There are just some moments in life that are awkward… like the time I made a bunch of my guy friends watch Tyra with me. It was the episode when she had the velvet clitoris puppet and told the audience “your vagina is like a self cleaning oven” yea… not something you watch with the guys.
That ranked up there with when I was in 6th grade and my mom took me bra shopping. Being a tomboy I hated the whole experience (I rocked a sports bra and taped my boobs down up until this point… I know you are probably thinking that is weird… but some girls just have problems dealing with puberty okay!) Well… 2 boys from my class were in the store with their mom and walked up to me right as my mom was holding some frilly pink bra concoction to my chest. I was mortified! Till this day Ryan and I still joke about it. It wasn’t till a few years ago I realized that my mom still bought my bras (I made her do this so I would not be caught in the act again)… I now buy my own.
Right before I was off to Texas to begin my college experience mom took me to do some dorm shopping at Wal-mart… at least…. that’s what I was suckered into believing we were doing. At the time Des Moines only had one Wal-mart so you would see everyone and there mamma up in that joint.
Me “Mom, why are we going to the medicine section… you have to pick up a prescription?”
Mom “No, I want to show you something.”
Me “I have deodorant…”
Mom “I know”
Me “I have razors”
Mom “I KNOW just come with me!”
I did not have a good feeling about this. As I suspected…. there I was in the condom isle with my mom!
Me “Why are we looking at condoms?”
Mom “Because you are about to be 14 hours away from me and I need to make sure you are protected!”
Me (I joke when I am mad uncomfortable) “Well… can we just go get a gun or a knife or something?”
Mom “Your health is a serious matter. Now, I am 45 years old and I am done raising kids. I am not sending you off to school and you bring me back some kid to raise.”
Me “I’m not going to get pregnant!”
Mom “You have sex, you will get pregnant!”
Me “I won’t have sex can we just get out of here!”
My mom then began to explain the difference between ribbed, spermicide, and the brands. I don’t know if I was mad that I was getting condom lessons 101… or the fact that she thought there was a possibility I was going to be turning tricks at school!
Mom “Now pick some out.”
Me “I’m GOOD!”
Mom “I want to know that I sent you off with all the knowledge. Pick some out!”
Right as I was reaching for some random condoms (I was temped to get the Magnums, but I thought now was not the time to joke) this guy I used to talk to (and never had sex with) came over on his way to pick up a prescription. HE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND KEPT IT MOVING!
Mom “Hi Patrick!”
Me “ OHHHHH NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I’m LEAVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I then took off running out of Wal-mart. My mom met me like 10 min later by the car.
Mom “That’s not like you to run??”
Me “He probably thinks I got turned out!!!!!!!”
Mom “Turned out?”
Me “I see I’m going to have to teach YOU some stuff!”
Mom “Well… let’s just go back in so you can get your stuff….”
Me “How about we just go to Target!”
That ranked up there with when I was in 6th grade and my mom took me bra shopping. Being a tomboy I hated the whole experience (I rocked a sports bra and taped my boobs down up until this point… I know you are probably thinking that is weird… but some girls just have problems dealing with puberty okay!) Well… 2 boys from my class were in the store with their mom and walked up to me right as my mom was holding some frilly pink bra concoction to my chest. I was mortified! Till this day Ryan and I still joke about it. It wasn’t till a few years ago I realized that my mom still bought my bras (I made her do this so I would not be caught in the act again)… I now buy my own.
Right before I was off to Texas to begin my college experience mom took me to do some dorm shopping at Wal-mart… at least…. that’s what I was suckered into believing we were doing. At the time Des Moines only had one Wal-mart so you would see everyone and there mamma up in that joint.
Me “Mom, why are we going to the medicine section… you have to pick up a prescription?”
Mom “No, I want to show you something.”
Me “I have deodorant…”
Mom “I know”
Me “I have razors”
Mom “I KNOW just come with me!”
I did not have a good feeling about this. As I suspected…. there I was in the condom isle with my mom!
Me “Why are we looking at condoms?”
Mom “Because you are about to be 14 hours away from me and I need to make sure you are protected!”
Me (I joke when I am mad uncomfortable) “Well… can we just go get a gun or a knife or something?”
Mom “Your health is a serious matter. Now, I am 45 years old and I am done raising kids. I am not sending you off to school and you bring me back some kid to raise.”
Me “I’m not going to get pregnant!”
Mom “You have sex, you will get pregnant!”
Me “I won’t have sex can we just get out of here!”
My mom then began to explain the difference between ribbed, spermicide, and the brands. I don’t know if I was mad that I was getting condom lessons 101… or the fact that she thought there was a possibility I was going to be turning tricks at school!
Mom “Now pick some out.”
Me “I’m GOOD!”
Mom “I want to know that I sent you off with all the knowledge. Pick some out!”
Right as I was reaching for some random condoms (I was temped to get the Magnums, but I thought now was not the time to joke) this guy I used to talk to (and never had sex with) came over on his way to pick up a prescription. HE JUST LOOKED AT ME AND KEPT IT MOVING!
Mom “Hi Patrick!”
Me “ OHHHHH NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I’m LEAVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I then took off running out of Wal-mart. My mom met me like 10 min later by the car.
Mom “That’s not like you to run??”
Me “He probably thinks I got turned out!!!!!!!”
Mom “Turned out?”
Me “I see I’m going to have to teach YOU some stuff!”
Mom “Well… let’s just go back in so you can get your stuff….”
Me “How about we just go to Target!”
A few days later Patrick called.
Pat "So... when did you start putting out."
Me "Never. Mom was helping me shop...."
Pat (busts out laughing) "What in the hell!!!!"
Me "You know I intern in the Governors’ office. I am presenting on safe sex practices and the benefit of living in a pro choice society."
(that dummy believed me HAHAHAHAHAHA)
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