Got Me a BALLA!

In 6th grade Mrs. Albee made us write a letter addressed to our future self. In this letter we had to jot down our dreams and aspirations. Senior year of high school my fellow elementary peers and I were invited back for a reunion and handed our letters. I wrote that I wanted to be a big time entertainment journalist or lawyer married to a NBA or NFL player, live in a mansion, have 3 kids, and drive…. a Jeep Cherokee. Clearly I was not up on my car game!

Let’s fast forward to 2007. I had just graduated college with a major in Mass Communications minor in Journalism. One day while sitting at my desk at Ebony Magazine in Chicago my phone rang. It was my friend Jenn.

Jenn: What are you doing tonight? Want to double date?

Me: I don’t do blind dates…. Why can’t you go alone?

Jenn: I figured you would say that…but it’s with these pro ball players I met the other night.

Me: Clearly I strike as a jersey chaser….

Jenn: NO! I just need someone fly for the other person

Me: Well you called the flyest… can I get some more info?

Jenn: They are good people… that’s really all I have to say. Meet me at my apartment after work.

Me: I took the train in today and don’t have clothes with me….

Jenn: YOU WORK ON MICHIGAN AVE! BUY SOMETHING!!!

Me: I’m mad you really getting loud right now! Fine. Can I at least ask what sport…..

Jenn: basketball

That meant one thing… Chicago Bulls. I took a 2 hour lunch break and went to Macy’s for a dress, Bakers for some shoes, and TJ Maxx for jewelry and a bag. This was costing me…. but who knows, this could be my potential soul mate! BAAALLLIIIN!

That night, Jenn and I got geared up trophy wife style. Around 8pm the door bell rang. At the door stood two very tall people dressed to the nine. I started from the bottom up. Fresh Tims, fitted jeans, grey cashmere sweater and…… BOOBS! I quickly pulled Jenn aside.

Me: WE ARE GOING OUT WITH FEMALES!!!!!!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID THESE WERE BALL PLAYERS!!!!!

Jenn: They are…… WNBA….Before you get mad at me you DO know that I am bi….

Me: Yes, BUT I AM NOT! HOW COULD YOU! You don’t have any gay friends?

Jenn: Well…I figured it would be fun. And I really like her but was too shy to go out alone.

You have no idea how heated I was. I just dropped mad dough on an outfit to wear for another chick. I was bamboozled!

Jenn: Jess, please don’t be mad at me and you have to come. You look judgmental if you don’t!

Me: I think the term you want to use is misinformed! YOU PIMPED ME OUT TO A GIRL!

Jenn: Stop it! You are soooo dramatic. Take one for the team!

Clearly Jenn wanted me to play for the other team. I went to the bathroom to cool off for a sec and gather my thoughts. I’m all for “doing what you do”. I love gay people, bi people, straight people, Black, White, Hispanic, Asian… it’s all good and I’ve always pride myself off of being able to get along with people on all different levels, backgrounds…and whatever else. It’s not this WNBA player’s fault that Jenn was an ass… and I had to be nice.

At dinner Jenn was sitting across from me and (I’ll call her Alexis). She was extra booed up having a gay ole time! I was forced to make conversation.

Alexis: So, where you from?

Me: Iowa… and yes we have black people. (kind of snarky)

Alexis: I see you get asked that a lot…. You ever play ball?

Me: 1st thru 11th grade… then I quit and became a cheerleader.

Alexis: WOW! How does that work?

Me: My best friend talked me into trying out with her… and she didn’t make the squad. I don’t like to quit so I just stuck it out for a year.

Alexis: So you’re a writer….

Me: Something like that (I was getting annoyed with the questions… I was just really uncomfortable and wanted to go home.)

Alexis: So what’s your deal cutie? (begins to rub my leg… AHHHHHH I was being fondled!)

Me: (moving leg out of the way) What do you mean?

Alexis: I don’t know you just seem….

Me: Hungry. I’m really hungry and don’t like to talk while I eat…. I suck at multitasking.

Alexis: We can work on that!

Did she just say “WE”? It freaks me out when guys do that…. it was time to go.

Me: So Jenn, I’m really tired. Are we leaving soon?

Jenn’s Date: Tired?!? GURL, we just getting started. We are taking yall to a party at the W HOTEL!

I don’t know who these ladies mistook me for…. But I was not going to anyone’s HO-TEL!

Me: I’m afraid I can’t do that…. Don’t let the dress fool you…. I go to church on the regular…. I’m a church girl. Been all my life. Very Plane Jane actually…. Prude. No fun at all…..

Jenn: (cracking up) RELAX “Church Girl” it will be fun!


It is not in my nature to be a follower… but I had no ride. Jenn and I were “supposed” to be cool. I would not leave her with two dudes… and these girls were big like dudes….. so I stayed.



The check came and the ballers reached out to pay.

Me: Actually, I’ll be paying for my own meal. I handed the waiter my card.

Jenn: Why?

Me: Because we are just friends hanging out.

After dinner I climbed back into the Hummer. Once in the car Jenn’s chick turned on the radio and began to sing along “FEEEEELS LIKE YOU’RE REAAADDDYYYYY” …. I hate that damn R. Kelly. Alexis tried to sing that ish in my ear. I shot that down real quick.

The W downtown Chicago is my spot! Best rooftop parties EVER! Only this time… the party was a little different.

Me: Really Jenn? There is not a dude in here. I’m leaving!

Jenn: Why?

Me: BECAUSE I LIKE DUDES JENN!

Jenn: But we are having fun!

Me: No, you’re having fun… I’m miserable. You aint right, YOU AINT RIGHT! You know I have no problem with bi or gay. (I felt like a white person saying this "I'm not racist... I have black friends!")Hell, I go to the gay club! But it is just wrong for you to set me up on a date knowing that I am straight! That’s not right for me…. or her!

With that I went downstairs to make a call. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone this situation… even my best friends don’t know about this until now. There was only one person I could have save me…. my boy Adam. Thing is… he’s a male whore… hopefully he was taking the night off.

Adam: Hello?

Me: Hey!

Adam: What’s good baby girl?

Me: I need your help….

Adam: What’s wrong?

Me: I need you to pick me up and take me home…

Adam: Where you at?

Me: (sheepishly) The W Hotel Downtown…

Adam: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AT A HOTEL??!!!???!!!??? You don’t even strike me as the type!

Adam and I met the summer before when I was interning at NBC and he was at Judge Mathis. We hung out a lot but never dated nor did he conquer “the goodies”. When you meet a guy that thinks he has a chance at it… keep him around…. he’ll do anything for you.

Me: Are you going to come get me or not? I’ll tell you the situation when I see you. PU-LEEEEAAASSSEEEE!

Adam: I love it when you beg for it!

Me: You are soooo immature.

Adam: I lent my brother my whip. You can take a cab here. Spend the night and I’ll take you out to that random suburb you live in in the morning.

Me: I’m not slee….

Adam: WOMAN I KNOW! You can have my bed and I’ll take the couch.

Me: Promise to change your sheets? (Who knows what goes down in that bed)

Adam: Do you want my help or not?

Me: Yes, Thank you!

Adam: One condition… you call me King for the rest of the night. Yea… KING… that sounds real nice!

Me: I won’t

Adam: Or daddy your choice.

Me: Whatever. One problem. A cab ride to your place would be about 25-30 bucks… I don’t have any cash on me (actually… I really did just didn’t want to spend it…. Okkkaaayyyy!)

Adam: I don’t know what to tell you!

Me: C’mon! I’m in a hotel in a messed up situation and need some help!

Adam: Fine. I’ll pay the driver once you get here.

30 min later I arrived at Adam’s. He was sitting outside. As I stepped out the car…

Adam: You have some explaining! Why were you at a HOTEL in your FREAKUM DRESS????!!!!????!!!!??? FAST ASS!

Once inside I told Adam the entire story. When I got to the R Kelly “FEELS LIKE YOUR READAYYYY” part, this dude was on the floor!

Adam: “OH SHIT I CAN’T BREATH!”

Me: Ha-ha-ha! Just get it ALL out ADAM!

Adam: That would be KING Adam to you. Jess, that girl played the SHIT out of you!

Me: I know!

Adam: did you and Alexis exchange numbers… cause we need to get this party poppin in here tonight!

I was getting tired of his jokes. For the next 30 min I was a prisoner to every lesbian joke in the book.

Adam: Seriously. Question.

Me: What’s up?

Adam: IF you were gay… would you go for more of the Queen Lateefa chick… or like the Gabrielle Union kind.

Me: I’m done with you!

Adam: I think Queen La… you like big guys. I tell you Jess, the craziest stuff happens to you and I just don’t get it. I mean…. You’re wifey!

Me: Huh?

Adam: You heard me. Like when I’m ready to settle at around 25,26,27… I’ma wife you up.

Me: You’ll still be whorin.

Adam: Girl, sewing my oats, sewing my oats.

Me: I’m going to bed. Thanks again homie!

Adam: You just use me and abuse me. But one thing. You’ve been going to quite a bit of those “baller” parties. This was God telling you to cut that mess out!

Me: NO I HAVE NOT!

Adam: Weren’t you at the D Wade and Shaq party a few weeks ago over on the North side? If I recall…. You were on stage doing the Soulja Boy with Shaq!!!

Me: First of all, you were at that party too… and it was not just me doing the Soulja Boy with Shaq. TONS of other people were on stage too.

Adam: But yo ass was right next to him…. Just making it Yuuuuulllleeee

Me: (laughing) You right. I have been going out a lot. But hey, I’m 22! You’re only young once!

Adam: I aint mad at you! Do you! Just know that in a few years you gonna slow that down! Dinner needs to be on the table by 6!

Me: Keep dreaming.

That night Adam and I played video games until the wee hours of the morn. We eventually passed out on the floor… on opposite sides of the room.

As for Jenn we no longer talk… and she is no longer bi-sexual. As for me…. I’ve cut out the jersey chasing ways and have focused on men with qualities that really matter in life. As for Adam… like clock work he called me on my 25th birthday.