I got my dorm experience a little later in life. Like… 9 months after graduating college. My freshman year at TCU I lived in athlete housing (I did not play a sport...just lucked out) which was basically like living in an apartment. And while at U of Iowa I always opted for off campus housing.
I moved to New York Christmas day 2007. I did not know anyone here… so my boss recommended that I move into the Webster House. The Webster House is basically an all female dormitory with 300 residents ranging from 18 to 80. Most of them being from other countries… majority Germany. The place is ran by a diverse group of foreigners who speak little English. Webster is equip with communal showers, one cable television for all residents to watch, and a cafeteria that served the nastiest food to ever hit my taste buds. The majority of the woman who live there are either in the city interning, modeling, retired, or like me… just needing a place to lay their head until they figured this NY thing out.
Rent is $250-280 a week (depending on the internet package). Your room (according to my mom who works in prisons) is the size of a cell. It has a twin bed, a small dresser, sink, and a lamp. There is no room for mini fridges, microwaves, and irons… which are banned. Routine checks were done to make sure you did not have them. There is no kitchen… just the cafeteria… that only served meals at awkward hours when I was at work. There was one microwave… the line to use it was long… and it needed a cleaning… I never used it. The number one rule in this place is NO MEN…. They wouldn’t even let my dad and brother help me carry my bags up when I moved in. On the plus side the location was great… right on 34th street near Madison Square Garden.
You could request for kitchen staff to prepare you a brown bag lunch. I was trying to save money so I could get the hell up out of there… so I decided to have them make me a PB&J. If you wanted lunch you had to pick it up between 7 - 9am.
My alarm went off at 8:55am. I waited 7 min before I was able to get on the elevator. When I got to the cafeteria it was a few min after 9am.
Worker “Sorry, you’re late”
Me (wiping sleep out my eyes) “I know. I apologize. The elevator was running really slow”.
Worker “Sorry cannot get lunch.”
Me “I know it’s in the refrigerator right behind you. You guys make it the day before. Would you please just get my PB&J.”
Worker “No”
This was not a good way to start the morning. $260 a week for this hellhole… the least they could do was give me my sandwich.
Me “You are right in front of the fridge. Why are you being mean?”
Worker “I say NO can help you. You don’t understand?”
I KNOW he is not talking to me like I’m 5! He walked to the back to start the dish washer. That’s when I took it upon myself to jump over the counter and grab my bag out of the refrigerator. As I was turning around my friend Candace walked in. She was doing an unpaid internship at MTV… girl gotta eat!
Candace “Aye, while you back there get me some eggs and a muffin!”
I grabbed tray and dipped the ice cream scoop in the eggs and got to serving.
Me “How much you want girl?”
Most entertainment careers (unless you work for a news source) do not begin the work day until 10 or 11am…. because we are 3 hours ahead of LA…. so that’s why Candace and I rarely made breakfast.
Candace “You’re the best, I don’t know why they stop serving breakfast so early.”
Just as I put her muffin on the plate the worker (now very irate) comes running out the back.
Worker “cuse me! What are you doing?! Get from back here!”
Me “I came back here to get my PB&J since you were too hateful to grab it for me. My friend is hungry, so I got her some breakfast.”
Worker “This is big problem. Come with me to the office now!”
Me “Ummmm no. You see… I’m GROWN and this is not high school. I have the right to a sandwich that was premade for me. You are making a bigger deal of this than what it is!”
With that Candace and I left the cafeteria with our food. I went to my room to get ready for work. As I was coming around the corner in my towel fresh from the shower… 2 ladies were at my door.
Woman “We need to talk to you about your taking of food.”
Me “My food plan is covered in this ridiculous amount you all are charging me to stay here. You act as if I stole the PB&J… my name was on the paper bag. I understand that I was late, but if yall had more than 2 elevators for these 18 floors that house 300 people… I would have been on time. Now if you would excuse me… it is cold in this hallway and I have to be at my desk in 30 min.”
With that I pushed them aside and opened my door. One of the women walked in behind me.
Woman “You need to clean it up in here… too many clothes lying around.”
Me “My clothes don’t fit in that hole you call a closet… I can only fit 2 winter coats and 3 pairs of shoes in that thing!” (I had been there for 3 months and was still living out of my boxes and suitcases…. which added to my frustration with always feeling like I was a visitor in the city and not living here)
Woman “You have 2 weeks to pick up your clothes…otherwise we are kicking you out!”
COULD THEY DO THAT?
Me “I will have my attorney look into that.” (anytime I say this I am referring to my boy Asad who is currently studying for the bar)
Woman “I’ll be back in two weeks. Get rid of the clothes!”
I was HEATED! All this drama over some GOV-MENT peanut butter! I called my dad.
Me “Dad, can I hold $3,000” (Like my name is Hilary Banks or something)
Dad “WHAT?”
Me “I need first and last months rent so I can get up out of here! I can’t take this drama! I’VE HAD IT WITH THIS CONVENT!”
I explained to my dad what happened. He could tell I was very upset and told me to just fold all my clothes up the day before the two weeks was over and throw them in trash bags then hide them under my bed.
That night my slumber was interrupted once again by the girl in the next room. She actively practiced self love (pleasuring herself). The first time I heard it I thought she was watching porn…. then I realized it was her. I just could not deal… and could not find my earplugs which I had to buy b/c of her. I understand no men are allowed…. but she was trippin.
Me (banging on the wall) “KNOCK IT OFF YOU FREAK! GET A MAN AND GO TO HIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
It worked she stopped… and out of frustration I cried myself to sleep.
The next day my friend Toyia came to town for her job. I took her by the convent so I could drop off my work bag. I warned her that though I was living on 34th street… unlike the classic movie… there was no miracle happening at this place.
Toyia “WHAT IS THIS PLACE YOU ARE STAYING AT???!?!!??”
Me “Hell on earth”
Toyia “Did they really just make me sign in at the door? And why is the man at the door dressed like a pastor?”
Me “Because he is one… you should see the looks I get coming in late at night from 40/40 club hahaha”
Toyia “Why is there an 80 year old woman walking around in here?”
Me “I guess this place beats your fam putting you in the home… I think I’d opt for the home”
Toyia “Your family left you here??!!!??? You are not used to living in these conditions!”
Me “Shocking I know, but where else was I supposed to go… did you think I was lying when I told you how horrible this place is?”
With that I gave Toyia a tour of the bathrooms
Toyia “This is gross… I hope you have shower shoes…”
Me “I wrap my feet in plastic before I put them on… these foreign girls pee in the showers... they also leave the toilet covered with paper... like I'm supposed to sit on it....”
With that I opened the door to my room
Toyia “OH HECK NAH! GET YOUR BAG YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING HERE TONIGHT!”
Me “I’m used to it girl…. ”
Toyia “The size of this room should be illegal! Pack your bag… you are staying with me at the W Hotel tonight. I have 2 full size beds, a plasma, and we can order room service!”
Me “NO SHOWER SHOES TONIGHT????!!!!! REALLY???!!!! A FULL SIZED BED!!!!! CABLE!!!!!!!” (I have the best friends ever!)
That was truly one of the best nights I had while living in the convent. Toyia even took me out for shrimps (I know there is no “s”), lobster and strawberry shortcake! I felt like my old fabulous self. The W was exactly what I needed to regain focus. I was all over that hotel like I had never been anywhere before! Toyia is my fairy godmother.
Well, I did what my dad suggested and passed my room check. I started cutting back in the shopping area of my life so I could use that money towards food…. so I would not have to hop the counter for another gov-ment PB&J ever again.
I lived in the convent for 6 months until I found my current spot in Harlem …which I am extremely grateful for (see my blog “I’m not happy Raheem for details). To everyone who let me crash at their place (or W hotel room) I can never say thank you enough for helping me get through convent life! I love you forever!
One thing is for sure… after that… I can live in just about anything.
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