You Remind me of my Jeep

When I was younger I’d be out with my dad and people would stop us for autographs… you see… they thought we were Laura and Carl Winslow from Family Matters aka The Urkel Show. Did they realize that was a make-believe family? If Laura and Carl kicked it off set…. that would just be WEIRD!

After an Iowa Hawkeye football game my father and I went to Apple Bees. A table full of middle aged white women started giggling and staring at my father.

Dad “I wonder what’s their deal?”

Me “I don’t know, but I’m bout to bust a cap! Desperate housewives… looking all hard at my daddy… while I’m sitting here… and my moms at home probably slaving over a hot stove after a long days work…disrespectful heffas!”

Dad (ignoring what I said) “I’m waaaay too old to be a member of the football team.” (In Iowa City people assume that if you are a black man you play on the team and ask for your Hancock)

Me “Maybe they think you played back in the day and came back for the game or something.”

That’s when one of the women came to our table. I starred her down like she just ate the last shrimp out my pasta.

Woman “I don’t mean to bother you and your daughter, but can I have an autograph?”

Dad “Who do you think I am?”

Me “He aint nobody!... sorry dad, your someone to me… but you are not famous. Look lady, I’m the next big thing so If you want mine…….”

Woman “Like OMG! I am SOOOOO embarrassed! You aren’t Al Roker from the Today Show?”

Me “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Dad “I’m no longer wearing these glasses and am going on a diet!”

With that the lady walked away salty. She REALLY wanted to be Al Roker’s jump- off/ bust- it- baby… LOL!

Me (wiping tears of laughter) “So Al, you mind putting some of that big time weatherman money in my account!”

Dad “Keep joking and I’ll take money OUT of your account!”

A while back I was on the train with my roommate when a man with wild gray hair tapped me on the shoulder.

Man “You have a hint of Tina in your smile…”

Me “Who is Tina?”

Man “Turner”

Roommate “You will NOT say TINA like you are on a first name basis with Tina Turner!”

We both laughed. I wanted to tell this man he had a hint of Albert Einstein in his hair… but I left it alone.

We got off the train and walked onto 23rd when a dude came up to us.

Dude (to me) “Aye ma, anyone ever tell you you look like a young Lil Kim!”

My roommate buckled over with laughter. I ignored the dude and we continued on to one of our favorite night spots… Barna on 26th and Park.

By now you are probably asking yourself what slutty creation I was wearing. I had on a pair of high-waist wide-leg jeans and a grey v-neck t-shirt that zipped in the back. No hoochie here!

Once in the club we started talking to a group of young men. We were having a good time….. until one decided to open his mouth.

Young man (to me) “You got a nice style about you… lookin like Serena Williams!”

I WAS DONE! NOTHING about the Williams sisters is stylish.

Me (to my roommate) “What is up with this tonight? Everywhere we go people are saying I look like someone else… can I just be me!”

Roommate “I don’t know… but this is funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Me “I’m going home now… and if someone stops to tell me I look like Remy Ma I’m shooting myself! (I’ve heard that one too)

People, whether you are trying to spit game or simply start a conversation… don’t do it by comparing the person to someone or something else! They might get offended!

Everyday I'm Hustlin, Everyday I'm Hustlin

Today I decided to do some window shopping at Urban Outfitters in Union Square. Just as I was coming up from the train I was approached by some little kids.

Kid “Want a fruit rollup?” (How did he know I have a weakness for fruity chewy candies?)

Me “Sure, how much?”

Kid “2 for 2 bucks!”

Me “So… one for $1”

Kid “No… you have to buy 2”

Me “Do you realize I can go buy a box of fruit rollups for like $2.75… and 8-12 come in a box?”

Kid “No”

I saw I was going to have to hip some kids to game… this is why they needed to be in SCHOOL and not on the street selling candy.

Me “How many have you sold?”

Kid “Not a lot” (he was oh so sad)

Me “Try selling one for 75 cents…. most people will hand you a buck and then they will feel better receiving change. You will still make a pretty nice profit. The economy has people tripped out… so they are unlikely to want to purchase fruit rollups in groups of 2 for $2. So let’s try it! Go up to that lady over there with the Uggs and big purse…. people who wear those ugly expensive shoes can afford a fruit rollup… just make sure it says “Uggs” on the side and not “Air Walk” or something.”

Kid “Excuse me would you like to buy a fruit rollup for 75 cents?”

Lady “Sure, why not!”

I winked at the kids and went on my way. I was proud of my good deed… helping the kids hustle.

Game Over

It’s true. Kids don’t pay attention to race until it’s pointed out.

The time had come. I was leaving Elementary heading to Jr. High! 6th grade was finally over! Our teachers had planned a weeks worth of activities to celebrate the occasion.

All four classes got together and our teachers explained the rules to a game we were going to play.

Teacher “okay kids! We are going to play name that baby! All of your parents have submitted a baby picture of you. We are going to flash each of the pictures behind us on the overhead screen. When you know the answer just yell it out!”

Sounds fun…. Right?

One by one pictures where shown on the screen and my peers and I got to guessing.

All “ That's Julie!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Teacher “Is that you Julie?”

Julie “Not Me!”

And then the class would try again and again. Some were easy… others were hard… but for the most part you really had to examine your friends.

Then my pic goes up…… the only black kid in the WHOLE 4-6th Grades.

Most of the kids yelled “JESSICA WILSON!” (there were like 10 other Jessicas so last names were in order… but it was not necessary to use it at this moment)

The rest of the kids “ZUBIN” (the Arab kid)

And there you have it. This game was no longer fun, but drew even more attention to how different I was. I shot my teacher some serious side-eye for this one.

Teacher (sort of laughing) “Well, majority guessed Jessica Wilson… is it you Jessica?”

Me (wanting to slap her) “Yes, it’s me.”

That night I went home and told my parents about the wack and racially insensitive game we played.

Mom (laughing) “I picked out a picture from when you were just born… seeing that you had Jaundice you were a little lighter. I thought that would trick your classmates.”

(Jaundice is not a disease but rather a sign that can occur in many different diseases. Jaundice is the yellowish staining of the skin and sclerae (the whites of the eyes) that is caused by high levels in blood of the chemical bilirubin. The color of the skin and sclerae vary depending on the level of bilirubin. When the bilirubin level is mildly elevated, they are yellowish).

Me (upset) “Yeah mom! SOME THOUGHT I WAS ZUBIN!”

Mom “The Arab kid with the bifocals?”

Me “That would be him….”

My parents got a hardy laugh out of that one! Looking back at it… that was really funny. Racial profiled in the 6th grade… now that’s a HOTT MESS!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I got my dorm experience a little later in life. Like… 9 months after graduating college. My freshman year at TCU I lived in athlete housing (I did not play a sport...just lucked out) which was basically like living in an apartment. And while at U of Iowa I always opted for off campus housing.

I moved to New York Christmas day 2007. I did not know anyone here… so my boss recommended that I move into the Webster House. The Webster House is basically an all female dormitory with 300 residents ranging from 18 to 80. Most of them being from other countries… majority Germany. The place is ran by a diverse group of foreigners who speak little English. Webster is equip with communal showers, one cable television for all residents to watch, and a cafeteria that served the nastiest food to ever hit my taste buds. The majority of the woman who live there are either in the city interning, modeling, retired, or like me… just needing a place to lay their head until they figured this NY thing out.

Rent is $250-280 a week (depending on the internet package). Your room (according to my mom who works in prisons) is the size of a cell. It has a twin bed, a small dresser, sink, and a lamp. There is no room for mini fridges, microwaves, and irons… which are banned. Routine checks were done to make sure you did not have them. There is no kitchen… just the cafeteria… that only served meals at awkward hours when I was at work. There was one microwave… the line to use it was long… and it needed a cleaning… I never used it. The number one rule in this place is NO MEN…. They wouldn’t even let my dad and brother help me carry my bags up when I moved in. On the plus side the location was great… right on 34th street near Madison Square Garden.

You could request for kitchen staff to prepare you a brown bag lunch. I was trying to save money so I could get the hell up out of there… so I decided to have them make me a PB&J. If you wanted lunch you had to pick it up between 7 - 9am.

My alarm went off at 8:55am. I waited 7 min before I was able to get on the elevator. When I got to the cafeteria it was a few min after 9am.

Worker “Sorry, you’re late”

Me (wiping sleep out my eyes) “I know. I apologize. The elevator was running really slow”.

Worker “Sorry cannot get lunch.”

Me “I know it’s in the refrigerator right behind you. You guys make it the day before. Would you please just get my PB&J.”

Worker “No”

This was not a good way to start the morning. $260 a week for this hellhole… the least they could do was give me my sandwich.

Me “You are right in front of the fridge. Why are you being mean?”

Worker “I say NO can help you. You don’t understand?”

I KNOW he is not talking to me like I’m 5! He walked to the back to start the dish washer. That’s when I took it upon myself to jump over the counter and grab my bag out of the refrigerator. As I was turning around my friend Candace walked in. She was doing an unpaid internship at MTV… girl gotta eat!

Candace “Aye, while you back there get me some eggs and a muffin!”

I grabbed tray and dipped the ice cream scoop in the eggs and got to serving.

Me “How much you want girl?”

Most entertainment careers (unless you work for a news source) do not begin the work day until 10 or 11am…. because we are 3 hours ahead of LA…. so that’s why Candace and I rarely made breakfast.

Candace “You’re the best, I don’t know why they stop serving breakfast so early.”

Just as I put her muffin on the plate the worker (now very irate) comes running out the back.

Worker “cuse me! What are you doing?! Get from back here!”

Me “I came back here to get my PB&J since you were too hateful to grab it for me. My friend is hungry, so I got her some breakfast.”

Worker “This is big problem. Come with me to the office now!”

Me “Ummmm no. You see… I’m GROWN and this is not high school. I have the right to a sandwich that was premade for me. You are making a bigger deal of this than what it is!”

With that Candace and I left the cafeteria with our food. I went to my room to get ready for work. As I was coming around the corner in my towel fresh from the shower… 2 ladies were at my door.

Woman “We need to talk to you about your taking of food.”

Me “My food plan is covered in this ridiculous amount you all are charging me to stay here. You act as if I stole the PB&J… my name was on the paper bag. I understand that I was late, but if yall had more than 2 elevators for these 18 floors that house 300 people… I would have been on time. Now if you would excuse me… it is cold in this hallway and I have to be at my desk in 30 min.”

With that I pushed them aside and opened my door. One of the women walked in behind me.

Woman “You need to clean it up in here… too many clothes lying around.”

Me “My clothes don’t fit in that hole you call a closet… I can only fit 2 winter coats and 3 pairs of shoes in that thing!” (I had been there for 3 months and was still living out of my boxes and suitcases…. which added to my frustration with always feeling like I was a visitor in the city and not living here)

Woman “You have 2 weeks to pick up your clothes…otherwise we are kicking you out!”

COULD THEY DO THAT?

Me “I will have my attorney look into that.” (anytime I say this I am referring to my boy Asad who is currently studying for the bar)

Woman “I’ll be back in two weeks. Get rid of the clothes!”

I was HEATED! All this drama over some GOV-MENT peanut butter! I called my dad.

Me “Dad, can I hold $3,000” (Like my name is Hilary Banks or something)

Dad “WHAT?”

Me “I need first and last months rent so I can get up out of here! I can’t take this drama! I’VE HAD IT WITH THIS CONVENT!”

I explained to my dad what happened. He could tell I was very upset and told me to just fold all my clothes up the day before the two weeks was over and throw them in trash bags then hide them under my bed.

That night my slumber was interrupted once again by the girl in the next room. She actively practiced self love (pleasuring herself). The first time I heard it I thought she was watching porn…. then I realized it was her. I just could not deal… and could not find my earplugs which I had to buy b/c of her. I understand no men are allowed…. but she was trippin.

Me (banging on the wall) “KNOCK IT OFF YOU FREAK! GET A MAN AND GO TO HIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

It worked she stopped… and out of frustration I cried myself to sleep.

The next day my friend Toyia came to town for her job. I took her by the convent so I could drop off my work bag. I warned her that though I was living on 34th street… unlike the classic movie… there was no miracle happening at this place.

Toyia “WHAT IS THIS PLACE YOU ARE STAYING AT???!?!!??”

Me “Hell on earth”

Toyia “Did they really just make me sign in at the door? And why is the man at the door dressed like a pastor?”

Me “Because he is one… you should see the looks I get coming in late at night from 40/40 club hahaha”

Toyia “Why is there an 80 year old woman walking around in here?”

Me “I guess this place beats your fam putting you in the home… I think I’d opt for the home”

Toyia “Your family left you here??!!!??? You are not used to living in these conditions!”

Me “Shocking I know, but where else was I supposed to go… did you think I was lying when I told you how horrible this place is?”

With that I gave Toyia a tour of the bathrooms

Toyia “This is gross… I hope you have shower shoes…”

Me “I wrap my feet in plastic before I put them on… these foreign girls pee in the showers... they also leave the toilet covered with paper... like I'm supposed to sit on it....”

With that I opened the door to my room

Toyia “OH HECK NAH! GET YOUR BAG YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING HERE TONIGHT!”

Me “I’m used to it girl…. ”

Toyia “The size of this room should be illegal! Pack your bag… you are staying with me at the W Hotel tonight. I have 2 full size beds, a plasma, and we can order room service!”

Me “NO SHOWER SHOES TONIGHT????!!!!! REALLY???!!!! A FULL SIZED BED!!!!! CABLE!!!!!!!” (I have the best friends ever!)

That was truly one of the best nights I had while living in the convent. Toyia even took me out for shrimps (I know there is no “s”), lobster and strawberry shortcake! I felt like my old fabulous self. The W was exactly what I needed to regain focus. I was all over that hotel like I had never been anywhere before! Toyia is my fairy godmother.

Well, I did what my dad suggested and passed my room check. I started cutting back in the shopping area of my life so I could use that money towards food…. so I would not have to hop the counter for another gov-ment PB&J ever again.

I lived in the convent for 6 months until I found my current spot in Harlem …which I am extremely grateful for (see my blog “I’m not happy Raheem for details). To everyone who let me crash at their place (or W hotel room) I can never say thank you enough for helping me get through convent life! I love you forever!

One thing is for sure… after that… I can live in just about anything.

You Aint Got NO Job!

I hate doing laundry. I will purchase new underwear to avoid loading up my cart, dragging it down the stairs of my 6th floor walkup and wheeling it down the street to the (get this) Peaches N Klean Laundry mat on 150th.

The laundry mat is usually packed and the machines are small. It costs 14 quarters to wash and 8 min per quarter to dry. It’s easy to spend half your check at the Peaches N Klean.

There is always a woman in there acting like she runs the joint. If you are familiar with Keyisha Cole’s mamma Frankie… imagine the Puerto Rican version of her. She is always barking out orders and talking crazy… thus adding to the reason I never want to wash clothes.

Woman (sounding like an army commander) “LINE UP ALL CARTS! CLEAN OUT THE TRAY! DON’T PUT DIRTY CLOTHES IN THE BASKETS! NOTHING BUT CLOTHING ON THE FOLDING TABLE! GET YO KIDS!”

All she says is true… but does she have to be so LOUD! She is always mopping and sweeping in the way of what you are trying to do. What makes it worse…. SHE DOES NOT EVEN WORK THERE!

You see… she is a random woman off the street who thinks she “works” at the Peaches N Klean! The actual employees love her because she does their job for them.

Today I got myself prayed up and went to do a load of laundry… I have 3 more, but I wanted to get in and get out.

Woman “LINE YOUR CART WITH THE REST OF THEM!”

Me “Can I load my clothes in the washing machine first?”

While my clothes were in the dryer I went to the corner store to take a quick break from her laundry drama. When I returned I sat down and began munching on a granola bar.

Woman “YOU CAN’T EAT THAT IN HERE!”

Mind you… there is not a sign saying “no food or drink” AND she was sitting down eating a plate of Ox tails from the Jamaican spot a few doors down.

I decided to ignore her and take a big bite in her face. I then put my i-pod on.

Woman (all huffy) “OH! YOU JUST GONNA IGNORE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HUH? IS THAT WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO?”

The man sitting next to me saw my agitation… and me about to open my mouth to say something.

Man “Don’t do it my sista, don’t do it!”

Me “Does she realize she's not an employee?”

Man (Shaking his head) “Her pockets should know… cause there is no paycheck in there.... it's that stuff she's on”

Me (quoting the show Martin) “You Aint Got No Job TOMMY!”

We both laughed and I continued to listen to my music. Then I got to thinking…. this woman could be on to something. The Peaches N Klean might one day recognize her work and hire her. Hmmm perhaps I should just show up to a movie set one day and act like I’m in the movie and get discovered… and become rich and famous…. and then get my own reality show and clothing line…..

Hey, as my roomie says “girl, you better fake it till you make it!”

I Want to Work for Diddy!

(was it just me.... or did anyone else notice he was rocking sean john clothing in "raisin in the sun"...)

Last February I applied to a blind job on Media Bistro. The position was to be an assistant to Sean Combs. We were to write an essay as to why we would be an excellent assistant, attach a resume and picture, and scan in any reference letters we might have had. 3 days later I received an email informing me that I had made round one cuts to audition for the Vh1 reality show: I WANT TO WORK FOR DIDDY.


I was TOO excited and began calling all of my friends! Work for Diddy??!!! I walked passed Bad Boy almost every day and often times my friends would catch me starring at his gigantic billboard in Times Square. You can say what you want about Diddy, but that man is one of the best business savvy people in the business… and to just be around that is an opportunity I could never refuse.

I received a call form Vh1 casting detailing the information.

Casting “Hi Jessica! Are you excited!”

Me “You have NO idea!”

Casting “Your essay was very entertaining. Iowa huh?”

Me “That’s right!”

Casting “Great! Well we will be giving you an on camera interview this Thursday at 2pm sharp. Come to the 10th floor at 36th and 6th. Wear interview attire bring any clips or anything you would want us to pass along to Sean Combs. This will be treated like a real job interview.”

That night I had a dream that I was on the show. I was wearing IOWA shirts during my confessionals and dominating the competition. When we were asked to go to Brooklyn to retrieve cheesecake… I SPRINTED the whole way there and back. I was calling my friend Richelle from the house phone so the world would see her name appear in the “on the phone with” caption. I won the competition and was poppin bottles with Diddy in VIP… then Oprah walked in and asked me to work for her… and she became my mentor. OH WHAT A DREAM!

The next day I was crazy nervous. I walked in and they took a Polaroid of me. My first step was to talk to a Vh1 dude in an office.

Vh1 “So I’m going to talk to you for a little bit first… and if this goes well you will do an on camera interview for Sean Combs.” (I see we weren’t to call him Diddy)

Me “Sounds good.”

Vh1 “Now this show is to really find him someone who would make an excellent assistant. We are not about putting you in a house with 7 strippers or anything like that.”

Me “You mean to tell me this is not the audition for Flav of Love? Aw Man! I really wanted Flav to give me the honor by changing my name! ”

Vh1 “I see you have a personality… Great!” (he proceeds to write something down)

We talked for a while about my goals and experience. I was okayed to do the on camera interview.

I was led into a cold room where there was nothing in it but 2 folding chairs and a camera.

The interview was pretty regular. They made me look into the camera and tell Diddy why I wanted to work for him. I took off on this two min rant about how he crafted my belief system.

Me “Sean Combs, you stress to your artists that there is always someone coming to take your place. You are the reason I don’t sleep! I can sleep when I’m dead! Nothing comes to a sleeping man but a dream and I would rather be up working towards and getting mine than laying around thinking about it……….” (if you know me…. You know I BE KNOCKED OUT!... but I’d say anything to work for Puff)

That night I was called and was told I made it to round two! I went back to the same location the next day. This time…. the questions were weird.

Vh1 “Would you walk to Brooklyn for cheesecake?”

Me “I’d RUN to Brooklyn and assist in making the cheesecake myself!” (go hard or go home)

Vh1 (laughing) “So I take it you would do it. It blows my mind when people on his shows complain about that… this is an opportunity we are talking about!”

Me “I know right…. That’s why I run to Brooklyn and back everyday for my workout.”

Vh1 “REALLY?”

Me “No way… let’s not get carried away here.”

Vh1 “So tell me about your family and up bringing”

Me “I have the most loving and supportive family in the world! They would do anything for me. I’m just blessed to have the parents that I do.”

Vh1 “So you have the perfect family?”

Me “As perfect as they come!” (I really do feel this way…. Besides… I’m not about to blast my fam to get on TV)

Vh1 “Are you single?”

Me “As in unmarried… yes.”

Vh1 “I sense a bit of a player….” (mission accomplished… I can come off as prude so I had to say something that would give me a little edge)

Vh1 “Tell me something interesting about yourself that we have not talked about yet.”

This was hard because I had already given these people my life story.

Me “I breed iguanas”

Vh1 “Wow.... that’s different.”

Me “I know!”

Vh1 “Do you sell them…..?”

Me “I don’t breed iguanas… I just could not think of anything else to say.”

I was asked a few more questions and with that I was sent on my way. A friend of a friend was a production assistant for the show…. So I was aware I was not selected… but Vh1 never called to tell me that. I was disappointed, but after watching the show… they didn’t really want smart people anyway.

You Betta WORK!

I think it is safe to assume that everyone in their educational career is subjected to that teacher who has no interest in teaching… rather they spend the entire class period brining students down instead of motivating. Their goal? To embarrass every kid before the school year is over.

Mr. Johnson. I will never forget the day he decided to tell me about myself in front of my peers. Calling me “arrogant” and “naïve” simply because I found his class a waste of time. I did the work, participated…. but if I find the subject matter boring and your teaching methods ineffective… I’m not stuntin you . I was mad he called me names in class… any problem he had could have been discussed when the bell rang. When I stood up for myself… he tried to issue me a detention (I went straight to the VP’s office and got it terminated).

My good friend Nathan did drag shows. He is the original Sasha Fierce! Beyonce has nothing on my guy! (Snap for the kids). One night he was doing a show at this gay club called the Garden and invited me and my friend Sara to go.

Nathan worked it and won the competition! He ripped the runway like he was the love child of Tyra Banks and Ms. Jay! The three of us took to the dance floor to celebrate.

Sara (grabbing my arm) “OMG! Jessica! Turn Around!”

There he was. Mr. Johnson in all his glow stick glory…. backing it up with a man to the techno remix of YMCA.

Sara “We have to get out of here! I don’t want him telling my parents I was here!” (I’m usually the scary acting friend… but I was too amused!)

Me “Get a hold of yourself! I don’t think he wants your parents to know HE is in here!”

Nathan “Well! Now we know why he busted you out in class the other day Jess. He does not hate you… HE WANTS TO BE YOU! OKKKAAAAAAY!”

Sara “You guys are forgetting something… WE ARE UNDERAGE!” (Garden never carded show participants and their entourage)

With that we decided to leave, but Nathan aka Tammi aka Tam Tam just had to sashay on past Mr. Johnson. I don’t know if Mr. Johnson ever saw me in the club that night…. but we sure saw him!

I sat in 6th period the next day smiling from ear to ear! I made sure to participate! Every time I would raise my hand… he seemed scared to call on me.

I could have outed Mr. Johnson to my peers, but I never did. I didn’t like it when he judged me and slapped on the arrogant label… so I was not going to judge or label him.

Like mom says… “two wrongs don’t make a right.” Besides, it would have been like Clay Aiken, Lance Bass, or Wanda Sykes coming out…. No one would have been surprised. And whether Mr. Johnson was or wasn’t … was not the business of me or my classmates.