She was a Devil With the Blue Dress On!

New York City subway system provides me with great entertainment. From the little kids break dancing for change… to the homeless man who sings “Lean on Me” (oh the irony) on the 3 train… I never have a terribly boring ride.

Last night I was on my way to Times Square to see “Notorious” when this hoodlum looking young man sat across from me. As I clinched my purse tighter (hey, he fit the profile… don’t judge me!) he did something unexpected. He pulled out a blow pop and got to sucking. I tried not to snicker and look the other way… but I could not help it.

Dude “Yo, is there a problem shawty?”

Me “No, no problem.” (I knew my outbursts would get me into trouble one day… I was just hoping he was not going to kill me for it.)

Dude “A man can’t have some candy?”

Me “You can have whatever you like” (oh lawd…I did not mean for that to sound like the TI song)

Dude “For real though…. Why you laughing?” (Since he was pressing me so hard… I decided to keep it real)

Me “There are just some foods that grown men look funny eating.”

Dude “Like…” (was he really taking it this far?)

Me “Like Blow Pops, corn dogs…. pretty much anything on a stick. My homeboy and I also confirmed that guys should not eat anything with pink frosting… like cupcakes. Yea…You don’t look very manly eating a cupcake with pink frosting…. Not a good look”

Dude then tried to look at me like he was all mad.

Me “come on… if I was sitting here suckin on something you would be all up in my mouth. Trust me… I’ve been eating those Flintstone Push ups and have had dudes all up in my grill saying inappropriate stuff. I did not mean to laugh at you. You got another one?”

Dude (extra salty) “ No”

I began to think of the time my friends and I were at Tick-Tock Diner over on 34th and 8th talking about the weird stuff we have witnessed on trains.

Alex “I’ve seen a couple having sex on the train yo! Some people watched… some moved cars.”

Tony “I’ve seen a dude light up a crack pipe and smoke it”

Flex “I’ve seen a man masturbate to a girl. She had her back turned to him reading a book. She did not even know”

Everyone “THAT’S GROSS!”

My roommate once told me about her co-worker who had a purse on her arm and when she got off… the strap was still around her shoulder… but the purse was gone!

It would be months later until I experienced a guy standing up holding onto the pole with one hand and his “manhood” with the other. Just whipped it out for all to see as he took a leak in front of me and 3 other people in the car.


But the weirdest thing that I’ve seen did not happen to me on the train…. It happened around 11:45pm as I was walking to the train station on 145th and St. Nick one Friday night.

As I was turning the corner leaving my friends house a woman wearing a blue dress (one of those blue church dresses…. like she was on the deaconess board) walked towards me. She looked fresh from church…. except for her hair …which resembled the puffy shape of Fredrick Douglass. She was more like the devil in the blue dress! Anyway, she stopped about 4 feet in front of me. She had a wild look in her eye. I was alone and got kind of scared. I froze in place.

She turned her back towards me… squatted down low… lifted up her dress to expose a pair of dirty granny panties… and (as my grandfather would say) “broke wind.” While she was still squatted she looked over her shoulder to peep my reaction. However, I did not have one… I thought I was seeing things. The woman then got up and just walked past me as if she did not fart at me.

I tried to block it out my mind. The next day I called my friend and told her the story.

Me “It was like a drive by farting!”

Friend “Are you sure she didn’t moon you?”

Me “No… you bend over to moon…. You squat when you need to relieve something. Plus, I heard it. I feel so violated.”

Friend “Maybe she resented you.”

Me “What do you mean?”

Friend “Well… with the gentrification of Harlem.”

Me “But, I’m black….”

Friend “Yea, but you are not from here. Perhaps she’s just upset that things are changing.”

I don’t know what her reason for feeling like she needed to pass gas at me was. But, NO ONE… no matter race, creed or class deserves to get farted at!