It finally happened. A few weeks ago an ex told me what I have been waiting 5 long years to hear. Ex: “Jess, I was stupid. We were a good pair and I should have never let you go. I’m so sorry for the way I treated you. I was wrong. I fell hard for you then pushed you away. And honestly, you had so much going for yourself I didn’t want to hold you back. You were too good for me.”
I expected trumpets to sound, krump dancers to appear, skittles to rain from the sky, Tyler Perry to quote this in his next film, and perhaps Whitney Houston to ride by on a float belting “I’m Every Woman”. But I felt nothing. And as I thought of something profound to say back along the lines of “I RISE” or “It takes playing with rocks to learn to treasure a diamond” all I could say was… “It’s all good. I’m better because of it.” Wow. Talk about too little too late… I really did not care.
3 weeks ago I jumped back onto the dating scene after taking a brief leave of absence. Quite honestly it is exhausting dealing with weirdos.
I met Mufasa “out” a few weeks ago. (details on the exact way we met is an long story that I promise to share soon.) As an ex college basketball player he stands 6 foot seven, lean, nice smile, caramel… 10 years older than me…..
I have been putting in some overtime at work so every time he asked me out… I declined. Then one Sunday he called me up and said:
Mufasa “I don’t care what you have goin on… you are mine today!” (imagine this in a Bronx accent… it sounds cute in theory, but the way he said it… it came off more like a threat)
Me “Is it still raining?”
Mufasa “NO Beauty, now what do you want to do?”
Me “You’re asking me out… why do I have to come up with something to do?”
Mufasa “Okay, okay. Well, we can go play pool, grab a bite, you can help me wash my car….”
Me “I aint washing shit!” (was this dude serious? Yes… he was)
Mufasa “You really don’t want to help wash the ride?”
Me “How about you come up with a game plan… and then call me back once you have one.”
10 min later I got a text that read “I’m in Times Square near my job. Want to meet up around here? I’m on 45th and 8th”
Me “Perfect. Let’s meet at Latitude.”
I threw on a leather jacket, a hot pink scarf, jeans… and some flats. I don’t believe I even put makeup on. 2 signs that I already wasn’t into dude. On the subway I recalled Mufasa saying that he worked in education, but I couldn’t for the life of me think of a school in Times Square… something in the milk aint clean.
Once at Latitude I spotted Mufasa at the bar. He was grubbing on some mac n cheese and drinking a mojito.
Me “Really? Usually when a guy asks someone out… they wait so we can eat TOGETHER!” (this was strike one)
Mufasa (picks up his plate and moves over to a booth) “We have all night Beauty. I’ll eat again! Now order yourself something. Whatcha drinking?”
Everyone knows my signature drink is a sex on the beach, but when I’m out with guys for the first time I don’t order it. Something about the words “sex” and “beach” make for a night of inappropriate comments.
Me “Can I get a cosmo and an order of calamari please”
I then got a good look at Mufasa. This dude was dressed like he was fresh off the basketball court!
Me “May I ask why you have that sweat band around your head?”
Mufasa “It helps to keep my glasses on. See, when I take it off my glasses slide off my face.”
Me “Why don’t you just get your glasses fitted?”
Mufasa “You feisty Beauty!”
Me “Nah, you just look like Horace Grant right now… when you really don’t have to.”
Mufasa (cracking up) “JOKES! What do you know about Grant?”
We spent the next 10 min making small talk when I asked…
Me “So… where do you teach?”
Mufasa “Teach? I don’t teach…”
Me “Oh… well you said you worked in education I assumed you taught… do you coach?”
Mufasa “Nah…”
Me “Counselor……”
Mufasa (looking uncomfortable) “Nah…. I work for a musical.”
Me (confused… not “working in education”) “Oh… I love the theater… which musical?”
Mufasa “Name some….”
Me “You’re being really shady right now…..”
Mufasa “Just name some musicals and when you guess I’ll tell you.”
Me “Shrek, Mary Poppins, Fela, Hair, Phantom, Little Mermaid, Lion King…..”
Mufasa (extra excited) “A Kuna Ma Tata BABY! That’s me!”
Me (with the “WTF” face on) “So you work for the Lion King… I’ve seen that… you aren’t in it… you work production?”
Mufasa “It depends on the night….”
Me “I’m tired of this game…”
Mufasa “Well, some nights I hand out programs… other nights I seat people… sometimes I work the front…”
Me “You are an usher?”
Mufasa “Yes, I am an usher”
First let me say I’m not knocking anyone’s hustle. Own up to what you do! If you are an usher that does not mean you work for the show… you work for the theater the show happens to be playing at. And Mufasa is 35 years old! The reason I went out with a guy 10 years older than me is because I’m tired of feeling like I have to carry the other person. I’m not about to have the same issues with a 35 year old man that I do with guys my own age! I’ve made piece with the fact that I’m a lot to deal with… and I have to be honest… The Lion King… that just won’t cut it. (strike 2)
Mufasa then showed me a picture on his blackberry.
Mufasa “This is me back when I played ball”
Me “How long ago was that?”
Mufasa “About 12 years ago…..” (yea dude… it’s time to get over it)
All of a sudden this cute Latino guy comes to our table
Mufasa “Yo! Latin Sensation… What’s good Bruh!?” (he really called him Latin Sensation)
Latin Sensation “What’s good Son! My bad you on a date?”
Mufasa “Yea man, but sit for a sec. Beauty here is cool… she won’t mind”
I stuck my hand out to shake Latin Sensation and he kissed it. I tried really hard not to smile… he was kind of cute… okay more than kind of. He sat on the other side of me.
The three of us got to talking and laughing. I was glad Latin Sensation showed up. He was hysterical! Then we started talking about TV.
Latin Sensation “Do you watch that show called The Game?”
Me “OMG! That is my FAVORITE SHOW EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Latin Sensation “Man, I really want Jason and Kelly to get back together!”
Me “Me too, but I don’t know… Jason got with Stacy Dash… it’s going to be hard for her to get back in there…”
We talked about every show on TV. And then Mufasa says:
Mufasa “I don’t watch TV… If it’s not sports… I think it’ dumb.”
Latin Sensation (turns to me) “So where do you work miss lady?”
Me “I work for a Television Network”
Mufasa’s face hit the ground. All he knew was I worked in entertainment. Talk about putting your foot in your mouth!
Latin Sensation “Really?”
Me “Yea… got a degree in it and everything!”
Mufasa “Well since the two of you are having such a good time I’m going to leave you alone for a little bit” with that he got up and went to the bar.
Latin Sensation and I continued talking for about 15 min. He got up when Mufasa came back. Mufasa was a pussy cat for that move… how do you leave another man with someone your out with?
Latin Sensation “Yall going to be out much longer?”
Me “Nah, I have to get home to watch Kendra”
Latin Sensation “Girl, me too!”
Mufasa (extra salty)“Me too! I don’t know who Kendra is, but I’m going to watch her too!”
By this time I’m on my 5th cosmo.
Somehow Mufasa and I got into a conversation about what each other’s “type” is.
Mufasa “I don’t find a girl over 150 lbs attractive”
Me “Good to know. You don’t find me attractive…. Then why am I even here?”
Mufasa “You aren’t more than 150!”
Me “ummm… yes I am.”
Mufasa “Well, not more than 155 at least you don’t look it.”
Me “I’m well over 155. People carry weight differently. At 150 I was a size 4… and it was not a good look. I looked skeletal. That’s a messed up requirement to even have! Some people are just solid. You can’t put a number on it.” (strike 3)
Mufasa “Well….15 of that is in your booty and about 5 in those lips” (this dude needs to learn to SHUT UP!)
Me “Well, you are the type of guy who after their wife gives birth you would be calling her names and constantly telling her how unattractive she is post carrying your baby for 9 months!”
Mufasa “No, I would work out with her…”
Me “I’m over this. Kendra is about to come on. Thanks for the evening. I’m going to take a cab home.”
Mufasa “So what do you want to do on our next date?”
Me “You think there is going to be another one?”
There was only one way this dude could slightly redeem himself. After my dates I put them to a test. My chivalry test. I’ll make you go through a series of doors to see if you open them for me… see if you walk on the outside closest to the street. If I stop to get a pack of gum… do you buy it? I need to be around a man who has me. (yes, I know this is similar to the “chili” test in the movie Deliver us from Eva)
Once outside I spotted Chipotle.
Me “Hey, I don’t have any food at the house. I’m going to grab some chips and salsa for later.”
Once at the door of Chipotle I stopped.
Mufasa “Why aren’t you going in?”
Me “I don’t open doors when in the presence of a man” (my boy Adam taught me this)
Mufasa opened the door. At 35 him asking why I paused... shows me he’s not used to women of my caliber. I ordered my chips. The total was 2 dollars. I looked over at Mufasa who was looking to the sky. I reached in my bag and pulled out two crisp bills.
Back outside I haled my own cab… clearly he did not pass the test. I would never entertain him again.
Mufasa “So maybe the next time I can come scoop you up?”
In New York finding someone with a vehicle is like striking gold. Part of me just wanted to say yes… after all, a girl has been trying to get out to Wal-Mart for 2 years now!
Me “Have a good night.”
A few days later Mufasa called 10 min after I got the “You were the one I let go” call from the ex. The old me… would have led him on to think there was still a chance. But the grown me… had to keep it real. After all, eagles don’t soar among pigeons and diamonds are meant to be treasured.
