Take Me To The Water

My whole Sunday was thrown off today.

It’s that time of the season where NY is heavily populated by tourists who feel the need to take pictures of stupid and random stuff… like billboards and street signs…taking up the entire sidewalk to do this. MOVE TRICK, IM TRYING TO GET TO WORK!

After seeing Times Square, The Statue of Liberty, and the Empire State Building… the next stop is Harlem! The mecca of the black church. I’ve never vacationed and decided to tour a church service… but to each its own. Honestly, it’s weird. I think it’s wonderful if people want to come to church, but do it because of your love of the Lord… not because you have seen a black church scene on TV or a Movie and you find it amusing to watch Sistah Monroe or Deacon Jenkins pass out after their holy running man dance to the choir’s version of latest “ WOW GOSPEL” 2009 super mix.

I believe Sunday is the most segregated day of the week. Each race goes to their respective institutions… and it’s like the Harlem churches don’t know what to do with all the European tourist, but place them in their own section away from the black church members… its’ like stepping into 1959. But the thing that upsets me is that the tourists pull out cameras and take pictures. This is inappropriate! And once the singing is over… all 500 of them get up and leave…. Don’t even stay for the word. I guess after the “shuckin and jiving” there is nothing left to see?

Anyway. Today I brought a friend to church with me today… who was quite bothered by the segregation as well. The black line… and the white line.

Stacy “Why are their separate lines?”

Me “We are black so they assume we are members”

Stacy “WOW”

We were running late so we had to sit in the balcony. Baptism was taking place. After what seem like the whole world got baptized 2 songs were sung and the little kids did a praise and worship dance. That’s when the preacher announced that it was “Open Pool” and that anyone who felt it in their spirit could come up and get baptized.

Me “WHHAAAAAATTTT? It’s 1pm and I have yet to hear the word!!!!!!!”

Stacy just sat there giving side eye lol.

Mad ppl took off running to the back to get changed into the white attire.

Pastor “Come all. Don’t miss this opportunity! If you just got your hair done get it done again! God is waiting!”

WOW. I have been going to church my entire life and have NEVER seen a “last call”/ “open bar” for wading in the water.

The time was now 1:33pm… still no sermon. Next thing we know the preach says this…

Preacher “The doors to the church are open”


WHAT! NO SERMON! Honestly, I could have slept in for all that. I’m happy that 48 people decided to dedicate their life to Christ today, but I really needed to get the word so I could have a productive week.

To top it off it was 90 degrees today and I waited for my food at an un air-conditioned KFC for 45 min…. just to try 2 pieces of the new grilled chicken (which was a little dry) and a burnt biscuit.

Finish Line... We More than Shoes

In high school all the “cool kids” worked at the mall. More importantly you had to work at a sporting store. I held down my end at Finish Line.

Finish Line was a trip and so much fun. Richelle worked across from me at Footlocker. I used to walk in her place of employment in my full uniform and yell out:

“MAN! Yalls shoes SUCK! Yall don’t even have shoxs in here! I’m going back to Finish Line!”

Then I would knock a shoe or two over and tell her to pick it up. Please believe she would come in Finish Line talking just as crazy and going in on the fact that we did not have Jordans or Forces (to my NY peeps Forces= Uptowns).

One of our store managers was this short, fat, nerdy, redheaded dude named Bob. He was SOOOO weird and just did not fit in at all with the staff. He came to us from another mall when our cool manager relocated to Kansas City.

I was on to Bob early. Something in his milk wasn’t clean. All the Iowa thug dudes used to come in looking for him and then they would go to the backroom. When I would work the register Bob would always run right behind me and do something… at first I thought he was checking to see if my drawer was short… but that couldn’t be… bosses loved it when I worked register cause it would always be over! LOL! Hey, let this be a lesson to you to count your change!

One day I was coming into work as a handcuffed Bob was being escorted out by 4 police officers.

Me “WTF is going on????”

Brice “Yo, J! It just popped off in here!”

Me “What is it????”

Brice “Man, Bob has been deleting transactions after we ring! He stole $7,000!”

Me “WHHHHAAAAATTTTT”

Brice “That’s not it! He’s been dealing drugs in the back!”

Me “LLLLLLLMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBOOOOOO”

Brice “Who would have knew that nerd had all that in him.”

Come to Finish Line where you can get your Nikes with a side of crack!

College Foolishness

Disclaimer: I don’t proof my blogs. It’s 4am so I’m half sleep listening to the soothing sounds of the Goo Goo Dolls. This entry is going to have more mistakes than usual… but you’ll get the point lol

2 weeks before sophomore year I announced that I would not be returning to Texas Christian University. I HATED that place. Well, not so much the school… just some of the closed minded confederate flag waving students.

Dad “So what… you want to take a semester off? Just as long as you graduate on time.”

Me “I came into college as a second semester freshman… I can take a semester to apply for schools and still be on track.”

When I say I have great parents… I mean it. I had a full ride scholarship that I lost when I transferred schools and my folks paid out of pocket for my education so that I would not have student loans. I have the best dad in the world too. A few days later we drove down to Texas to grab my stuff and say goodbye to some of my friends. We did this without stopping at a hotel. OH SO TIRED! (I know you think I’m a spoiled brat… eh… TRUST living in New York has most definitely broke me of that!!!)

While gasing up, a car came and some scum bag yelled out to my dad:

“Why you around here nigger!” (they sped off)

Dad “YO MAMMA!!”

I was appalled! Not so much at what was said to dad (that’s typical small town Texas) but at his response. Dad is the KING at comebacks and jokes! Did he really just say…. “YO MAMMA!!!!????!!!” That didn’t even make sense! I dropped it. Dad grew up in Oklahoma during the Civil Right Movement… so I knew this was a sensitive issue.

The next morning after we got back to Iowa my mom woke me up at 6am. She threw a suit on my bed and told me to get dressed. Anyone who knows me will tell you… a suit… NOT MY THING!

Me “Are you serious? Where am I going?”

Mom “To Iowa City. You will not be sitting around this house for a semester. We are driving up to the University of Iowa and you are going to use that gift of gab to talk yourself into school and we will not leave until you have registered for classes.”

Me “Semester starts in 2 weeks… I’m kind of past the deadline……”

Mom “Get dressed. Or would you like to go to Iowa State instead?”

Me “I’ll take U of I for 500 please.”

By 4pm that afternoon I had registered for classes. Now to find someplace to live. This late in the game finding housing was going to be a beast.

One of mom’s co-workers had a friend whose daughter needed a 4th girl for their condo. I moved in.

There we were…. 4 girls in a 2 bedroom 1 bath. Sharing a room and sleeping in a twin bed was not my idea of comfort… but sometimes you have to take what you can get. Seeing that my boyfriend at the time lived in Des Moines… I was rarely there anyway. Until we broke up a few weeks later LOL.

One day after class Richelle and I were on my couch eating fish sticks and grill cheese (oh college!) when I decided to call my boyfriend. His brother picked up. And clearly he did not catch my voice.

Me “Hey, put AC on the phone”

Brother “On second Becca”

Me “HOLD UP! EXCUSE ME?????”

Brother “Oh Shit! This is Jessica?”

He hangs up the phone. I call back. The girlfriend to this fool who just said the wrong name answered. The two of us hated each other so we got to arguing. Richelle just sat there looking at me. She (like most people) is used to seeing me all extra goofy… we had been friends since 8th grade and this was probably the first time she saw me PISSED to the 10th power.

Me “We are going to Des Moines NOW! Grab the Vaseline and some bail money cause there is gonna be some fightin!”

Richelle did everything she could to try to calm me down. After many phone calls being placed between me, my boyfriend, brothers girl, boyfriends mamma…. I was going to Des Moines.

Richelle’s car was in the shop. Mine was at my parents…. so we took my roommates beat up 1984 Chrysler. I was driving so fast I hit a raccoon on the way. It usually takes about 1 hour and 45 min…. I would not be surprised if I did it in an hour.

Well… AC played it smart and was at some concert that night. I sat out front like a crazy woman for a while until I realized I was too fly to be doing that shit… so we just ended up spending the night at a friends house. AC called around 2 am… the argument was emotionally draining and I did not even want to see him after all that. Like most guys would say “Becca” was just some chick who called all the time… but I was not dealing with it. He tried to spin it by saying that he knew guys were trying to get at me at school… and that I was openly flirting when he came to visit me the week before with someone at a party… whatever dude!

Starting the semester off broken hearted was horrible… but Richelle was with me through the whole thing. We baked a lot of cakes, ate rolls of cookie dough, and I threw down my specialty every night…. homemade Rice Krispi Treats!

One of my roommates was getting played too. Her boyfriend moved in and was living in our living room. He did not pay rent, but loved to eat our food and act like he was running things. One day I was in the shower and he had the nerve to knock on the door and yell at me.

Mike “HURRY UP! I need to get in there! I’m trying to go out for drinks!”

Me “You need to go out for some damn rent money! And while you out get some damn toilet paper!” (Richelle basically lived with us too… but no one minded her being there because she contributed financially to the house… something this negro needed to learn to do.)

Mike “I’m not PLAYING! GET OUT!” (I turned off the water and threw on my towel)

Me “I know you are not trying to rush me out of the shower. Until you put in on the water bill… I WILL TAKE MY TIME!”

The two of us then got to pushing each other in and out of the bathroom.

Me “Act like you are going to put your hands on me and I’ll have half the football team over here in that ass! Think you cute with your giant gap… and on top of that got the nerve to be snaggle toothed!"

Mike stormed out the house. The next day he got what was coming to him. While he was in the shower his girl Hannah (one of the roommates) was going through his wallet and she found a condom. Now Hannah was this painfully skinny, overly tanned, skunk streaked hair chick… her attitude was not to be played with.

Hannah (storming into the bathroom) “MIKE! WTF is this!”

Mike “uh…. A condom….”

Hannah “Why do you have it?”

Mike “For protection…..”

Hannah “WE DON’T USE PROTECTION!”

Richelle and I BUSTED out laughing. One because they bedroom business was just exposed…. and two… Mike was caught!

Richelle (starts singing Boys II Men) “Don’t have to stay with someone… that makes you cry”

Me “Makes you cryyyyy! You’ll end up killing all the love you have inside…”

Hannah “GET YO SHIT AND GET OUT!” (I was TOO happy to hear those words… this called for another song… this time “Leave” by that teenage brown haired chick Jojo)

Me (singing) “Get out, right now, It’s the end of you and meeeeee”

Richelle (singing) “It’s too late, and I can’t wait for you to be goneeeee”

We were on a roll with this. Mike entered the room fresh from the shower and he was too mad and trying to explain himself to Hannah.

Me “How about you just pack up your belongings!” (I was sooo tired of this dude freeloading off of us!)

By that night… the two of them had made up. Looked like I was going to have to deal with Mike for a little while longer.

Well… one of our other roommates (Kristi) was a pathological liar. The two of us bumped heads all the time. Shit hit the fan when she told her father I pulled a gun on her. GIRL, BYE! That was the last draw!!!!!!! I terminated my lease. Where that even came from I had no idea… seeing that a few hours earlier the two of us had went to the gym together. She was on that “To Kill a Mocking Bird” BS. I was not risking being locked up over her foolery! I packed all my stuff and loaded up my truck that night. I moved in with Richelle… what I should have done in the first place!

First semester sophomore year… it did not get anymore dramatic than that! …. Actually… it did. You know I’ll blog about it later… JR year is when this crazy clingy lesbian chick transferred to our school… and she used to just show up to the apartment with an overnight bag demanding to spend the night….. one of my roommates let her in one night and I woke up to her rubbing my leg. DO YALL SEE WHY I HAVE ISSUES!!!!!!! FOOLISHNESS!

NOT A GOOD LOOK!!!!!!!!!

Today’s story is a quick one…. But oh so funny! Well… at least it is to me and my crew.

So my homegirl broke up with her boyfriend a few months back… and he owes are some money (he needs to step his game up… thus why he got dropped) ANYWAY. She was soooo mad that she went to dontdatehimgirl.com to look into creating a profile for him to warn women everywhere of his trifliness.

Well…. Some other chick beat her to it because his ass is already exposed on the site! LMMMMMBBBBBBBOOO. Click here (or copy link) http://dontdatehimgirl.com/search/0/Dexter%20Henry/name/ check it out. If you can’t view it this is what she writes next to a picture of him and a current girl. She even put his government all out there.

He's a liar LIAR LIAR and a CHEATER cheater, we were together for a year and he cheated on me numerous times. He would say that he was home working at nights when in reality he was at some other girls home. He linked up with women thru facebook and myspace. He told me he dumped his previous girlfriend to be with me but now I dont believe him. He was probably still with her when I was dating him! DONT BELIEVE THE LIES!!!

Sigh… nothing like a woman scorned. Although I have to say… she played herself too… how do you get cheated on “numerous times”????? I take it once was not enough?

To all my male friends (cause some of yall know you wrong) you might want to check to make sure your name is not all in these streets! FOOLERY AT IT’S BEST!

Just Let Your Sooooouuull Glowwww"

(I can't write about this and not post the song)


I’ve always had a thing for people who dress outside the box. Today my style muses include: Tracee Ellis Ross, Sarah Jessica Parker (more like Patricia Fields), Rihanna, Keri Hilson, and Kerry Washington. But when I was younger… It was all about Tia and Tamara on Sister Sister.

They were so fly to me. They shared a similar style to Blossom and Six from the show Blossom… only I related more to the twins. They had this Jackson 5 steez about them with all that mix matched gear. But what I loved most was… THEIR HAIR!

Oh to have big puffy curly hair! I wanted it! Every time Sister Sister came on I would tell my mom that I needed my hair just like that. Mom said she would take me to get it done. I was TOO excited! Well… instead of explaining that I did not have “good hair” and that Tia and Tamara are of mixed race…. moms took me to get the worst thing imaginable done to my head.

Stylist “So… What do you think!”

Me (almost in tears) “WHY DID YOU GIVE ME A JHERI CURL!!!!!!!!??????!!!!!!!”

Mom “That’s what you wanted…” (as the lady is spraying my hair with a product called… Hawaiian Silky… side-eye)

There I was. It was 1996 and I had a 1986 do. How was I ever to explain why at the age of 12… I was rockin a juicy curl. I love Michael Jackson… but I was not trying to look like that Negro.

The beautician handed me a bottle of activator and sent me on my way. As I was getting in the car my mom wrapped a towel over the headrest.

Mom “I don’t want the fresh juice from that curl staining my seats…” I WAS DEVASTATED!

When I got home my dad took one look at me and busted out singing.

Dad (Coming to America… our favorite movie) “Just let yo sooouuull glow. Oh so silky smoooooooth.”

It was too early for jokes. I went to my room and did not come down until the next morning for church.

I was dreading going to church. Seeing that I was the only black kid in school… I knew the white kids would not know what a jerri curl was… but church… that was nothing but black people. I was about to get CLOWNED! My friend Blair had a Jheri Curl… so based off seeing her experience with one… I knew what was coming.

Mouths dropped when I walked into Sunday School. And like my dad… they busted out in song.

Kids “Just let your Sooooouuulll Gloow… oh soooo silky Smooooth!”

All I could do was sit there and take it.

Me “I have an accidental curl! I did not mean to get this!”

Brandon (laughing extra hard) “How do you have an “accidental” Jheri Curl Jaws?”

Me “I wanted my hair like Tia and Tamara….”

Brandon “You aint half white!”

Me “SHUTUP!”

Karl “You have the same hair as Blair!”

Me “NO! Blair got a Jheri Curl on purpose! Besides... This is a Hawaiian Silky!” (That last comment is a lesson on quitting while you're ahead.)

To this day I can’t watch an episode of Sister Sister without feeling bitter. It took a year to strip that hott messness out my head. I now know that my hair CAN look like theirs… if it is straw set. Too bad I was not up on the hair terminology back then. Blair and will forever be known as the “Jheri Curl Twins”. Who knew we would be bonded by the juice for life. LOVE YA BLAIR! Glad I’m not the only youth in the church directory rockin good ole Jerri. I don’t miss sleeping in a shower cap.

(I know yall want to see pics... but they've been long destroyed)

T-shirt and my boxers onnnnnn!

I’ve been trying to think of a story I could post just so I could use the above picture of Beyonce. Since I don’t have any personal funny flight stories… my brother, Justin, is going to have to take one for the team. I love you, but I’m going to have to write about this one cause it is forever funny to me.

The night before moving to New York my family along with my god family went to Texas Road House in Chicago for a farewell dinner. The next day was Christmas morning and me, my dad, and my brother spent it up chucking our meal…. Food poisoning is the worst!

Why did I move on Christmas? According to my father this is the cheapest day to fly because no one wants to fly on such a holiday. So there I was… I had to pack my life into 5 small boxes. "5 boxes and a dream" (that’s what my E True Hollywood story will be called LOL).

My mom felt fine (either her stomach is tough or she didn't eat what we had)… but the three of us were still VERY sick. Flying while food poisoned… this was not going to be good. I sat next to my dad on the flight and across the isle sat my brother and mom. My head was between my knees most of the ride as I blasted "Warrior" by Nas in my ipod. Next thing I hear is my mom and my brother.

Mom “JUSTIN! GET UP!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Justin “I’m sorry, I’m Sorry!!!!!!!”

This man straight up threw up all over himself projectile style. He and mom ran to the bathroom. OMG! Justin comes back to his seat… with just his boxers. Mom had his pants in a plastic bag that she threw away when we arrived.

Usually dad and I would have had mad jokes, but we were too sick to even care.

Justin “Mom, this is embarrassing… you don’t have any pants in a carry on?”

Mom “No, Justin. Eveything is checked. Don’t be embarrassed. When you get off this plane you remember one thing… You are a Wilson and we always hold our head up high. Never show defeat. Pants or no pants.”

I could not believe this “we are down by 20 in the first half locker room coach to the point guard pep talk” my mom was having with my brother. Funny, but I still could not laugh.

About an hour later we arrived in JFK Airport in NYC. My brother got off the plane wearing nothing but his boxers, a South Pole T-shirt, sky blue Tims, and a fitted. But maaaaaaaaaaannnn was that head held high as EVERYONE starred at him! I walked a good 50 paces behind….. my parents tried to cover him. Mom walked in back and my dad walked in front like this negro was the president and they were his secret service. Nothing like a 5 ft 10 220lb solid built black man walking through an airport as if he meant to step out in his undies. I admire bro’s swagga!

I think the funniest part was Justin standing all impatiently at baggage claim and then tearing through the suitcase once it came around.

The fam went straight to the hotel and went to bed. My first night in the city and I was too sick to even go exploring. The next morning when I woke up I looked across the room at my brother who was sitting on the couch. My dad walked in our room… and the two of us BUSTED OUT LAUGHING!!!!!!!

Me “Yo, Sorry Justin but you are going to get it today cause I was too gone to even laugh!”

Justin “IT’S OVER!”

Me “Ohhhhhh nooooo it’s not!!!!!!!!”

Remember that song T-shirt and my panties on? Well I had to do the remix!

Me (singing) “I’ve got my South Pole and my Boxers onnnnnnnn…. South Pole and my Boxers onnnnnnnnnn” (I’m doing my version of the dutty whind while singing)

Dad “BABABABAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Me “Dad, did mom really give him that game time talk on the plane?”

Dad “Did he really throw up on himself and then walk through the airport with no pants on?”

Justin could not help but to laugh too… it was funny! I then busted out in James Brown’s classic song “Hot Pants”

Mom (laughing) “Jessica, this is how I know you were sick… you couldn’t wait to feel better to bust out this comedy routine!”

Me “Better HIM throwing up and having to walk off the plane in his boxers…. Cause if it were me… it would have been an entirely different situation!”

Dad “We aren’t even going to discuss that one”

April Fools!!!!!!!

Yesterday was April Fools day… boy did I experience some FOOLISHNESS on the part of Facebook Stalkers.

In an attempt to play a joke on my friend Charanna… one of my really good guy friends (Laurent) and I decided to sink up our relationship status and profess our “dedication” to each other via the social networking site. What a HOTT MESS!

Within 2 min of us doing this I received a random friend request from one of his crushes… I had never met her… and he was our only friend in common. She didn’t even attach a message to this request. She just wanted to glimps at my profile so that she could find out more about me… and then email pics off to her friends that read “she aint even cute” or “he could do better”… we all know that is what ole girl wanted to do.

Next came the emails and CALLS from my friends congratulating me and wanting to find out about my new man. Ummmm it said “in a relationship” not “engaged”. Since when do you congratulate someone on caking? I’m glad everyone wanted to know my business, but it was a little overwhelming. What makes it worse is that one person I have been trying to contact for months… found out my new boo and called me with the quickness. Guess they weren’t too busy for gossip.

On Laurents side he too received the same treatment. Mostly from females wanting to know more about me. I even got a text from a guy saying “I thought you did not want to settle down until your career took off.” ARE YOU SERIOUS. Again I ask… since when is caking settling down? Laurent did not put a ring on it!

Next thing I know mutual friends are commenting on pictures the two of us had taken together saying stuff like “Bout time someone got in a relationship… Praise Jesus!!!!!” Why you gotta bring the Lord into this?

Charanna tried to flip my joke on me via G-chat and Laurent was in on it. She played it like her and Laurent were together on the low and that she could not believe he was cheating on her with me saying: “I can’t believe I cooked for that negro… He got me crying at work.” GIRL. BYE!!!!!!!!! Too bad you can’t out joke a jokester. Sorry people.

This morning I woke up to a post from Laurent who dumped me via wall. Talk about HARSH! This was followed by a message from a facebook friend saying “what happened”.

If anything this taught me to be careful what you put on the net. Once your business is out others feel privy to know what’s going on in your life and will stop at no ends to get the low down. Glad I could be the center of your world for a day! April Fools you FOOL! LOL