You gotta Fight for your right to PARTY!

Growing up with a last name staring with a “W” I was called last for everything. I was the last in line for bathroom break, the last to receive snack, sat in the last row in the classroom… and was called last to graduate. I wonder if there is some physiological study on how that affects people into adulthood. I was always in trouble for cutting the line, but you would too if you really had to tinkle and had to wait as 20 something kids fooled around at the sink.

Last night I was watching “Mean Girls” on TBS when I received a text from my girls to meet them at a club on 114th and Broadway. In NY all the dope parties pop off during the week…..so weekends are my chill time, but I had already promised I would go.

As I was stepping out of the cab I heard a couple of deep voices yell out “J WILS!” I searched the crowd to see two of my boys (Laurent and D) standing in some unorganized ciaos in front of the club. I joined them.

Me “What kind of mess is this?!”

D “On my life son! I’m leaving. This is ghetto and I’m tired of waiting”

I called my friend Charanna who was already inside. I could see her through the window… which signaled to me that it was not packed and poppin inside.

Me (on the phone with Charanna) “I’m leaving. I don’t do lines. This isn’t even moving.”

Charanna “Hold on. Zenitra is in here and she knows the promoter. We’ll get you in.”

She texts me that it will be about 5 min.

Me (to the guys) “I could hear her loud and clear over the phone…..”

Laurent “Yea, this is mad wack son. We are leaving. You coming?”

The bouncer comes out and announces there is a guest list. Thus, another reason I don’t like going out on weekends. NY has this thing with having secret codes and passwords to get into every party. IT IS NOT THAT SERIOUS! I text Charanna and ask her for the code. She texts back “BIV”.

Me (to the guys) “The passcode is “BIV”.

D “YO SON WE OUT!” Laurent and D left.

I waited 5 more min… and the line had not moved. Then the bouncers let in a group of dudes. All these females in line, and they are letting guys in???? NOT A GOOD LOOK! I called Charanna.

Me “I’m out.”

Charanna “The promoter said 5 min!”

Me “He said that 15 min ago, and it is starting to drizzle… My hair does not do rain.”

As I was walking to the corner to catch a cab back home Laurent calls and tells me to meet up with them at this bar down the block. I went. Once inside 3 of our other friends were in there… who had just left the party I was trying to get into. (NY is such a small place when you take out the tourists)

Lindsay “It was wack son! The DJ wasn’t even there. That’s why we left.”

We were too happy to be at this new spot. 4 dolla margaritas! This NEVER happens in NY and we took full advantage of the situation. Hell, Cran and Vodka will run you $17…. And that’s with Absolute… not even Goose!

D “So, Laurent and I have this new song we want to produce called “Thicka than a Snicka”.

They both start singing some hilarious hook.

Laurent “It’s going to be a parody of all those stupid sing song dance/ soulja boy joints that are out now”

Me “Can I be the video girl! I’m “Thicka than a Snicka!”

D and Laurent “You are in!”

Me “YAY!”

That’s when all of us drunkards started creating dance moves for this video… that probably will never be.

Brian “Are you guys ready to go back to that party?”

Brian, Lindsay and their friend all pull out these business card VIP passes.

Brian “Since we were already in the party they gave us cards so we would not have to wait in line if we came back”

Me “So what are me, D and Laurent supposed to do?”

Brian “Don’t worry, we’ll all get in.”

Me “I’ll just say I’m in the chick in the “Thicka in a Snicka” video.”

We head back to the party to find the line still long.

Brian “Everyone with a pass… rip it in half so we all get a piece.”

That was a great idea.

We turned our swagga up and walked passed the people in line and flashed our piece of the golden ticket. We had made it inside when all of a sudden a bouncer came behind me yelling and pointing at me.

Bouncer “AYE! YO SON! SHE ONLY GOT A HALF A RIPPED TICKET! SHE GOTTA GO SON! SHE GOTTA GO! GET HER OUT OF HERE!”

Was this dude really blowing up my spot? Even though I was in the wrong… I had to snap back and fight for my right to party.

Me (neck rolling, yelling, and snapping for the kids) “I don’t know why you are tripping. It’s free to get in anyway so it’s not like you are losing money letting me in. I don’t want to be in your funky party anyway. My friends are already in here. I’m industry! I don’t need this” BLAH BLAH BLAH (I snapped all the way out the door).

I then had to walk past all the people I cut to get in. PLAYED MYSELF. I stood at the curb… waiting for at least one person to come out. But my “FRIENDS” stayed inside. I was HEATED. Next thing I know… D was being escorted out. He had the “Get off me son!” face on.

D “I can’t believe I got kicked out. I actually had a full card, but I passed it to Laurent! On my life son! That’s not cool. I’M OUT!”

By this time I was standing there ROLLING. Thing is… D and I ended up looking like that person who is soooo desperate to get into the party. Which is not how we are in real life at all. We get invited to dope events all the time… we really did not care about this random party. And everyone knows I’m always down to just chill and be low key.

D then gets a text from Laurent that reads: “LMAO!”

D “This nigga thinks this shit is funny!”

Me (ROLLIN) “It actually is. We are grown as hell and just got kicked out the club”

I hate bouncers. They are some of the most thick neckded power trip brutes you ever interact with. Thinking they are hott stuff… when in reality they are nothing but burly ex college football players who did not get drafted or dudes who are too simple minded and fat to get into the police academy. Only they would get a rush out of kicking a girl out with half a VIP pass.

Cutting. It would get your name written on the board then… and it will get you kicked out the club now. Like I said earlier, being a “W” and always being treated “last” turned me into a life of crime. I blame my teachers for this incident!

Punk Ass Chauncy

For those of you who watch my favorite show “The Game” you will get how hilarious the title of this entry is. For those of you who don’t get it… the message will still be made very clear, and you can youtube “punk ass chauncy” to get the joke.

It’s been about a month since I’ve blogged. I started a new job with those good benefits, so I’ve had to put writing for enjoyment on pause. But, it was only a matter of time until some complete and utter fuckery played out.

Last November, I was in the lunch cafeteria getting my mid-day snack…. frozen yogurt mixed with granola (mmmm) when my phone began to vibrate. I opened the pic message to find two woman each holding a little girl...one of the women being my mother and that little ball of cuteness being me! The text read: “Hey Jessica! It’s your god sister Denisha! I got your number from your mom. It’s been way too long and I figured we are too grown now not to have a relationship.” Truth was… she was right. We started a friendship.

She’s from Florida. When I was 11 our moms took us to a taping of “The Kenan and Kel Show”. After that, I knew I wanted to work in TV. I promised Denisha that I would come soon. Well, the next month I was laid off thus having to postpone my trip. Don’t you hate it when that happens?

At the end of April I received the blessing of a lifetime. I told Denisha once my paychecks started coming in I would be on the next thing smoking to Florida. Around this same time one of my really good guy friends moved down there. I like to keep “What is this? Velvet?” lawsuit free and will call this dude “Chauncy” so he cannot come after me for defamation of character.

I have known Chauncy for 12 years now. Seeing that I’m only 24… that’s a long time! Half my life! We met in 7th grade, went to HS together (until I transferred schools) and eventually wound up a couple of drunkards at the same college.

Have you ever had that one friend that is just fun to be around? That would be Chauncy! He comes from great stock (home training lol), extremely smart, very positive, approachable, and funny. The fact that he was a super star athlete never in the least bit made him egotistical. I’ve always been proud of him. Not strictly based off his accomplishments, but simply by the way he has always presented himself in the way he treated others, but most importantly how he treated me. He is also a team player, works well with others, excellent multitasking and organization, and has great verbal and written communication (HAHAHAHA j/k with that last part, but it was sounding like I was writing this man a letter of recommendation.) But really, I could never say enough good things that would totally capture the essence of who he is. That was my boy! Until this weekend. Never in a million years did I think TRIFLIN would be a word used to describe Chauncy… and his punk ass.

Friday I left the hustle and bustle and went to Tampa.

Sister “OMG!”

Me “HEEEEYYYY GURL!!!!!!”

Sister “Sis, you know you are looking EXTRA New York right now! You stick out something serious!” (she starts cracking up)

I guess my blunt bangs, black “MC Hammer” pants, “Kanye” popped colla jean jacket, “Mr. T” silver chains and the sandal boots I was rockin was a bit out of control. I looked like the dark skinned love child of Rihanna and Keri Hilson. We got in the car. I quickly rolled down the window letting the wind hit me in the face like an excited puppy.

Sister “Why your head all out the window?”

Me “When do I EVER ride shot gun!!!!!! My butt stays on the subway or the backseat of a cab! I’m enjoying myself! (getting distracted) “Yall have so many beautiful trees down here!”

Sister (cracking up) “I guess they don’t have trees in the big city”

Me “Nope…. Hold up! Is that a DILLARDS!!!!!! STOP THE CAR!”

Sister (cracking up) “You live in the Mecca of shopping! You write for fashion mags! Why do you want to shop in Tampa?”

Me “Because NY does not have Dillards…. And fashion mags only get clothes in a size 2…. Never in life have I, or will I be a size 2.”

(I made her take me to 3 Dillards over the weekend- hehehehehehe)

Walking into her Townhouse.

Me “IS THIS YOU????? It is soooooooo pretty!” (All my NY friends can attest that once you leave the city we become ppl who act like we have never been exposed to anything in our lives. We are cramped on top of one another, so when we go someplace with decent square footage… it’s like walking into a mansion.)

Sister “Thank you! I’ll show you around!”

Me “You have a dish washer! You have a laundry room! OMG! Your room is huge! YOU HAVE 3 BATHROOMS!” (it doesn’t take much to impress me anymore)

Sister “Actually, It’s 2 and a half.”

Me “If you can piss in all of them…. In my book that’s 3 bathrooms!”

Sister “I take it you and your roommate only have one. hahahaha”

Denisha had to go to work for a bit so I made myself at home. For the first time in a long time there were no sirens, sounds of domestic violence, salsa music, bad ass kids talking reckless on the streets…. just me and my thoughts. I began to think about how I too could have a dope place if I did not live in NY… and I became envious of the fact that her mortgage was less than my rent. I had made up my mind. I was moving!

I had told Chauncey I would send him a text when I settled… this I did. Around 6pm my phone woke me up.

Chauncy “Yoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!”

Me (flaming hot Dorito sleep breath) “What’s up?”

Chauncy “Ew. What are you doing?”

Me “ Relaxing on the couch.” (My roomie and just recently got one HAHA)

Chauncy “ Oh okay. Well, it’s been a long day at work and I’m too tired to drive down for dinner and then turn around and come back. What are yall getting into tomorrow?”

Me “The “Taste of Tampa” and who knows what else….”

Chauncy “Okay, well I will come down for that and then we will go out!”

We wrapped up the convo and he said he would call me in the morning when he was driving down. I guess it is 2 hours… he once said it was 45 min… who really knows where this negro lives. Either way, when you work in an industry full of shady ass people… it’s refreshing when you know you are going to spend some time with people who are real.

That night my sister and I went out. Tampa night life makes for another blog entry, but we ended up in some dudes VIP Birthday thing drinking up his goose and patron all night. Question: Why is it when guys buy you drinks you become their wife for the evening? Like I said, I’ll talk about that foolishness later. But, I have not had that much fun in a long time.

The next morning we woke up to go shopping and over to my aunts (who practically lives in a resort… you thought I was acting impressed before… this was amplified by a million!)

Auntie “What are you all getting in to today?”

Sister “One of Jessica’s friends is coming down and I’ve invited some people and we are all just going to hang out!”

Auntie “Jessica, that sounds nice! You don’t have any friends you grew up with in NY.”

Me “I have a feeling I won’t see him…..” (I kid you not. I said this.)

Auntie “Really, well it is only 1pm. I’m sure he will come!”

Sister “Jessica, do you want to shop closer in the city so when he comes it will be easier to meet up? I’ll call my friends and tell them to hang tight so we can all go to the taste together.”

Me “If you really want to do all that…. Okay.” (Mind you. Not only my day… but others depended on Chauncy’s moves.)

4pm rolls around and I have not heard from Chauncy… who I was assuming to see around 5pm.

Me “I can’t believe my friend stood me up!”

Sister “Girl, he did not stand you up! Text him!”

Me “I’m not texting nothing. You see…. I’ve been blessed with this skill to know how the male mind works. If you text… they just say they did not get it. If you call… they will say they did not get the missed call. Okay. Fine. I will call him… I know he is not going to answer… and I will leave him a message. The whole “My voicemail aint working” excuse never plays out well.

As I suspected… I got the voicemail.

Around 6pm… still no word from Chauncy. My sister scoops up one of her friends and we went to dinner.

Sisters’s friend “I hope nothing happened to him. You should call and act concerned to make sure all is okay.” (Why do girls always think this? Accept the fact that you have been played and keep it moving!)

Me “Nothing is wrong with this dude. He played me. He knows it. It’s that simple. He also knows that the longer he waits to call me… the more pissed off I am becoming. I promise you. He will call me around 8 or 9. If he doesn’t he will call me tomorrow or Monday with some outlandish story.

Like clock work. 8pm rolls around… and it’s Chauncy on the phone.


Me (to the girls in the car) “Should I even bother to pick this up?”

Sister “Girl! If you don’t pick up that phone!”

Me (to Chauncy) “Hello?”

Chauncy “Hey…..” (sigh- you can hear in this dudes voice I’m in for a treat) “What are you doing?”

Me (fighting back laughter to conceal how irritated I am) “Riding in the car… what are you doing?”

Chauncy “I’m at home…. Look Jess, I don’t think I am going to be able to make it.” (NO SHIT SHERLOCK! I KNEW THIS AT 2pm!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Me (keeping it cool) “awww maaaan.” (notice… I didn’t even ask him to explain… because I REALLY did not want him to. At this point I was going to think what I wanted to think anyway.)

Chauncy “Yea, I don’t have the money to come down” (I wish yall could see the side-eye action I was giving my berry… the ppl in the car were holding their mouths trying not to bust out)

(I know this nigga is not going to blame the recession on why he hoed me all day and is just now returning a call I placed 4 hours ago.)

Me “ummm… you knew yesterday that you did not have money. Why are you just now saying something? You knew this morning that you did not have money…..”

The point is…. He called ME MAKING PLANS! How are you the plan maker… with no paper????????? That’s just bad business!!!

Chauncy “Look. I know myself. I have to buy gas…. And it cost a lot to fill my truck. I’m going to want to eat and buy drinks…. I have no self-control.”

Me “I can’t see my friend… because he has no self control……..”

Chauncy (nervous laughter) “Don’t do that… that’s not what I said….”

Me “That is what you said. That you have no self control…” (what the hell does he plan on eating and drinking that is going to break the bank?)

Chauncy “You are getting on my case!” (someone feels guilty… I learned this in mock trial. Displaced aggression is always a sign.)

Me (asking the ppl in the car) “Am I getting on this man’s case?”

Car folks “NO!”

Me “They disagree with you.”

Chauncy “I feel guilty”

Me “As you should”

Chauncy “Jessica. I’m not going to be able to make it. I’ve got a money situation to handle.” (growing up I’ve had a lot of nicknames… and most ppl just call me Jess… So when I hear him attach the “ica” to my name… I took it that he might be serious.)

Me “Do you really want to come down?”

Chauncy “I do.”

Me “How much do you need?”

Chauncy “No, Jessica. I can’t do that.”

Me “What do you need?’

Chauncy “I can’t”

Me “I’m trying to save you… but you don’t want to be saved! What do you need!!!”

Chauncy “I know you are my girl. But, I can’t do that. And I did not want to tell you earlier.”

Me “I’ve known you forever dude, if you need something… I got you….”

Chauncy “I’m sorry. I’m not coming.”

Me “All I’m saying is…. You knew this earlier.” (this whole conversation I’m bubbly and not casting an attitude in the least bit!)

Chauncy “I didn’t want to tell my friend that I could not see her.”

Me “I’ve known you for how long… and you didn’t want to……”

Chaucny “I KNOW!”

This man knew me back when I had glow in the dark braces and dookey braids! Yet, he felt uncomfortable telling me that he played around with my day…. Over some BS that could have been resolved way sooner. TRIFLIN! Not only was it my day… but others. And he knew this! TRIFLIN! Not to mention SELFISH and BOGUS!

Me “Just admit… you don’t feel like driving.”

(Everyone in the car co-signs on this)

Chauncy “I drive down there all the time! It’s not the drive.” (wrong thing to say. You drive down here all the time? Yet, when a supposed friend is in town… you don’t want to drive. This was getting bad.)

Real talk. I know guys. He had other plans. Dudes are quick to play the homegirl that will always be around for the taste of the month. Chauncy and I aren’t dating, never have… it was none of my business so I did not even take it there. But do I believe that’s what happened. YES! That is my final answer.

The longer we talked. The more I irritated I got.

Chauncy “I just don’t have the money right now.”

Me “Okay, like I’ve said. You don’t have to explain.”

Chauncy “Yea, I’m just going to sit here and eat a peanut butter sandwich tonight.”

Me “So… you want to play the victim?

Chauncy “No! I’m just letting you know I’m broke!”

For those of you who know what I’ve been through since college…. Broke was my middle name. I ate so much rice/pasta and 2 for $1 oat meal cream pies to the point my bowel movements were yellow. Pride wouldn’t let me get stamps. So playing the “broke” card when you really aren’t…. get’s no love from me! AND this dude just said he was eating peanut butter! That ish is almost $4 a jar in Harlem. Peanut butter is a fuckin delicacy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me “okay!”

Chauncy “You are acting nice…. But I know you! As soon as we get off the phone you are going to clown me. I’m about to be your next blog! I know it! I know you too well! You’re like that song from the 60’s…

Me (bracing myself for this) “Chauncy, what song are you talking about?”

Chauncy “you know the one! Goes something like…. “they smile in your face….”

Me “I remind you of the song “Backstabbers?” (My irritation was quickly growing into anger. Did he REALLY just say this. I would ride out with this guy until the wheels roll off… and he just said that he thought I was a BACKSTABBER!)

Chauncy “I did not mean it like that….. I just meant that I know you are going to talk bad about me once we hang up.”

This was true. But if he knew me sooooo well, then why did he allow for this to happen? All he had to do was call earlier in the day and say this: “Jessica, something came up. Unfortunately I will not be able to come. I’m sorry. I will get at you later.” THAT IS ALL THAT NEEDED TO BE SAID. OR he could have simply said YESTERDAY “I’d love to see you, but my finances aren’t looking tight. I’m not making any promises, but I will let you know as soon as I can as to whether we can hang or not.” I would have respected either.

Me “YO, SON! YOU ARE NOT KEEPING IT FUNKY RIGHT NOW!”

Chauncy (mimicking me) “I am keeping it funky!”

It was at that moment I realized. Despite the fact that he claims to know me and probably has seen all the sides to my personality. There is the one side he has never seen…. The angry Harlem girl. Somehow this Iowa blood was transfused with that of an uptown chick… and neither of us was ready for that. I knew I had to get off the phone.

Me “okay cool. I will talk to you later.”

Chauncy “Okay, so what are you going to do tonight?” (did he really have the audacity to act like he cared?)

Me “What does it matter?”

Chauncy “Here we go!”

Me “I’m not upset… I’m..” (I was cut off)

Chauncy “I don’t care. You can be mad.” (Was this really going down?)

Me “You have a nice night, Chauncy. (Classy. He can’t say I was the angry black woman. I was not about to give him that satisfaction.)

Sister “Wow, are you okay?”

Me “Since graduating… I’ve had a bunch of people let me down. Friendships I thought were good… in the end meant nothing. Just never thought I’d have to put him on that list. So no, I’m not mad… just hurt.”

Sister “Yea. I mean why did he have us waiting around all day?”

Me “Because I don’t mean shit to him. That’s what I got out of that conversation. Someone who I had all the respect in the world for does not have an ounce of respect for me. If he knew me so well he would know that there are three things you don’t mess with. My money and my TIME.”

Sister “What’s the third?”

Me “Respect. That was just inconsiderate and rude and I sincerely apologize if that messed up what ever else you all had planned for the day.”

Sisters friend “You have some raggety friends!” (this girl did not even know me… but could take away that I have raggety friends…. Ouch. Not the type of first impression I am used to making.) “Hell! You offered him money!”

Sister “Maybe he was trying to get some money together this morning…...”

Me “What? Do you think he was going door to door selling Girl Scout cookies and yay (coke)?

The more I had to sit there and listen the more disrespected I felt. And by the oldest friend I’ve got. Shameful. I swear. Will someone please remove the sign on my back that reads: “I LOVE TRIFLIN PEOPLE”

Me “Well, in the words of Laurie Ann from Making the Band… “ONE MONKEY DON’T STOP MY SHOW!”

With that I had another great evening in Tampa.

The next day I did not want to leave. I missed suburban life and was not ready to come back to NY.

After having to tell my aunt what happened…

Auntie “That’s horrible!”

Me “I know…”

Auntie “What are you going to do”

Me “Throw him in the time capsule.”

Auntie “I don’t understand?”

Me “The 8th grade time capsule…that’s where he belongs. I’ve got a space between my Fubu overalls and headgear.

The rest of the day was spent by the pool. 9:00pm back to NY. I got off the plane aggravated by all the horns, traffic, and smog. I was standing at the door to my 6 floor walk-up apartment… I was dreading having to lug my having bag up all those stairs. Tampa really made me long a more comfortable life.

As I reached in my bag to pull out my keys… my work ID hit the floor. I picked it up and could not help but to stare at my big cheesin smile. I will never forget the day I took that pic. April 24, 2009. Almost 8 years to the day of that little HS newspaper feature on me where I said “One day I will work at MTV”. I stuffed the MTV Networks badge back in my bag and took a quick moment to gain some perspective. This is where I belong.

I may never have the big home. I may never live by a Dillards. I may never have the perfect friendships. But at the end of the day, I’ll always have my dreams… and they haven’t let me down yet.

And since Chauncy is into playing “name that tune” I got a song for him.


"What About Your Friends" -TLC

Every now and then I get a little crazy
That's not the way it's supposed to be
Sometimes my vision is a little hazy
I can't tell who I should trust or just who I let trust me (yeah)

People try to say I act a little funny
But that's just a figure of speech to me
They tell me I changed because I got money
But if you were there before then you're still down with me

[Chorus:]
What about your friends
Will they stand their ground
Will they let you down again
What about your friends are they gonna be low down
Will they ever be around or will they turn their backs on you

Well is it me or can it be I'm a little too
Friendly so to speak hypothetically
Say I supply creativity to what others
Must take as a form of self-hate
Only to make an enemy
Which results in unfortunate destiny
They dog me out then be next to me
Just cause I am what some choose to envy

Every now and then I get a little easy
I let a lot of people depend on me
I never though they would ever deceive me
Don't you know when times got rough I was standing on my own
I'll never let another get that close to me
You see I've grown a lot smarter now
Sometimes you have to choose and then you'll see
If your friends is true they'll be there with you
Through the thick and thin

[Chorus]

Yo is it me, is it me or can it be I am a little too friendly
So to speak hypothetically
'Cause I supply creativity to what others
Must take as a form of self-hate
Only to make an enemy
Which results in unfortunate destiny
They dog me out then be next to me
Just cause I am what some choose to envy

[Chorus]

People say I act a little funny
I wouldn't change not for no money
I'll be a friend as long as you're a friend to me (yeah, yeah)
Even though I might seem easy
It don't give you no cause to deceive me
It's not the way that I want my friends to ever be

[Chorus]

Take Me To The Water

My whole Sunday was thrown off today.

It’s that time of the season where NY is heavily populated by tourists who feel the need to take pictures of stupid and random stuff… like billboards and street signs…taking up the entire sidewalk to do this. MOVE TRICK, IM TRYING TO GET TO WORK!

After seeing Times Square, The Statue of Liberty, and the Empire State Building… the next stop is Harlem! The mecca of the black church. I’ve never vacationed and decided to tour a church service… but to each its own. Honestly, it’s weird. I think it’s wonderful if people want to come to church, but do it because of your love of the Lord… not because you have seen a black church scene on TV or a Movie and you find it amusing to watch Sistah Monroe or Deacon Jenkins pass out after their holy running man dance to the choir’s version of latest “ WOW GOSPEL” 2009 super mix.

I believe Sunday is the most segregated day of the week. Each race goes to their respective institutions… and it’s like the Harlem churches don’t know what to do with all the European tourist, but place them in their own section away from the black church members… its’ like stepping into 1959. But the thing that upsets me is that the tourists pull out cameras and take pictures. This is inappropriate! And once the singing is over… all 500 of them get up and leave…. Don’t even stay for the word. I guess after the “shuckin and jiving” there is nothing left to see?

Anyway. Today I brought a friend to church with me today… who was quite bothered by the segregation as well. The black line… and the white line.

Stacy “Why are their separate lines?”

Me “We are black so they assume we are members”

Stacy “WOW”

We were running late so we had to sit in the balcony. Baptism was taking place. After what seem like the whole world got baptized 2 songs were sung and the little kids did a praise and worship dance. That’s when the preacher announced that it was “Open Pool” and that anyone who felt it in their spirit could come up and get baptized.

Me “WHHAAAAAATTTT? It’s 1pm and I have yet to hear the word!!!!!!!”

Stacy just sat there giving side eye lol.

Mad ppl took off running to the back to get changed into the white attire.

Pastor “Come all. Don’t miss this opportunity! If you just got your hair done get it done again! God is waiting!”

WOW. I have been going to church my entire life and have NEVER seen a “last call”/ “open bar” for wading in the water.

The time was now 1:33pm… still no sermon. Next thing we know the preach says this…

Preacher “The doors to the church are open”


WHAT! NO SERMON! Honestly, I could have slept in for all that. I’m happy that 48 people decided to dedicate their life to Christ today, but I really needed to get the word so I could have a productive week.

To top it off it was 90 degrees today and I waited for my food at an un air-conditioned KFC for 45 min…. just to try 2 pieces of the new grilled chicken (which was a little dry) and a burnt biscuit.

Finish Line... We More than Shoes

In high school all the “cool kids” worked at the mall. More importantly you had to work at a sporting store. I held down my end at Finish Line.

Finish Line was a trip and so much fun. Richelle worked across from me at Footlocker. I used to walk in her place of employment in my full uniform and yell out:

“MAN! Yalls shoes SUCK! Yall don’t even have shoxs in here! I’m going back to Finish Line!”

Then I would knock a shoe or two over and tell her to pick it up. Please believe she would come in Finish Line talking just as crazy and going in on the fact that we did not have Jordans or Forces (to my NY peeps Forces= Uptowns).

One of our store managers was this short, fat, nerdy, redheaded dude named Bob. He was SOOOO weird and just did not fit in at all with the staff. He came to us from another mall when our cool manager relocated to Kansas City.

I was on to Bob early. Something in his milk wasn’t clean. All the Iowa thug dudes used to come in looking for him and then they would go to the backroom. When I would work the register Bob would always run right behind me and do something… at first I thought he was checking to see if my drawer was short… but that couldn’t be… bosses loved it when I worked register cause it would always be over! LOL! Hey, let this be a lesson to you to count your change!

One day I was coming into work as a handcuffed Bob was being escorted out by 4 police officers.

Me “WTF is going on????”

Brice “Yo, J! It just popped off in here!”

Me “What is it????”

Brice “Man, Bob has been deleting transactions after we ring! He stole $7,000!”

Me “WHHHHAAAAATTTTT”

Brice “That’s not it! He’s been dealing drugs in the back!”

Me “LLLLLLLMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBOOOOOO”

Brice “Who would have knew that nerd had all that in him.”

Come to Finish Line where you can get your Nikes with a side of crack!

College Foolishness

Disclaimer: I don’t proof my blogs. It’s 4am so I’m half sleep listening to the soothing sounds of the Goo Goo Dolls. This entry is going to have more mistakes than usual… but you’ll get the point lol

2 weeks before sophomore year I announced that I would not be returning to Texas Christian University. I HATED that place. Well, not so much the school… just some of the closed minded confederate flag waving students.

Dad “So what… you want to take a semester off? Just as long as you graduate on time.”

Me “I came into college as a second semester freshman… I can take a semester to apply for schools and still be on track.”

When I say I have great parents… I mean it. I had a full ride scholarship that I lost when I transferred schools and my folks paid out of pocket for my education so that I would not have student loans. I have the best dad in the world too. A few days later we drove down to Texas to grab my stuff and say goodbye to some of my friends. We did this without stopping at a hotel. OH SO TIRED! (I know you think I’m a spoiled brat… eh… TRUST living in New York has most definitely broke me of that!!!)

While gasing up, a car came and some scum bag yelled out to my dad:

“Why you around here nigger!” (they sped off)

Dad “YO MAMMA!!”

I was appalled! Not so much at what was said to dad (that’s typical small town Texas) but at his response. Dad is the KING at comebacks and jokes! Did he really just say…. “YO MAMMA!!!!????!!!” That didn’t even make sense! I dropped it. Dad grew up in Oklahoma during the Civil Right Movement… so I knew this was a sensitive issue.

The next morning after we got back to Iowa my mom woke me up at 6am. She threw a suit on my bed and told me to get dressed. Anyone who knows me will tell you… a suit… NOT MY THING!

Me “Are you serious? Where am I going?”

Mom “To Iowa City. You will not be sitting around this house for a semester. We are driving up to the University of Iowa and you are going to use that gift of gab to talk yourself into school and we will not leave until you have registered for classes.”

Me “Semester starts in 2 weeks… I’m kind of past the deadline……”

Mom “Get dressed. Or would you like to go to Iowa State instead?”

Me “I’ll take U of I for 500 please.”

By 4pm that afternoon I had registered for classes. Now to find someplace to live. This late in the game finding housing was going to be a beast.

One of mom’s co-workers had a friend whose daughter needed a 4th girl for their condo. I moved in.

There we were…. 4 girls in a 2 bedroom 1 bath. Sharing a room and sleeping in a twin bed was not my idea of comfort… but sometimes you have to take what you can get. Seeing that my boyfriend at the time lived in Des Moines… I was rarely there anyway. Until we broke up a few weeks later LOL.

One day after class Richelle and I were on my couch eating fish sticks and grill cheese (oh college!) when I decided to call my boyfriend. His brother picked up. And clearly he did not catch my voice.

Me “Hey, put AC on the phone”

Brother “On second Becca”

Me “HOLD UP! EXCUSE ME?????”

Brother “Oh Shit! This is Jessica?”

He hangs up the phone. I call back. The girlfriend to this fool who just said the wrong name answered. The two of us hated each other so we got to arguing. Richelle just sat there looking at me. She (like most people) is used to seeing me all extra goofy… we had been friends since 8th grade and this was probably the first time she saw me PISSED to the 10th power.

Me “We are going to Des Moines NOW! Grab the Vaseline and some bail money cause there is gonna be some fightin!”

Richelle did everything she could to try to calm me down. After many phone calls being placed between me, my boyfriend, brothers girl, boyfriends mamma…. I was going to Des Moines.

Richelle’s car was in the shop. Mine was at my parents…. so we took my roommates beat up 1984 Chrysler. I was driving so fast I hit a raccoon on the way. It usually takes about 1 hour and 45 min…. I would not be surprised if I did it in an hour.

Well… AC played it smart and was at some concert that night. I sat out front like a crazy woman for a while until I realized I was too fly to be doing that shit… so we just ended up spending the night at a friends house. AC called around 2 am… the argument was emotionally draining and I did not even want to see him after all that. Like most guys would say “Becca” was just some chick who called all the time… but I was not dealing with it. He tried to spin it by saying that he knew guys were trying to get at me at school… and that I was openly flirting when he came to visit me the week before with someone at a party… whatever dude!

Starting the semester off broken hearted was horrible… but Richelle was with me through the whole thing. We baked a lot of cakes, ate rolls of cookie dough, and I threw down my specialty every night…. homemade Rice Krispi Treats!

One of my roommates was getting played too. Her boyfriend moved in and was living in our living room. He did not pay rent, but loved to eat our food and act like he was running things. One day I was in the shower and he had the nerve to knock on the door and yell at me.

Mike “HURRY UP! I need to get in there! I’m trying to go out for drinks!”

Me “You need to go out for some damn rent money! And while you out get some damn toilet paper!” (Richelle basically lived with us too… but no one minded her being there because she contributed financially to the house… something this negro needed to learn to do.)

Mike “I’m not PLAYING! GET OUT!” (I turned off the water and threw on my towel)

Me “I know you are not trying to rush me out of the shower. Until you put in on the water bill… I WILL TAKE MY TIME!”

The two of us then got to pushing each other in and out of the bathroom.

Me “Act like you are going to put your hands on me and I’ll have half the football team over here in that ass! Think you cute with your giant gap… and on top of that got the nerve to be snaggle toothed!"

Mike stormed out the house. The next day he got what was coming to him. While he was in the shower his girl Hannah (one of the roommates) was going through his wallet and she found a condom. Now Hannah was this painfully skinny, overly tanned, skunk streaked hair chick… her attitude was not to be played with.

Hannah (storming into the bathroom) “MIKE! WTF is this!”

Mike “uh…. A condom….”

Hannah “Why do you have it?”

Mike “For protection…..”

Hannah “WE DON’T USE PROTECTION!”

Richelle and I BUSTED out laughing. One because they bedroom business was just exposed…. and two… Mike was caught!

Richelle (starts singing Boys II Men) “Don’t have to stay with someone… that makes you cry”

Me “Makes you cryyyyy! You’ll end up killing all the love you have inside…”

Hannah “GET YO SHIT AND GET OUT!” (I was TOO happy to hear those words… this called for another song… this time “Leave” by that teenage brown haired chick Jojo)

Me (singing) “Get out, right now, It’s the end of you and meeeeee”

Richelle (singing) “It’s too late, and I can’t wait for you to be goneeeee”

We were on a roll with this. Mike entered the room fresh from the shower and he was too mad and trying to explain himself to Hannah.

Me “How about you just pack up your belongings!” (I was sooo tired of this dude freeloading off of us!)

By that night… the two of them had made up. Looked like I was going to have to deal with Mike for a little while longer.

Well… one of our other roommates (Kristi) was a pathological liar. The two of us bumped heads all the time. Shit hit the fan when she told her father I pulled a gun on her. GIRL, BYE! That was the last draw!!!!!!! I terminated my lease. Where that even came from I had no idea… seeing that a few hours earlier the two of us had went to the gym together. She was on that “To Kill a Mocking Bird” BS. I was not risking being locked up over her foolery! I packed all my stuff and loaded up my truck that night. I moved in with Richelle… what I should have done in the first place!

First semester sophomore year… it did not get anymore dramatic than that! …. Actually… it did. You know I’ll blog about it later… JR year is when this crazy clingy lesbian chick transferred to our school… and she used to just show up to the apartment with an overnight bag demanding to spend the night….. one of my roommates let her in one night and I woke up to her rubbing my leg. DO YALL SEE WHY I HAVE ISSUES!!!!!!! FOOLISHNESS!

NOT A GOOD LOOK!!!!!!!!!

Today’s story is a quick one…. But oh so funny! Well… at least it is to me and my crew.

So my homegirl broke up with her boyfriend a few months back… and he owes are some money (he needs to step his game up… thus why he got dropped) ANYWAY. She was soooo mad that she went to dontdatehimgirl.com to look into creating a profile for him to warn women everywhere of his trifliness.

Well…. Some other chick beat her to it because his ass is already exposed on the site! LMMMMMBBBBBBBOOO. Click here (or copy link) http://dontdatehimgirl.com/search/0/Dexter%20Henry/name/ check it out. If you can’t view it this is what she writes next to a picture of him and a current girl. She even put his government all out there.

He's a liar LIAR LIAR and a CHEATER cheater, we were together for a year and he cheated on me numerous times. He would say that he was home working at nights when in reality he was at some other girls home. He linked up with women thru facebook and myspace. He told me he dumped his previous girlfriend to be with me but now I dont believe him. He was probably still with her when I was dating him! DONT BELIEVE THE LIES!!!

Sigh… nothing like a woman scorned. Although I have to say… she played herself too… how do you get cheated on “numerous times”????? I take it once was not enough?

To all my male friends (cause some of yall know you wrong) you might want to check to make sure your name is not all in these streets! FOOLERY AT IT’S BEST!

Just Let Your Sooooouuull Glowwww"

(I can't write about this and not post the song)


I’ve always had a thing for people who dress outside the box. Today my style muses include: Tracee Ellis Ross, Sarah Jessica Parker (more like Patricia Fields), Rihanna, Keri Hilson, and Kerry Washington. But when I was younger… It was all about Tia and Tamara on Sister Sister.

They were so fly to me. They shared a similar style to Blossom and Six from the show Blossom… only I related more to the twins. They had this Jackson 5 steez about them with all that mix matched gear. But what I loved most was… THEIR HAIR!

Oh to have big puffy curly hair! I wanted it! Every time Sister Sister came on I would tell my mom that I needed my hair just like that. Mom said she would take me to get it done. I was TOO excited! Well… instead of explaining that I did not have “good hair” and that Tia and Tamara are of mixed race…. moms took me to get the worst thing imaginable done to my head.

Stylist “So… What do you think!”

Me (almost in tears) “WHY DID YOU GIVE ME A JHERI CURL!!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!”

Mom “That’s what you wanted…” (as the lady is spraying my hair with a product called… Hawaiian Silky… side-eye)

There I was. It was 1996 and I had a 1986 do. How was I ever to explain why at the age of 12… I was rockin a juicy curl. I love Michael Jackson… but I was not trying to look like that Negro.

The beautician handed me a bottle of activator and sent me on my way. As I was getting in the car my mom wrapped a towel over the headrest.

Mom “I don’t want the fresh juice from that curl staining my seats…” I WAS DEVASTATED!

When I got home my dad took one look at me and busted out singing.

Dad (Coming to America… our favorite movie) “Just let yo sooouuull glow. Oh so silky smoooooooth.”

It was too early for jokes. I went to my room and did not come down until the next morning for church.

I was dreading going to church. Seeing that I was the only black kid in school… I knew the white kids would not know what a jerri curl was… but church… that was nothing but black people. I was about to get CLOWNED! My friend Blair had a Jheri Curl… so based off seeing her experience with one… I knew what was coming.

Mouths dropped when I walked into Sunday School. And like my dad… they busted out in song.

Kids “Just let your Sooooouuulll Gloow… oh soooo silky Smooooth!”

All I could do was sit there and take it.

Me “I have an accidental curl! I did not mean to get this!”

Brandon (laughing extra hard) “How do you have an “accidental” Jheri Curl Jaws?”

Me “I wanted my hair like Tia and Tamara….”

Brandon “You aint half white!”

Me “SHUTUP!”

Karl “You have the same hair as Blair!”

Me “NO! Blair got a Jheri Curl on purpose! Besides... This is a Hawaiian Silky!” (That last comment is a lesson on quitting while you're ahead.)

To this day I can’t watch an episode of Sister Sister without feeling bitter. It took a year to strip that hott messness out my head. I now know that my hair CAN look like theirs… if it is straw set. Too bad I was not up on the hair terminology back then. Blair and will forever be known as the “Jheri Curl Twins”. Who knew we would be bonded by the juice for life. LOVE YA BLAIR! Glad I’m not the only youth in the church directory rockin good ole Jerri. I don’t miss sleeping in a shower cap.

(I know yall want to see pics... but they've been long destroyed)