When I was younger I’d be out with my dad and people would stop us for autographs… you see… they thought we were Laura and Carl Winslow from Family Matters aka The Urkel Show. Did they realize that was a make-believe family? If Laura and Carl kicked it off set…. that would just be WEIRD!
After an Iowa Hawkeye football game my father and I went to Apple Bees. A table full of middle aged white women started giggling and staring at my father.
Dad “I wonder what’s their deal?”
Me “I don’t know, but I’m bout to bust a cap! Desperate housewives… looking all hard at my daddy… while I’m sitting here… and my moms at home probably slaving over a hot stove after a long days work…disrespectful heffas!”
Dad (ignoring what I said) “I’m waaaay too old to be a member of the football team.” (In Iowa City people assume that if you are a black man you play on the team and ask for your Hancock)
Me “Maybe they think you played back in the day and came back for the game or something.”
That’s when one of the women came to our table. I starred her down like she just ate the last shrimp out my pasta.
Woman “I don’t mean to bother you and your daughter, but can I have an autograph?”
Dad “Who do you think I am?”
Me “He aint nobody!... sorry dad, your someone to me… but you are not famous. Look lady, I’m the next big thing so If you want mine…….”
Woman “Like OMG! I am SOOOOO embarrassed! You aren’t Al Roker from the Today Show?”
Me “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
Dad “I’m no longer wearing these glasses and am going on a diet!”
With that the lady walked away salty. She REALLY wanted to be Al Roker’s jump- off/ bust- it- baby… LOL!
Me (wiping tears of laughter) “So Al, you mind putting some of that big time weatherman money in my account!”
Dad “Keep joking and I’ll take money OUT of your account!”
A while back I was on the train with my roommate when a man with wild gray hair tapped me on the shoulder.
Man “You have a hint of Tina in your smile…”
Me “Who is Tina?”
Man “Turner”
Roommate “You will NOT say TINA like you are on a first name basis with Tina Turner!”
We both laughed. I wanted to tell this man he had a hint of Albert Einstein in his hair… but I left it alone.
We got off the train and walked onto 23rd when a dude came up to us.
Dude (to me) “Aye ma, anyone ever tell you you look like a young Lil Kim!”
My roommate buckled over with laughter. I ignored the dude and we continued on to one of our favorite night spots… Barna on 26th and Park.
By now you are probably asking yourself what slutty creation I was wearing. I had on a pair of high-waist wide-leg jeans and a grey v-neck t-shirt that zipped in the back. No hoochie here!
Once in the club we started talking to a group of young men. We were having a good time….. until one decided to open his mouth.
Young man (to me) “You got a nice style about you… lookin like Serena Williams!”
I WAS DONE! NOTHING about the Williams sisters is stylish.
Me (to my roommate) “What is up with this tonight? Everywhere we go people are saying I look like someone else… can I just be me!”
Roommate “I don’t know… but this is funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
Me “I’m going home now… and if someone stops to tell me I look like Remy Ma I’m shooting myself! (I’ve heard that one too)
People, whether you are trying to spit game or simply start a conversation… don’t do it by comparing the person to someone or something else! They might get offended!
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