Grab a Towel Let's Work it on Out!

(I never thought I would one day be hating on Tocarra!)

The truth hurts and today I got bitch slapped by it! So my friend put some new pics up on facebook. There I was… looking extra overweight and sitting in front of a plate of pancakes smothered in syrup! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!!!!!! Now I know the real reason why dudes in the club have been calling me Jennifer Hudson! It's not because we are both brown with nice smiles.

I ran and got on the scale that I have been avoiding for quite sometime now…. My mom was right… I’m 20lbs heavier than I was this time last year! Damn.

The Dr. told me that my back problems could possibly be worse because of a rapid weight gain. I was told I needed to cut some lbs… but in the same sentence doc instructed not to do any cardio because of the way my bones rub together (lack of cartilage). How am I to drop weight and I cannot workout or lift anything over 30 lbs? So… I just tossed her advice to the left and have continued to eat my chips and salsa and watch TV all day.

My eating habits have been terrible… New York is the culinary capital of the WORLD! Between that… and my cheap diet which now consists of noodles and sauce (I refuse to call that ish spaghetti) 2 for a $1 honey buns, peanut butter, popcorn, fried chicken and waffles, cereal, candy… yea… I guess that’s the problem. I've killed my metabolism.

This afternoon my homegirl hit me up on g-chat.

Homie “We are all meeting at Virgil for happy hour… you coming?”

Me “I can’t drink, but I’ll come chill” (sober since Jan 1st... medication will do that lol)

Homie “ GREAT! I just put the pics up on facebook from last weekend”

Me “brb I’ll go look.”

That’s when I saw those Jessica McFatty pics. Looking a lil TOO happy to be at brunch.

Me “I CAN’T COME OUT!”

Home “LMAO, Why the change? What happened!”

Me “I’M GOING TO THE GYM! RIGHT NOW!”

With that I put computer to sleep. Threw some workout and shower stuff in a bag and went to the train. One reason I have not been working out is because my gym is on 33rd… right by where I used to live… I’ve been too lazy to go over there.

The gym has changed a lot since last July.

Me “May I have a towel please”

Trainer “We no longer do towel service” (damn recession!)

Me “So then why has my membership fee not gone down?”

Trainer (Laughing) “I would not know”

Me “Well I’m going to need you to get someone who does!” (We always tryna get something for free LOL)

Trainer “You forreal?”

Me “As real as the Korean hair on Beyonce’s head!” (I love talking crazy!)

A manager came out and gave me the number to corporate. I will be calling to get a deduction on my membership first thing in the morning!

I’m in the worse shape of my life. After 30 min on the elliptical and an arm rotation on the weights… I WAS DONE!

So… this whole weight thing is NOTHING new to me. I’ve really been dealing with it since puberty. That’s why when people get on Oprah, Jessica Simpson, and Janet… I get offended because I know how hard it is… and I’m not a public figure.

Where to begin. Well, playing sports I was always told I would be faster if I did not have a booty. I danced from age 2-15… around 14 I noticed my teacher gradually moving me to the back…. the “big girl” row for ballet and point…. Then with jazz, tap, and funk… moved me back upfront. Around that same time my homeboys started referring to me as “thick”. I modeled in high school (print ads) and there was always an issue because I had a “chubby face”… being that some jobs I did not book based off my headshot because they did not realize my body was much smaller. In theater I had to lose weight so I would not always be cast as someones mom….. When I was pursuing broadcast journalism it was suggested I lose 10. Oh, and my mom is a health nut. Was I ever REALLY fat… NO, I’m just shaped like a black girl. And I have a sweet tooth. That’s all.

The one time I did “lose control” was my freshman year. Living in athlete housing I kicked it with the football players who were always inviting me to roll to eat at 2am. All those late night trips to waffle house and Whata Burger took its toll. Plus we had a Pizza Hut in the campus cafeteria… and the late night poker games where we played for candy instead of money. Most people gain the freshman 15…. well…. I put on the freshman 35. I’m an over achiever what can I say. It took most of sophomore year to get that off… and now… I’m in the same predicament yet again. But instead of doing crash diets, pills, or slim fast (sorry Dawniece after my slim fast binge to get into my cheerleading skirt… I can’t do it again) I’m actually going to workout and cut the access amounts of junk. Since graduating high school I’ve been everywhere from a size 15 (freshman year) to a 4 (graduated college at that. Yes, Asad, Meek, Dawniece, and Richelle you told me I looked a HOTT Crazy Mess that small... and I vow never to do that ish again!). 50 lbs of weight ups and downs since 2003.

I know I’ve said I was going to start working out before… but by me actually taking the time to write this post and alert whoever reads this about something personal… I’m forreals!

This is not so much for cosmetics, but if in fact my back would feel better with some lbs off… then it’s for the best. Most people know I’ve been stressed out for the past year… and yes I do eat my feelings… but I’ve got to put the Crumbs cupcakes, fried calamari, Starbucks Rice Krispi Squares, and Sour Patch Watermelons down and take some responsibility for my actions. So if you are really my friend, please encourage me. If I decline to eat out… don’t take it personal. It’s only temporary until I gain control over my willpower again.

Health is important. I know I have a history of going crazy by limiting myself to certain food groups and working out hardcore… but honestly with the whole back thing… I have to take it slow. With that said I am on a track to a healthier me and I am doing this reasonably. 10 lbs by summer. I’ll worry about the other 10 later. Now I must try to get some sleep tonight. I have to get up early (10 am LOL) for Pilates.

Oh and to everyone on the 3 train today. I’m sorry. I now know to bring my own towel to the gym so I can shower. My funk was on a 100 million trillion!

(and don't try to run to facebook and look up pics... they are blocked! "I'm smarter than the average bear!") ;-)

NoSpace

You know that saying curiosity killed the cat… if I were a cat… I would be DEAD… or at least one of my nine lives would be gone.

So a home girl from back in the day hit me up recently on facebook and said she had been looking for me forever on myspace. When I told her I was not on there… she explained that EVERYONE was and that it is good for “networking”. I decided to create a page. Then I realized something… most of my friends on myspace were my same friends on facebook… what was the point of this? That’s when I decided to play detective and look up people I went to high school with.

WOW. I saw it all. Girls who now strip, people frontin all extra hard like they are thugs in a music video… pulling all of their money out of the bank so they could pose with it. Pure foolishness!

I found out my ex has a baby… different baby moms than the 1st. Her name is Mz. Bitch… her blonde hair looks like she washes it with “Let’s Jam” she is on myspace for “Networking.” (side eye) she had a count down on her page to when she gets her license back. It gets worse. You know how people feel the need to post their ultra sound pics on facebook? (I DETEST THIS!) This chick (age 31 who lives on “shot gun alley” and works at Apple Bees) put the C SECTION pics on her page! GROSS. In her blog entries she has talking a lot of ish. The ones where she puts A.C. on blast are my personal favorite… but the one where she took the baby to get “a line up”…. HEFFA JUST SAY HAIRCUT!!!! You are NOT down just because you learned some terminology. HAHA I was entertained for about 2 hours.

I was having a blast being noisy! All this juicy gossip for me to see! That’s when I got an email saying that I had received a message from someone named Lee. I logged onto myspace to check it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

There she was… a big beastly Queen La in Set It OFF looking “female” telling me that I was fine and that she would like to get to know me better. She included her personal email address….. ummm…. FALSE!

I have been Virtually VIOLATED!!!!!!!!!! I quickly tried to close my account, but myspace makes this hard to do. All these pop ups appeared asking me as to why I wanted to close my account. Then more pop ups explaining how I can change my settings. I declined it all! I closed the account and then received an email saying it may take up to 48 hours for this process to be complete. My friends have all been laughing at me.. saying “You deserved what you got” really? I deserve the shame of being sexually assaulted via the internet! YALL AINT RIGHT!

I’ve learned my lesson. I will no longer try to snoop in the business of the myspace folks… I’ll just stick to being in the business of my 800 and sum “friends” on facebook.

On another note. I was thinking. I need my own show “J Wils Road to Redemption”. TI takes the typical shock approach… showing wanna bees the consequences to their actions by visiting prisons and cemeteries for a few min. I want to make my subjects live the experience. I would go to small cities like Des Moines and gather girls who think it’s cute to be “loose”. I would actually bring them to New York and give them a Harlem pimp and put them to work for the night. For all the “thugs”… I would take them to Compton and make them participate in an actual gang initiation. WHAT FUN! That show would never air though… too much liability for the network. If you REALLY think about it… that mess would be too funny.

Got Me a Cadillac, Cadillac, Cadillac.. Got me a Cadillac Car... OOH OOH (gotta love dream girls!)

(78' Lac)


(83' Dodge)
My family moved to West Des Moines from Eat Moline IL when I was 10. My mother’s job transferred her… so my father quit his job in order for the family to move. This is why no man could ever top my father… that’s love right there.

While my parents were getting their financial situation in order they bought my mom a new car for her to drive to work and my dad drove this beat up 1983 dodge that my parents named Susie. I was embarrassed to be seen in that thing… and my dad knew it.

Me “Dad, you mind letting me off on the corner when you take me to school?”

Dad (getting my point) “Are you sure you don’t want me to pull up in front?”

Me “VERY sure!”

Now, before you think I was a totally rotten kid, I went to school with rich white people. I was the only black kid in the 4th-6th grade and already had some issues I was dealing with because I was “different”. Even though I knew we weren’t poor and that this car was temporary…. to my friends… it looked hood and the last thing I wanted people thinking was that I was a poor black kid. Looking back on it I should not have not cared what they thought… but after all…. I was 10.

My dad had promised me he was going to pick me up from soccer practice in my mom’s car… but on this day she had to work late. I heard the car coming from around the corner.

Teammate (laughing) “Your ride is here!”

That’s when I kicked the ball hard and aimed it at her face. It made contact… she cried and my coach yelled at me. I had to run 3 laps around the park before I could leave practice.

Once I was done I got in the car. My dad and brother saw what I did to the girl, but dad was laughing too hard to yell at me.

The ceiling of the car was made of cloth and it hung down. Dad had not stapled it back up yet, so I had to hold it up so it would not rest on my head. Since mom was working late dad was taking us to get dinner.

Back then Hardees (now Carls Jr. in most places) sold the best chicken and biscuits ever! As my dad was pulling out of the drive thru… the car died.

Me “Dad, stop being funny!”

Dad “I’m not… the car stopped.”

He got out and pushed as I steered us out of the drive thru. The car magically started… then stopped again once down the street. There we were. Three black people sitting on the side of the road in the suburbs eating a bucket of chicken next to a busted car. I had just come from soccer so my hair was all over my head, my brother had stains on his shirt from his afterschool program… and dad was just looking really angry and cursing up a storm. We looked a HOTT MESS!

That night when we finally got home I was too happy to hear my mom say that we were getting a new car!

Well… it was worse. They bought a 1978 gold and brown Cadillac for $200 (Side-eye). Too bad Pimp My Ride was not out then… cause I sure would have nominated this car. My dad had the same whip as an 80 year old deacon. At least I did not have to hold the interior up in this car.

Praise the Lord… we’ve come a long way since those days!

Fashion with Verdi

(Above Robert Verdi)

New York Fashion Week. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! (depending on who you are lol) I felt like it rained most of the time… and because of the recession designers really scaled back on their shows… some such as Betsy Johnston and Vera Wang pulled out entirely. Even Kimora did not put on her usual tranny festivities.

Speaking of tranny I was sitting at home watching Tyra… learning about how some single women are so desperate to be in relationships they marry gay men (Oh Tyra!) when I got an email from one of my editors over at a celebrity gossip mag asking me to cover a party. I can always use the money! But the one thing that bothers me about doing it is this… you knew all day you wanted to send someone out…. Why are you emailing me at 6pm to attend a red carpet event that starts at 8pm. COME ON PEOPLE! I have to get glam-a fied AND take a 45 min train ride downtown. Plus it was for Fashion Week…. can I at least get some notice so I can go cop a new dress?????

In New York you learn to play it off. When you can’t go shopping the best thing to do is throw on all black and rock ubber accessories. I had on every piece of gold jewelry I could find and gave myself the smokeiest eye my Chanel shadow could give me. Since I no longer work full-time I have not wrapped my hair in a min… detangling took about 40 min… grimy I know but at least I’ve been brushing my teeth.

I was told to get interviews from Robert Verdi (I love this man! For those who don’t know he’s a celebrity stylist… I’ve interviewed him before… he’s ALWAYS fun!) Kim Raver, and……. MS. JAY ALEXANDER FROM AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL!!!!!!!!!! The event was for this foundation that provides money for up and coming designers to showcase their clothing during fashion week. They are responsible for putting some of fashions best like Zac Posen and Derek Lam on the map.

I had no clue who this Kim chick was… But I did not have time to research to find out. The event was at Greenhouse… NY’s first eco friendly club…. Ummmm… this going green thing is going too far. How are you an eco friendly club? Are the glasses made from recycled materials and the dance floor biodegradable? WHO CARES! Anyway, As I was walking up to the door to pull out my ID and credentials…. I realized something…. I FORGOT MY WALLET IN MY OTHER BAG! DAMMIT!

Bouncer “ID?”

When in doubt fake your importance

Me “Oh no, I don’t need ID… Is Tasha the PR Rep inside? She is expecting me. I’m covering this event for her. (as I was saying this I pulled my recorder out as proof I was a journalist)

Bouncer (Lifting the rope) “Come on in”

I was greeted at the door by some reps and I introduced myself. I love covering events because people kiss your ass in hopes that you will give them a cover story or something… when in fact I have NO control over that and out of everything I write the mag might just use two sentences as a caption to a picture… but I let them think I really care. There was no formal press line so I was directed to the VIP area… due to medication I can’t drink so I sat there and turned down all the free cosmos that were offered. But I DID tear UP the food. The mini quesadillas, spring rolls, and ravioli bites were OFF THE CHAIN! Now it was time to figure out who this Kim chick was I was supposed to interview. When in doubt… ask a gay guy,


Me “ OMG… did you hear Kim Raver is supposed to be here!!”

Gay guy “ I KNOW she is just FAB in Lipstick Jungle!”

That bullshit still comes on? Who knew? Welp that’s really all I needed to know.

PR Chick “Our guests of honor will be here in a min Jessica and I’ve set up a private section for you to conduct interview! Is there anything I can get for you…..”

Me “Yes hon, Can you get some more of this quesadilla things (mouth all full) they are fire!” (If you know me… I keeps it real no matter what LOL)

My interview with the kim chick went pretty good. I had to play it off. I asked her all about her fashion week experience… her personal style…. Her involvement with tonights event… and then came the Lipstick Jungle questions.

Me “So, What’s next for your character in Lipstick Jungle?”

Kim “I think she is really looking to become a mother. But struggling with that because she is a really intense career woman and loves her career and I think women today can relate to that. We are in an amazing time where women are really hitting there stride in so many different ways whether that’s actors, women in business it’s a great time for women. But they are also struggling with wanting to get married and have children but its happening so I think it’s a really great thing for Nico to go into and also trying to decide between hottie Kirby and very hottie Griffin!

Me “OH MY! DECISIONS DECISIONS! It’s hard when you got it like that!”

Kim “ That’s Right! Decisions Decisions! It’s a win win either way!”

I ended the interview there… I was not trying to out myself for not knowing who the hell this woman was! I take it "Nico" is who she plays on the show... LOL! I wish that was video taped. I know my face had the "WTF look" going on!

Next stop was Robert Verdi! We talked about everything from his love of Tyra Banks, to where the fashion industry was going to Chris Brown and Rihanna to WTF is going on with Kanye West’s hair LOL. MS. J came over in the middle. Can I just say he is NOTHING like he is on TV. He talks like a regular dude off the street. He was dressed like a normal metrosexual man… only with a perm and tapper. I was kind of disappointed.

Robert “Jess! So I’m having a swag party tomorrow! Give me your card and I will email you the invite! YOU MUST COME OVER! It’s at my house. Promise me you’ll come!”

Me “But of course!”

I left the party around 11. I still had to transcribe tape and write a story all to be in by 7am. The parting gift for the party was a bottle of Merlot Wine. Around 1am I got the invite from Robert. My first personal invite to a semi-celebrity NY home! I was excited! The event was from 12 til 4 pm. My friend Kim is always looking for a reason to get up from her desk at InStyle so I took her with me.

This man lives in a condo over on 30th and 7th! His place was SICK, DOPE, ALL THAT AND MORE! IT WAS HUGE! Home theater playing Devil Wears Prada and everything! Kim and I agreed the place is at least worth 4 million. I can’t even begin to describe the décor… but it looked funky like someone who dresses most of Hollywood. Ms. Jay and his 7 ft 20 in self was there too. The food was amazing. I got really shy at this thing… I felt kinda like some little girl that was just saved from the projects and taken into the home of a billionaire. Kim had to keep telling me to calm down… eventually I did, but for one of the first times in my life I felt completely out of my element… then my inner drag queen spoke up “HONEY! YOU BELONG HERE YOU FABULOUS FLY THANG! YOU BETTA WORK!”

I was cool the rest of the time chumming it up with Robert and some other designers that were there. Kim and I got HUGE gift bags when we left. The True Religion Jeans were like a size 3 though…. Womp womp… but we got TONS of drink mixers, beauty products, spanx lol, books… etc. Those bags were at least 40 lbs! 40 lbs of freeness… GOTTA LOVE IT!

Welp, that was some of my Fashion Week… beats the last one I did where I practically worked the fashion closet the whole time (those of you who work fashion closets feel my pain) THE WORST!

Off topic… but I really wanted Taraji to win an Oscar tonight. She still looked fab though… and Beyonce had a new look…. LOVED IT! Still does not make up for me not getting to see what Rihanna would have rocked to the Grammys… but it will have to do

Hood Rats+ Gun Shots = Drake Relays

(James wins top spot on my list of greatest mug shots of all time)

Drake Relays is the Midwest version of the Penn Relays or the Texas Relays. It’s the one time a year Des Moines, Iowa ever has parties or concerts. Back in the day the parties were dope and headliners like Nelly would come. Now in days the parties are boo and has been artists like Black Rob or one hit wonders like Lil Boosie come.

I actually attend the track events (most people hang outside to bee seen) because I was in track 6-12th grade and enjoy watching the sport. But as far as the parties and stuff… those days are long gone…for some reason Jr year of college I let someone drag me out.

The Val-Air Ballroom is the most hoodrat infested place on earth… and that is where the big party was. When I walked in my ex’s brother and his hoodlum cousins and friends were there.

Brother “J! You can’t speak no more?”

Me “Whatever, you know I’ll always have you.”

My ex’s brother was always in and out of juvey and I had made it my personal mission to get him on the right track. He had just turned 18 so the next time he messed up…. Off to be with the big dogs. He’s a pretty boy (looks just like the character Evan Ross plays in the movie ATL) … I don’t want to even imagine what would happen to him in the pen.

Me “Have you been going to school? You know I’m still tight with faculty up there and I’ll just call and ask.”

Brother “Yes mom, I’ve been going.”

Me “Loves ya babes!”

Brother “I love you too.”

With that I said what’s up to the rest of the felons and assumed my position in the section of the party for people who did not want to be there. I was actually having a good time talking to old friends who were really trying to do some stuff with their lives when the sound of gun shots polluted the air and everyone started screaming and running. I was knocked to the floor and out the corner of my eye I saw one of the hoodlum crew members stuffing a gun in his pocket and they took off. No one was seriously injured.

When I got outside I saw my ex’s brother being cuffed and put into the back of a squad car. I yelled out his name and he turned to look at me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a face look so scared.

My ex and I had not been on speaking terms for a couple of months… but now I had to set our beef aside… this was bigger than us. I called.

Me “ OMG A.C. !”

A.C. “ J! Are you at that party???!!!!”

Me “Yea, I’m here… your brother is being put in a squad car… with everyone that could possibly bail him out!”

A.C. “I know! I’m broke as hell! I got fired again from Subway.” (How the hell you get fired from making sandwiches? Cutting the six inches too big? He sucks at life!)

Me “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. All the dope dealers yall know… I’ll get my money back by the end of the night. He needs to sit in there for a min though and let that mess set in. I’m going to run my girls home and then I’ll go to the jail.”

As I was taking my last friend home A.C’s ringtone went off on my phone. (Kelis’ “I Hate You so Much Right Now”)

Me “What’s up?”

Trick “Bitch I know you aint callin my man! I seen this number in his call history saved under “Love Dove!” (He’s never called me that corny ish to my face LOL)

Me “You must be mistaken coming at ME like this! I don’t know who you think you are and if that is your man then you need to ask him why I’m “Love Dove” in the phone. Take it up with him!

Next thing I hear is A.C. yelling in the background “Jessica she’s crazy! I don’t want her!”

Me “No! YOU are crazy for sitting there and letting her dial my number!”

I ended up having to pull over on the side of the road so I would not get in an accident as this trick and I had it out. I ended up getting hung up on. Then A.C’s mom called my phone.

Moms “Jessica Honey! That girl is a nobody! She is one of A.C’s sister’s friends who stalks him when he is over here. He does not even like her! Now he is upset and just took off walking. I don’t know where he went! Please come over here so we can settle all of this. I miss you!”

Me “A.C walking off is the least of your problems…. Your other son is sitting in jail right now. He was with Jere and all of them!”

Moms “MY BABY IS IN JAIL???!!!! TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!”

Me “I don’t know the logistics of it all, but I’m going down to the station to get him out. Hold up I’m getting another call.”

Operator “You have a collect call from the Polk Country Jail. Would you like to accept?”

Me “Yes”

Brother “JESSICA! YOU HAVE TO COME GET ME OUT!!!!!!!!! I didn’t mean no trouble!”

Me “You have no idea how mad I am right now. Between you, your brother, and some rat he had all up in the phone I am too through!”

Brother “Talisha? That girl is a runner! Anyway! You know you’ll get your money back tonight! Just please come and get me out! I’m too old now for juvey!” (lol remember when runner= hoe?)

I went and got A.C’s brother and took him over to his moms… A.C. was sitting outside when I pulled up… still trying to play like o’le girl was a “stalker”. I got out the car with my Waiting to Exhale game face on.

Me “I am not the one!”

A.C. “I KNOW! But she is a NOBODY! Look… She is not even here!”

Me “Only cause you knew I was coming over here with your brother. Why I am partaking in this ghetto ass drama I don’t even know!”

A.C. “BECAUSE THAT’S LOVE!”

Me “ OH HELL! What’s love got to do with it?”

A.C. “Can you chill out so we can have a conversation!”

Me “We have NOTHING to converse about!”

A.C. “I CAN’T STAND YOU! You are tripping and don’t even know the facts and won’t let me explain anything! You are a piece of work!”

Me “YOU JUST GOT FIRED FROM MAKING HOAGIES! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WORK! And I’ll tell you this… that’s not the first time you’ve had someone ring my phone. You got one more time and that’s not a threat it’s a promise!”

(By this time everyone in the house was outside ROLLIN at my Subway joke which only got A.C. even more heated)

With that I drove off. It would be another 3 months before A.C. and I would talk again. And yes, I got my bail money that night. As far as A.C.’s brother… I don’t know what he’s up to these days. But I’ll always have mad love for dude… I just hope he’s doing the right thing and hanging around the right people. NO MORE DRAKE RELAYS FOR ME…. EVER!!!!!!!!!

Homecoming Week

("Stop, drop, shutem down open up shop! Oh, No, THAT'S A ROUGH RIDERS ROLL!")


I might be one of the few people who will admit that they had a BLAST in high school! One year during homecoming week I realized the importance of communication.

My BFF Dawniece and I were in charge of making the morning announcements. We took this job very seriously (yeah, right). WE CLOWNED our way through this. ANWAY during homecoming week we had to announce the theme for the next day so students could dress appropriately to show their school spirit.

Over the intercom

Me (extra corny) “Hey Dawniece!”

Dawniece “Hey Jessica!”

Me “And good morning Roosevelt Rough Riders!” (Our mascot was hot)

Dawniece “Do you know what tomorrow is?”

Me “It’s wear your house shoes day!”

Dawniece “That’s right Riders! So make sure you rock those house shoes!”

Me “And be comfy all day long!”

As soon as we walked out the office we were bombarded with kids who did not know what house shoes were.

Demetri (everyone has a smart nerdy kid named this or something close at their school) “Um, Jessica what are house shoes?”

Me “They are shoes you wear in the house… you know… soft shoes.”

Demetri “You mean slippers?”

Me “Are those house shoes?”

That’s when Dawniece and I realized… the black students knew what house shoes were.... I guess this was a cultural thing.

Demetri “The word “house shoe” is not in the dictionary!”

Me “Well have you looked?”

Go figure. He pulls a dictionary out of his bag and looked it up. It was not there… but slippers was.

The rest of the day was the battle of the house shoes vs. slippers. I HAD ENOUGH! At the end of the day I got back on the PA and make the same announcement substituting house shoes for slippers.

The following day we got on the PA and announced the theme would be “Old school day”.

I had the perfect outfit. I was going for an Aaliyah/ Left Eye look. Sagging my overalls only snapping one strap, a throw back jersey, and some Reebok pumps all… while slicking down my baby hair.

School started at 8am… but if you wanted a parking spot you had to be there at 6:30. That’s when we would congregate in the cafeteria and talk trash about what everyone had on (kids are evil). As I walked in I saw people had a different idea of what “old school” meant. Some students were dressed 50’s with poodle skirts and stuff… some 70’s…. but my BFF and her sister were OFF THE CHAIN. They ran into the building dressed like some runaway slaves!

Me “Dawniece! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?”

Dawniece “I took it back old school!”

Me “Yea, you took it back to when blacks weren’t allowed to be in school!”

That’s when my history teacher walked in wearing an Iowa State Hoodie.

Teacher “Good Morning Jessica! Thanks for planning a day I could actually participate in. I’m wearing my old school!” (insert crickets chirping here)

The next day was pajamas day… which is forever banned at my school. Some hoochie from this “gang” called clitoris (I’m not making up the name of the gang… anyone who attended the “Velt” from 01-05 can attest to this foolery) decided to wear some lingerie straight from the clearance section of Ru 21.

Welp, so much for homecoming week.

My high school was off the chain! The parenting class had a “bring a child to school day” The purpose was to show students how difficult being a teenage parent would be. Sounds like a good idea? Not when most of the student body just brought their OWN kids to school…. HAPPY FREE CHILDCARE DAY! Let’s also keep in mind how deadbeat teenage dad had to watch as the new boyfriend walked hand in hand with baby moms and the little one into econ class. Yea, once the community got wind of that…. it was NOT a good look for the school.

I'm Sick and Tired of Being.... TIRED! Part Dos

Okay this is crazy and it’s mind blowing to me how my roomie sleeps through all of this. Some lady in the apartment below is getting Chris’ed (prior to Feb 8th I would have said Ike’ed)

It is now 1:07am… the upstairs people are still having step team, tumbling, and bowling practice (I’m being sarcastic) and now domestic violence is coming from underneath. All I hear are the chilling screams and cries of a woman… the couple is yelling in Spanish… so I can’t understand a thing. Glass is breaking and I hear a lot of banging. Neighbors are now beating on the apartment door asking her if she is okay.

I feel like Kim Wayans character on In Living Color “I aint one to gossip so you didn’t hear it from me!”

I don’t know what be goin on in this building! Last night fried chicken was all on the floor in the hallway. The police came a few weeks ago because someone was busting beer bottles on the stairs. One of our landlords has his jump offs in and out. I need to move into a building with more white people…. cause real talk the police would have BEEN here by now. Poor lady has been screaming for the past 30 min. I live right across the street from the police station (one of the reasons I moved in). People are just ignoring her… shoot… I’m blogging about it.

Okay, so if you read about how I can’t sleep because of my upstairs neighbors… let me continue.

Sunday I wrote them a kind letter politely asking them to keep it down during sleeping hours. I slid the note under their door. They slid it back saying “Am sorry. Thanks for note. It’s not we.”

A few hours later the nice African college student who sometimes helps me carry in my groceries and his father came to my door. I did not know they lived above me.

Father “Thanks for kind letter, but it is the people above us and their wild children making all the noise.”

He went on and on about how he’s talked to the woman and how they need to be moved into another building. I don’t think her noise would travel to my apartment… but whatever. I thanked him for talking to me and I wrote to the woman 2 floors up. She came downstairs and we talked… there is no way it is her making the noise. She told me the African family has not once came to complain about her and that she was going to have it out with them. SOMEONE IS LYING AND I WILL NOT REST (literally) UNTIL I FIND OUT WHO! I’m just too fly to have dark circles and bags under these eyes!

The fight has now moved into the hallway and is echoing LOUDLY. I purchased some $7 earplugs yesterday. They are the kind they use at the shooting range. Ummmm I need a refund cause I still hear noise.

Welp, 5-0 is now in the building... I hear them on the talkie thingy. Intersting... the upstiars foolishness has now quieted down. This might be my chance to sneak in about 10 min of shut-eye