On Sex and the City Carrie Bradshaw had a Russian Luver that whisked her away to Paris! Monday, a Russian entered my life too!
Okay, mine came in the form of my new physical therapist…but after all those awkward positions he made me assume during my hour session… hell, he might as well be a luver. Why could I not get a female therapist? I hate having to bend over in front of dude so he can “evaluate my back muscles”. Not only that, but there is a language barrier that kicked my brain into overdrive trying to figure out what he was asking me.
Russian “Where it hurt?”
Me “My back?”
Russian “Yes, The back where it hurt?”
Me “Lower”
Russian “What caused it?”
Me “Well, if you read my file I have scoliosis… so for a while now…..”
I gave him a min. to review the file. I just did not feel like I should have to explain ALL that has been going on with my back. (read this post if you have not been following http://whatisthisvelvet.blogspot.com/2009/01/my-neck-my-back.html)
Russian “I see…. Would you like a gown to put on so I evaluate?”
Me “With the back open? I’m good… I’ll tuck the back of my shirt under my bra.” (This aint no free show!)
He felt down my spine for a while then had me move and stretch a bunch of different ways.
Russian “Do you know your right pelvis sits higher than the left?”
Me “Yes, one leg is longer than the other. I’m supposed to wear a lift in the left shoe.”
Russian “You don’t wear it?”
Me “HELL NAW! It makes my left shoe tighter and it is uncomfortable walking… not to mention it’s really special ed to have to wear a lift in your shoe.”
Russian “Who is Special Ed?”
Me “Nevermind…. No I don’t wear my lifts… I don’t even know where they are anymore.”
Russian “Also… your left side of your spine sits deeper in your muscles than the right. If you touch here you can feel in.” (Too bad I don’t drive… cause with this new piece of info I sure would be applying for a handicap spot!)
Me “So is that why it hurts so bad?”
Russian “That and you have practically no muscle mass back here to support spine. You must build muscle.”
He then practically body slammed me in the area that sits deeper. My eyes instantly watered!
Me “OUCH!!!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!”
Russian “You should do Pilates”
Me (giving him evil side-eye for his prior action) “At the suggestion of the doc I went to one class… I have another tonight.”
That night I went to a different Pilates session. We had to do it barefoot. THE ROOM WAS RANK. I thought I was going to pass out! What were these people ingesting for them to smell like that!
10 min after class was supposed to start in walked the instructor…. Dressed from head to toe in 2004 House of Dereon. HOTT MESS! She was swolled all up.
Teacher “I am Pafima. Welcome to advanced Pilates!” (WHHHAAAATTT!!!!! I THOUGHT THIS WAS BASIC! OMG I’m GOING TO DIE!)
This lady practically had me p-poppin on a handstand! This morning when I woke up I could not lift my hands over my head. I don’t know if I’m going to mess with Pafima anymore! But if Pilates will give me Michelle Obama arms… I’ll stick with it for a little bit.
Okay, mine came in the form of my new physical therapist…but after all those awkward positions he made me assume during my hour session… hell, he might as well be a luver. Why could I not get a female therapist? I hate having to bend over in front of dude so he can “evaluate my back muscles”. Not only that, but there is a language barrier that kicked my brain into overdrive trying to figure out what he was asking me.
Russian “Where it hurt?”
Me “My back?”
Russian “Yes, The back where it hurt?”
Me “Lower”
Russian “What caused it?”
Me “Well, if you read my file I have scoliosis… so for a while now…..”
I gave him a min. to review the file. I just did not feel like I should have to explain ALL that has been going on with my back. (read this post if you have not been following http://whatisthisvelvet.blogspot.com/2009/01/my-neck-my-back.html)
Russian “I see…. Would you like a gown to put on so I evaluate?”
Me “With the back open? I’m good… I’ll tuck the back of my shirt under my bra.” (This aint no free show!)
He felt down my spine for a while then had me move and stretch a bunch of different ways.
Russian “Do you know your right pelvis sits higher than the left?”
Me “Yes, one leg is longer than the other. I’m supposed to wear a lift in the left shoe.”
Russian “You don’t wear it?”
Me “HELL NAW! It makes my left shoe tighter and it is uncomfortable walking… not to mention it’s really special ed to have to wear a lift in your shoe.”
Russian “Who is Special Ed?”
Me “Nevermind…. No I don’t wear my lifts… I don’t even know where they are anymore.”
Russian “Also… your left side of your spine sits deeper in your muscles than the right. If you touch here you can feel in.” (Too bad I don’t drive… cause with this new piece of info I sure would be applying for a handicap spot!)
Me “So is that why it hurts so bad?”
Russian “That and you have practically no muscle mass back here to support spine. You must build muscle.”
He then practically body slammed me in the area that sits deeper. My eyes instantly watered!
Me “OUCH!!!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!”
Russian “You should do Pilates”
Me (giving him evil side-eye for his prior action) “At the suggestion of the doc I went to one class… I have another tonight.”
That night I went to a different Pilates session. We had to do it barefoot. THE ROOM WAS RANK. I thought I was going to pass out! What were these people ingesting for them to smell like that!
10 min after class was supposed to start in walked the instructor…. Dressed from head to toe in 2004 House of Dereon. HOTT MESS! She was swolled all up.
Teacher “I am Pafima. Welcome to advanced Pilates!” (WHHHAAAATTT!!!!! I THOUGHT THIS WAS BASIC! OMG I’m GOING TO DIE!)
This lady practically had me p-poppin on a handstand! This morning when I woke up I could not lift my hands over my head. I don’t know if I’m going to mess with Pafima anymore! But if Pilates will give me Michelle Obama arms… I’ll stick with it for a little bit.
1 comment:
You are too much!
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