"Can I Screw Your Nut?"

Back in October my dear friend Shaena’s boyfriend hit me up on Facebook. They are in a semi long distance relationship (he lives upstate) and he wanted to throw her a surprise birthday party in NYC. I love the girl to death so I was game for whatever he wanted me to do.

After weeks of planning the big day had arrived. Shaena’s bf had the place all laid out! VIP at a posh downtown night club, Grey Goose was flowing, red velvet cupcakes were….velvety, shrimps (yes shrimps) were jumbo, and all of Shaena’s closest friends were in attendance. There was just one thing…no guys. I guess that’s what happens when you get in a serious relationship… friends of the opposite sex seem to disappear.

As I was conversing with a friend…a tapped me on the shoulder.

Woman: I could not help but notice all the pretty girls in this area. I am having a singles event downstairs and we have a rather large group of guys and no ladies… would you and your friends like to come?

OMG. My prayers had been answered! It’s not everyday 30 eligible, educated, employed, black, bachelors are just sitting around waiting to mingle. I didn’t want to appear thirsty, but I had to dip my cup in that! Most of the other girls were either in relationships or were too shy to go downstairs, but me and my wing woman put on our baddest walks and went to strut downstairs!! “HOW YOUUUU DOIN?”

Once there the event coordinator told us we would be playing a game.

Coordinator : I have a bag of bolts and a bag screws. Ladies, you will pick a screw out of this bag, gents, you will pick a bolt out of this one. (she began passing the bags) . Okay, now ladies… you are going to go up to each guy and say “Can I screw you nut?” After you say this, you will see if the bolt and screws match and that will be your partner for a small date.

Me (to my wing woman): Did she just say we have to walk up to these guys and say “Can I screw your nut?????????”

Wing Woman: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA She Sure Did!

Me: (shaking my head): This is soooo inappropriate!

All of a sudden I got really shy. These were some good looking guys… I didn’t want to say that! After all, I’m a Fuc&%$* lady!

My wing woman had met the love her life earlier in the year… it’s changed the dynamic of our pimping...But hey, more for me! I went to the first guy.

Me: So umm…. Can I screw your nut?
Guy 1: I need you to screw me!!! (this game was going to be interesting…)

Our bolt and screw did not match. I went to the next guy.

Me: Can I screw your nut?

Guy 2: We can do whatever you like!

We were not a match.

I looked over at my wing woman whose screw was fitting EVERYONE’s bolt!

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS! You have 5 matches…. I don’t even have one! AND you have a man! YOU ARE A LOOSE SCREW! JUST LOOSE!

Wing woman: (cracking up) I don’t know why… I guess I’m just a perfect fit for everyone!

Me: Not fair! I CAN’T GET A NUT!

Wing woman (realizing I was taking this personally): Jess, you have a lot going for yourself… trust me… plenty of guys want to screw you!

I know you’re not supposed to hate the player… so I was definitely hating on this game! After several attempts my screw was not fitting anyone. Several guys tried to make it work, but when their true match came along they were ripped away from me and forced on their minnie date. At the end of the game… I stood alone.

Me: This is some BS!

Wing Woman (cracking up): It’s just a game!

Me: Well it mirrors my real life! Not even when the odds are in my favor do I have a man!

That’s when I got a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see a tall, dark, built, guy with an awesome smile standing before me.

Eddie: My name’s Eddie, I know my nut didn’t fit but….

Me (cracking up): what an awkward intro!

We talked for a quick min. The Cavs game was on so our convo was mostly about Lebron. I found out Eddie was a producer/actor (like everyone in NY). That’s when I noticed he was wearing a Phat Farm sweater….EWW. I realized… I was doing it again. I need to stop picking brothers apart… one of the reasons 42% of black woman are not married. The other reason being the white woman… LOL (just playing… but not really).

He was cute… and seemed smart. I gave the signal to my wing woman and she worked on his friend and invited them back to Shaena’s birthday party. While the wing woman did her thing I fled the scene… after all… have to make them want more.
15 min later Eddie came up to VIP.

Eddie: So what are you doing tomorrow?

Me: working

Eddie: Not going to the Yankee World Series Win Parade?

Me: Yea… I’m going…. (I really wasn’t but if that was going to ensure a call the next day… I could act like I was going)

As Eddie and I were conversing Shaena’s boyfriend came over and started talking to me. THIS WAS NOT HAPPENING!

I shot the BF an evil look!

BF: My bad, I didn’t mean to block!

Me: See! You have a girl! Why does everyone do this to me!

Shaena’s boyfriend started laughing and made his exit stage right.

Me: Sorry about that, what were you saying?

Eddie: Do you have a card? I’ll give you a call in the morning. If you want to come, we are about to hit up another spot tonight….

I gave Eddie my card, but declined to go to the next spot… I aint no holla back girl.

The next day Eddie hit me up asking where I was in the parade line… geeze… I had lied already… this was an end to something before it even started! We talked 2 or 3 times… and that was it. Oh wells.

So in 2010 I want to fall madly in-like… I won’t say “love” because I would never want to rush that. Now, I know what you all are thinking… I can’t control when or if that happens. Well…. why can’t I?

My entire life I’ve achieved whatever goal I have set for myself. Wanted to be Student Body President… did it. I wanted to work in magazines… I’ve worked for 3. I wanted to be a published writer… done. I wanted to do PR for a major TV network… currently do. Told myself I wanted to build a closer relationship with Christ and my fellow man (friends) I strongly believe this has happened too.

I’ve never been the “I need a man” type and I’m not saying that I have started now. But, I am at a stage in my life where I am open to the possibility of finding something real and it all starts with being in like.

So now you’re probably wondering if I have any prospects. I don’t kiss and tell, but I will say something like a prototype took me to PF Changs back in November and he’s been on my mind ever since. MUAH ;-) We’ll see what 2010 brings.

Happy New Year Everyone!