"Harpo, Who is this woman?"

I have to admit. 08 was a stressful year and let's just say… Oprah wasn't the only one eating her feelings. I have a membership to Ballys, but the closest one is in midtown… and I’m just too lazy to get on the train to go workout. New York Sports Club is right on the corner from my apartment. My roommate has a membership there and has been kind enough to assist me in my weight loss efforts by letting me use her card.

I’m a plain Jane when it comes to my work out routine. Just put me on a treadmill. As I was getting off the mill to call it a day one of the clubs trainers approached me.

Trainer “That’s it? That’s all you are going to do?

Me “Hey, I did a lot for someone just getting back on the wagon. 2 miles… I’m done!”

Trainer “How about you give me 10 min to work you out.”

Me “I’m telling you upfront I cannot afford you.”

Trainer “How do you know you can’t afford me? We have not even talked about all that.”

Me “Unless you are free… I cannot afford you. Perhaps you are unaware but this is a recession. I'd rather be thick and have shelter than to be toned and homeless.”

Trainer “Come on now girl, I just want to hip you to game about working out. Show you some stuff. I'm not going to press you. All the stuff I show you you can do on your own. But that pathetic cardio routine of yours is not going to cut it.”

By this point it was getting obvious he was flirting with me and I just wanted to go. I hate talking to people at the gym. Just standing there in a pool of sweat. Besides… there was nothing new he had to show me. I played sports throughout high school and have had personal training before… but because he was cute… I went with it.

Me “10 min and I’m leaving”

Trainer “So what’s your name?”

Remembering that my roommates name is on the club pass I just used her name.

Me “Charreah”

10 min turned into 30. Being out of shape… that was the longest 30 min of my life and I was mad at myself for doing it. All those squats and planks had me winded.

Trainer “NOW YOU’RE WORKING IT! PUSH IT! PUSH IT!…. GIVE ME 10 MORE!”

This cutie just got all Harvey from Celebrity Fit Club on me… it was time to go.

Me (struggling to get off the floor) “Okay… I’m done with this now. Thanks for your time!”

Trainer "I'm not done with you!"

Me "Well, I'm done with you... and there is some birthday cake flavored ice cream at home with my name on it!"

Trainer looks at me like you better not.

Me "Okay I'll eat some sugar free jell-o. But for real... I'm leaving".

Trainer “Oh no you don’t! Come over here to the computer so I can set you up for some personal training.”

Me “Didn’t we already have this conversation?”

Trainer “Don’t worry about it.”

He logs into a computer and proceeds to type in C-h-a-r-r-e-a-h.

Up pops a giant picture of my roommate on the screen! I was just busted for sneaking into the club! We look NOTHING ALIKE! PLAYED MYSELF! Hmmmm...

Trainer (extra confused) Who is she?

Me “uh… uh… uh… that is my stepsister. Her job has a discount here... my membership is under her name… she is Charreah. My name is Jennifer. (I was SOOO lying, but I was trying to make the situation better)

Trainer “Okay…. Jennifer…. What is your last name……?”

Me “Got to go by!”

I took off oh so fast down the stairs to the locker room. Grabbed my coat and bag and ran out of the gym. Having worked at the YMCA back in the day I know how they like to do people who cheat the system. I was not getting put on blast by a club manager.

Well so much for me working out. I’m too scary to go back there incase my pic is hanging on the wall marked WANTED FOR TRESPASSING!