The Girl Who Cried Penis

Today I got a facebook friend request from this girl Megan. In middle school she tried to clown me for having a “big butt” and “fat lips”. I got on her hard for having a “Pinocchio”… (her nose was on the large side). Thing is now, those features she used to poke fun of me for… women spend thousands of dollars to get and men find attractive. I wonder how much play that nose is getting her?

The things kids should have made fun of me for… were considered cool. My headgear and glow in the dark braces were a hit at all the slumber parties. My hairclips crafted of shoelaces... all the girls loved. But for some reason it was my butt, legs, and lips that attracted the jokes. Kids insisted on calling me GBG (ghetto booty girl) and when I would be standing in the hall (I’m bow legged) the boys would come up behind me and hit me in the back of my legs…. causing me to fall and drop all of my books. I’m by far guilty of my share of clowning too. After all, when you dish it you have to be able to take it!

The year was 1996…. 6th grade. Our class was watching “the film” … you know the one that talks about puberty and all the changes and feelings your body is having. The last thing I remember seeing on the screen was an erected penis.

Me “Where am I?”

School Nurse “The nurses office… you threw up and passed out during the film”

Me “Really? Well… I feel okay… can I go back to class?

School Nurse “I think you are dehydrated… did you run the mile today in P.E.?”

Me “Yes, fastest time I’ve ever had!” (I was SO proud)

School Nurse “How about you eat some of these crackers and drink some juice. Sit here and let me watch you for a little bit. There is only 30 min left in the school day anyway. I’ll send you back to class to get your books.”

The nurse was right. When I walked back in the room the janitor had covered my “accident” with the oatmeal (remember that disinfectant stuff they used to put down that signaled someone threw up).

Female Classmate “Are you okay?… they showed the male private and you just threw up and fainted!”

Me “I don’t remember even doing that… I was probably just sick from beating you in the mile” (I had to make sure she knew no matter what… I was still one of the best athletes in school)


My classmates had a field day with my barfing! For the rest of the week my new nickname was “PENIS GIRL”.

2 years later I tossed my cookies yet again in front of my classmates while in advanced biology (I was a science nerd). We were watching the childbirth video… and my stomach and eyes couldn’t take it. I’m sorry, but watching childbirth was gross then… and it still is today. I did not get made fun of for throwing up this time… only because everyone else found that video to be utterly disgusting as well. But it did signal that whenever the human body was on the tube… don’t sit by me.

Junior year of college I was sitting in a lecture of about 300 students when the girl next to me passed me a note. It read: "How are you PENIS GIRL?" I scanned the rows of the class looking for who sent it. 5 rows down there they were… 2 boys from my 6th grade class hi-fiving and laughing historically. I started laughing too and kindly flashed them my middle finger. It was almost a decade later and I STILL had not lived that down.

I could become the next Oprah or the Diddy of media. Might someday be the president of NBC or write the next Cosby Show. But to the alum of Westridge Elementary I will always me known as….. the girl who couldn’t handle the penis.