I was out on the down the other night when a guy came at me with the most disturbing line EVER.
Guy “You in here looking all good.”
Me “Thanks”
Guy “You seem young… how old are you?”
Me “24….”
Guy “Damn! You look good… Like you 12 or something!”
Me “That has to be the most Ped-O-phile comment I have ever heard.”
Guy “Naw, I just like young looking girls.”
Me “I have a feeling you hang out at schools during recess.”
With that I walked away. WTF is wrong with people these days!!!!!!!!!!! You have no idea how messed up I was after that.
Okay on to the main story. So when I worked at Ebony part of my job was to give the celebrities who came through tours.
Boss “Jessica, can you give a tour around 3”
Me “Sure! Who is it?”
Boss “Jaheim”
Me (singing) “You betta put that heffa first!”
Boss “I thought it was “woman” where is “heffa coming from”
Me “He’s kind of hood… I have the feeling when he was in the studio he really wanted to say heffa.”
Boss “You’re silly”
Actually I have this thing where no matter how uplifting a song is to women…. I like to make it degrading. Whenever the word “woman” “girl” or “Lady” is sung… replace it with one of the following: bitch, hoe, or heffa. I blame my constant listening of hip-hop for this. No matter how beautiful a song is… It must be destroyed. Try it sometime. Like when a song by Musiq or Rubben comes on… change the words. I promise you will laugh. ANYWAY.
As I got off the elevator to meet Mr. Ghetto love he totally played my life! For some reason a lot of staff were in the lobby to meet him. He took one look at me and said….
Jaheim “HEY! I know you!”
Me “No…. you don’t”
Jaheim “Girl stop! I know you. You were in our section at the lounge the other night! I don’t forget a face!”
(I’m so serious when I say… I have NO idea what he was talking about… and even if I did and had met him… why was he trying to make me look like some groupie….specially at my play of employment!!???!!!???! )
Me (not caring the staff was there… I had to put this dude in his place) “Naw nigga go on with that! I’ve never seen you in my life besides on TV and I don’t appreciate you coming here trying to put me out like that!” (keep in mind I was working at Ebony… not that it makes it better that I said the “n” word… but my “hoodness” came out and not a soul blamed me for it.)
The whole lobby was quiet.
Jaheim “My bad, my bad. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Me “It’s whatever let’s move on.” (I stuck out my hand) I’m Jessica and I will be taking you around today. Thanks for coming through.”
Jaheim “Now I feel bad… hit me with the handshake. I see you young professional.”
With that I began the tour. However, Jaheim was having IRS troubles (smh) so he spent the whole time sitting down YELLING at someone.
Jaheim (to me) “You they coming after my money! I have to handle this I have to handle this!”
Me “Do what you have to do. You need some privacy?”
Jaheim “Naw, I’m going to be too loud for privacy.”
I sat there and listened to the entire thing… which took about an hour. It was the dead of summer and this dude had on a white bubble coat and some Timberlands. I was hot just looking at him. I never finished the tour because by the time he was done with the phone… one of the editors was ready to interview him. He signed a poster for me (like I really cared… no clue where that is now) and I went back to my desk.
When I walked back to my area my boss came out.
Boss (mocking Jaheim) “HEY! I KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!” (busting out laughing)
Me “I mean… was he serious???”
That’s when my friends/ coworkers James and LaToyia came over.
James “I mean… I knew you got invited out a lot, but I did not know you get it poppin like that!”
Me “That’s not even funny…”
James “For real though… how do you know Jaheim?”
Me “I DON’T! No clue what that dude was even talking about.”
James “Why you lying?” (James was always checking me like he was my man or something… Boy, BYE!)
Me “If you think about it… he would have only been in town for 2 days. Last night I was at the Sox game… and the night before that is when we all went and played pool… so there is no way I was at the club in his “section”.”
James (Laughing) “YOU RIGHT, YOU RIGHT!”
Everyone in the office started laughing about the situation. It still was not and still is not funny to me… but whatever. At least I had a good alibi. And for the record…. I would never try to get at a dude with braids… hello… you are like 35… CUT THAT ISH OFF!
Guy “You in here looking all good.”
Me “Thanks”
Guy “You seem young… how old are you?”
Me “24….”
Guy “Damn! You look good… Like you 12 or something!”
Me “That has to be the most Ped-O-phile comment I have ever heard.”
Guy “Naw, I just like young looking girls.”
Me “I have a feeling you hang out at schools during recess.”
With that I walked away. WTF is wrong with people these days!!!!!!!!!!! You have no idea how messed up I was after that.
Okay on to the main story. So when I worked at Ebony part of my job was to give the celebrities who came through tours.
Boss “Jessica, can you give a tour around 3”
Me “Sure! Who is it?”
Boss “Jaheim”
Me (singing) “You betta put that heffa first!”
Boss “I thought it was “woman” where is “heffa coming from”
Me “He’s kind of hood… I have the feeling when he was in the studio he really wanted to say heffa.”
Boss “You’re silly”
Actually I have this thing where no matter how uplifting a song is to women…. I like to make it degrading. Whenever the word “woman” “girl” or “Lady” is sung… replace it with one of the following: bitch, hoe, or heffa. I blame my constant listening of hip-hop for this. No matter how beautiful a song is… It must be destroyed. Try it sometime. Like when a song by Musiq or Rubben comes on… change the words. I promise you will laugh. ANYWAY.
As I got off the elevator to meet Mr. Ghetto love he totally played my life! For some reason a lot of staff were in the lobby to meet him. He took one look at me and said….
Jaheim “HEY! I know you!”
Me “No…. you don’t”
Jaheim “Girl stop! I know you. You were in our section at the lounge the other night! I don’t forget a face!”
(I’m so serious when I say… I have NO idea what he was talking about… and even if I did and had met him… why was he trying to make me look like some groupie….specially at my play of employment!!???!!!???! )
Me (not caring the staff was there… I had to put this dude in his place) “Naw nigga go on with that! I’ve never seen you in my life besides on TV and I don’t appreciate you coming here trying to put me out like that!” (keep in mind I was working at Ebony… not that it makes it better that I said the “n” word… but my “hoodness” came out and not a soul blamed me for it.)
The whole lobby was quiet.
Jaheim “My bad, my bad. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Me “It’s whatever let’s move on.” (I stuck out my hand) I’m Jessica and I will be taking you around today. Thanks for coming through.”
Jaheim “Now I feel bad… hit me with the handshake. I see you young professional.”
With that I began the tour. However, Jaheim was having IRS troubles (smh) so he spent the whole time sitting down YELLING at someone.
Jaheim (to me) “You they coming after my money! I have to handle this I have to handle this!”
Me “Do what you have to do. You need some privacy?”
Jaheim “Naw, I’m going to be too loud for privacy.”
I sat there and listened to the entire thing… which took about an hour. It was the dead of summer and this dude had on a white bubble coat and some Timberlands. I was hot just looking at him. I never finished the tour because by the time he was done with the phone… one of the editors was ready to interview him. He signed a poster for me (like I really cared… no clue where that is now) and I went back to my desk.
When I walked back to my area my boss came out.
Boss (mocking Jaheim) “HEY! I KNOW YOU!!!!!!!!!!!” (busting out laughing)
Me “I mean… was he serious???”
That’s when my friends/ coworkers James and LaToyia came over.
James “I mean… I knew you got invited out a lot, but I did not know you get it poppin like that!”
Me “That’s not even funny…”
James “For real though… how do you know Jaheim?”
Me “I DON’T! No clue what that dude was even talking about.”
James “Why you lying?” (James was always checking me like he was my man or something… Boy, BYE!)
Me “If you think about it… he would have only been in town for 2 days. Last night I was at the Sox game… and the night before that is when we all went and played pool… so there is no way I was at the club in his “section”.”
James (Laughing) “YOU RIGHT, YOU RIGHT!”
Everyone in the office started laughing about the situation. It still was not and still is not funny to me… but whatever. At least I had a good alibi. And for the record…. I would never try to get at a dude with braids… hello… you are like 35… CUT THAT ISH OFF!
2 comments:
LMAO @ "you look like you 12 or sompin (I am sure that is how he pronounced it)" I remember that Jahiem story, too hilarious. And I am telling Torin that you dissed him.
J you are BEST! "Naw Nigga...!"
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