaction and need urgent care. I have insurance!”
(by the looks of the people in the waiting room… I knew they did not have insurance.)
Dude Nurse “You have insurance? Well, come on back. I can see in your face that you are having an allergic reaction.”
PRAISE THE LORD I DID NOT HAVE TO SIT IN THE FREEZING COLD WAITING ROOM WITH THE MOB!
I have never seen a hospital set up like this. No one had a personal room. It was set up like the armory in the military movies where beds are lined up side by side. I was led into a room that was already being occupied by 2 older black gentlemen who were taking some sort of asthma treatment which looked like they were smoking on weed. I sat in a corner. One looked like he worked construction; the other was dressed like an old school Harlem pimp.
Pimp “What’s with all the scratching mamma, you on that stuff?”
(I was kind of scared. I didn’t answer)
Construction “Don’t worry. We won’t hurt you. This is asthma treatment, we aint smoking nothing illegal in here. What’s the matter, your man give you something you can’t get rid of?”
Me “No, If you must know, I am having an allegoric reaction!”
Construction “Well, you’ve come to the wrong place. I’ve been coming to this damned hospital for 36 years and they will have you sitting there all night. They don’t care about you here. The time is now 9:30pm and I’ve been here since 5 and I still have not received the pills they are supposed to give me after an attack.”
Pimp “I just come up here to get my treatment. They take so long I go in the backs and takes me a shower.”
By this time a hood rat chick (Kool-Aid red hair, arm tats, Baby Phat…. You get the point) gets wheeled into our room. Blood flowing down her leg like a river.
Pimp “DAMN! What the F*&K happened to you??!!!!”
Rat “Mane, (code for “Man”). This bitch stabbed me 2 days ago. Twice in my back and once in my knee.”
Pimp “Where were you?”
Rat “Walking into my apartment over on 129th. All this blood is coming through the stitches!”
I turned to look the other direction. This ish right here was NASTY!
Pimp “That’s nothing. Harlem in the 80’s… I’ve been shot UP!, stabbed UP!, and locked UP!”
That’s when the nurse came in
Nurse (to the Rat in the wheelchair) “I’m going to need that wheelchair. We are short and you are not of high priority.”
Me, Pimp, and Construction “DAAAAAAAAMMMNNNN”
Construction “They is cold blooded in this hospital!”
Me (trying not to laugh) “How are they just going to come and take your wheelchair like that?”
Rat had to prop her bloody self up in a folding chair. I had enough. I walked up to the check in/ nurse station and found a dude in a white coat and began telling him my symptoms. He did not know my name, have my chart, nothing! But I could not wait around on this foolishness any longer!
DR (after going through the list of what I ate and what soaps I use) “Well, since it not any of that, sometimes these things can be caused by stress. Are you stressed.”
Me “a little bit.”
DR “I’m going to have the nurse come give you a shot that is going to stop the itching and make the swelling in your face go away. Then you will get two pills. I need you to stay around for a while so we can monitor you.”
I went back to the room. And the nurse came in with the shot.
Rat “DAMN, that’s a big needle”
I looked the other way as the nurse pierced into my shoulder.
Construction “At least someone getting some Motha F*&^ck service in here. Wish I had a reaction so I could get some service!”
(real talk, the nurses were at their stations on myspace)
I was sitting in the folding chair fighting going to sleep…. For fear that I would get gang raped in the hospital.
That’s when this crazy looking Aunt Jemima looking woman stumbled into the room and sat down moaning and groaning. We all just starred at her.
Pimp “Hell, I might as well go take this shower and charge my phone.” (he then pulls out the 1995 Nokia phone… remember the phone where you could change the face plates?)
Me “Okay, later.” (I mean… like I cared)
Next thing I know the police come chasing a bum around the hospital who had just wondered in off the streets.
Next a Puerto Rican woman (who I shall call Taxi) with a crooked face enters our room.
Construction “What’s wrong with your face? O’le scratchy (talking about me) and her reaction looks better than you.”
Taxi “I was on my way to the corner store and got hit by a cab.”
That’s when the nurse came in to talk to Aunt Jemima… but she was not speaking back.
Taxi “She doesn’t speak English”
Nurse “Well, I don’t speak Spanish….”
Taxi “I’ll translate”
OMG! The woman who got hit by a cab, is now translating for the nurse. WOW. Pimp enters the room.
Pimp “I’m just in time. Looks like the hospital is serving dinner.”
I turned to see the nurses passing out HAM AND CHEESE sandwiches. Now, I am no Dr, BUT……. Why would you serve ham (pork… that is not good for you) to a bunch of sick people in the hospital?
Pimp (to me) “Mamma, you aint gonna eat that?”
Me “Naw mack daddy, I’m good.”
Rat “WOULD SOMEONE FUCKIN COME CLEAN MY BLOOD UP OFF THE FLOOR! I DON’T CARE BOUT NO GOT DAMN SANDWICH! I pray to God something is severely wrong so I can sue the shit out of this place!
Pimp then goes to the corner… and begins rollin a blunt.
Pimp “I see reffa is goin to have to be my medication…. since they aint prescribing non up in here….”
Was this dude really rollin in the hospital???????????
We sat in silence for about 10 min.
Pimp “Well, my lady should be getting off in about 20 min. Let me go round this corner and meet her at the 1 train real quick so she can make this 400 off me.”
Rat “Make $400 dollas off you????”
Pimp “yea, you see…. Panties drop, I throws the money up in the air… and whatever hits the ground she can keep!”
Me “I’m done”
By this time the nurse walks in and looks at Pimp as he is packing up his belongings.
Nurse “Are you a patient?”
Pimp “That is my cue to leave good people.” With that, Pimp exited stage right and was gone. (wow, pimp wasn’t even a patient. Just liked the hospital drama.)
Construction (yelling) “36 years of this damn hospital and yall never change!” (by this time he was coughing badly …still, no Doctor. Also, Taxi is now stretched out on the ground and Rat is cursing up a storm in-between bites of her ham.”
I went back to the counter and found my release papers buried in a pile. I found the Dr, asked him to sign them, and he wrote me out two prescriptions. Since I had spent so much time with them… I went back to see Rat and Construction and tell them goodbye.
Construction “Your face is back to normal. You are so pretty I’m going to have another asthma attack!”
On that note… I bounced. But first I went to find a doctor and told him to go see about Construction.
I was home by Midnight. Spent $20 in cab fares and was subjected to ignorance. I was at work by 8:30am.
My face and chest are back to normal and I am no longer itching. I had an extremely tough week at work and once again I got hit with a reminder that everyone who claims to be your friend… is not your friend after some BS I’ve been experiencing in the past few weeks. Like this guy I went out with a few times in college used to say “Jessica, it’s about turning your circle into an oval”. I’ll leave that up to yalls interpretation.
I really just want to be by myself. This weekend I am locking myself in the apartment. I’m at that point where if someone just looks at me wrong I am going to whip their ass. I am going to church in the morning. Satin I rebuke thee!
To all my NY people…. pay attention. If something is to ever happen to me… take me to a hospital out in Jersey! Messing around in Harlem I would die in the waiting room.
