Grab a Towel Let's Work it on Out!

(I never thought I would one day be hating on Tocarra!)

The truth hurts and today I got bitch slapped by it! So my friend put some new pics up on facebook. There I was… looking extra overweight and sitting in front of a plate of pancakes smothered in syrup! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!!!!!! Now I know the real reason why dudes in the club have been calling me Jennifer Hudson! It's not because we are both brown with nice smiles.

I ran and got on the scale that I have been avoiding for quite sometime now…. My mom was right… I’m 20lbs heavier than I was this time last year! Damn.

The Dr. told me that my back problems could possibly be worse because of a rapid weight gain. I was told I needed to cut some lbs… but in the same sentence doc instructed not to do any cardio because of the way my bones rub together (lack of cartilage). How am I to drop weight and I cannot workout or lift anything over 30 lbs? So… I just tossed her advice to the left and have continued to eat my chips and salsa and watch TV all day.

My eating habits have been terrible… New York is the culinary capital of the WORLD! Between that… and my cheap diet which now consists of noodles and sauce (I refuse to call that ish spaghetti) 2 for a $1 honey buns, peanut butter, popcorn, fried chicken and waffles, cereal, candy… yea… I guess that’s the problem. I've killed my metabolism.

This afternoon my homegirl hit me up on g-chat.

Homie “We are all meeting at Virgil for happy hour… you coming?”

Me “I can’t drink, but I’ll come chill” (sober since Jan 1st... medication will do that lol)

Homie “ GREAT! I just put the pics up on facebook from last weekend”

Me “brb I’ll go look.”

That’s when I saw those Jessica McFatty pics. Looking a lil TOO happy to be at brunch.

Me “I CAN’T COME OUT!”

Home “LMAO, Why the change? What happened!”

Me “I’M GOING TO THE GYM! RIGHT NOW!”

With that I put computer to sleep. Threw some workout and shower stuff in a bag and went to the train. One reason I have not been working out is because my gym is on 33rd… right by where I used to live… I’ve been too lazy to go over there.

The gym has changed a lot since last July.

Me “May I have a towel please”

Trainer “We no longer do towel service” (damn recession!)

Me “So then why has my membership fee not gone down?”

Trainer (Laughing) “I would not know”

Me “Well I’m going to need you to get someone who does!” (We always tryna get something for free LOL)

Trainer “You forreal?”

Me “As real as the Korean hair on Beyonce’s head!” (I love talking crazy!)

A manager came out and gave me the number to corporate. I will be calling to get a deduction on my membership first thing in the morning!

I’m in the worse shape of my life. After 30 min on the elliptical and an arm rotation on the weights… I WAS DONE!

So… this whole weight thing is NOTHING new to me. I’ve really been dealing with it since puberty. That’s why when people get on Oprah, Jessica Simpson, and Janet… I get offended because I know how hard it is… and I’m not a public figure.

Where to begin. Well, playing sports I was always told I would be faster if I did not have a booty. I danced from age 2-15… around 14 I noticed my teacher gradually moving me to the back…. the “big girl” row for ballet and point…. Then with jazz, tap, and funk… moved me back upfront. Around that same time my homeboys started referring to me as “thick”. I modeled in high school (print ads) and there was always an issue because I had a “chubby face”… being that some jobs I did not book based off my headshot because they did not realize my body was much smaller. In theater I had to lose weight so I would not always be cast as someones mom….. When I was pursuing broadcast journalism it was suggested I lose 10. Oh, and my mom is a health nut. Was I ever REALLY fat… NO, I’m just shaped like a black girl. And I have a sweet tooth. That’s all.

The one time I did “lose control” was my freshman year. Living in athlete housing I kicked it with the football players who were always inviting me to roll to eat at 2am. All those late night trips to waffle house and Whata Burger took its toll. Plus we had a Pizza Hut in the campus cafeteria… and the late night poker games where we played for candy instead of money. Most people gain the freshman 15…. well…. I put on the freshman 35. I’m an over achiever what can I say. It took most of sophomore year to get that off… and now… I’m in the same predicament yet again. But instead of doing crash diets, pills, or slim fast (sorry Dawniece after my slim fast binge to get into my cheerleading skirt… I can’t do it again) I’m actually going to workout and cut the access amounts of junk. Since graduating high school I’ve been everywhere from a size 15 (freshman year) to a 4 (graduated college at that. Yes, Asad, Meek, Dawniece, and Richelle you told me I looked a HOTT Crazy Mess that small... and I vow never to do that ish again!). 50 lbs of weight ups and downs since 2003.

I know I’ve said I was going to start working out before… but by me actually taking the time to write this post and alert whoever reads this about something personal… I’m forreals!

This is not so much for cosmetics, but if in fact my back would feel better with some lbs off… then it’s for the best. Most people know I’ve been stressed out for the past year… and yes I do eat my feelings… but I’ve got to put the Crumbs cupcakes, fried calamari, Starbucks Rice Krispi Squares, and Sour Patch Watermelons down and take some responsibility for my actions. So if you are really my friend, please encourage me. If I decline to eat out… don’t take it personal. It’s only temporary until I gain control over my willpower again.

Health is important. I know I have a history of going crazy by limiting myself to certain food groups and working out hardcore… but honestly with the whole back thing… I have to take it slow. With that said I am on a track to a healthier me and I am doing this reasonably. 10 lbs by summer. I’ll worry about the other 10 later. Now I must try to get some sleep tonight. I have to get up early (10 am LOL) for Pilates.

Oh and to everyone on the 3 train today. I’m sorry. I now know to bring my own towel to the gym so I can shower. My funk was on a 100 million trillion!

(and don't try to run to facebook and look up pics... they are blocked! "I'm smarter than the average bear!") ;-)

NoSpace

You know that saying curiosity killed the cat… if I were a cat… I would be DEAD… or at least one of my nine lives would be gone.

So a home girl from back in the day hit me up recently on facebook and said she had been looking for me forever on myspace. When I told her I was not on there… she explained that EVERYONE was and that it is good for “networking”. I decided to create a page. Then I realized something… most of my friends on myspace were my same friends on facebook… what was the point of this? That’s when I decided to play detective and look up people I went to high school with.

WOW. I saw it all. Girls who now strip, people frontin all extra hard like they are thugs in a music video… pulling all of their money out of the bank so they could pose with it. Pure foolishness!

I found out my ex has a baby… different baby moms than the 1st. Her name is Mz. Bitch… her blonde hair looks like she washes it with “Let’s Jam” she is on myspace for “Networking.” (side eye) she had a count down on her page to when she gets her license back. It gets worse. You know how people feel the need to post their ultra sound pics on facebook? (I DETEST THIS!) This chick (age 31 who lives on “shot gun alley” and works at Apple Bees) put the C SECTION pics on her page! GROSS. In her blog entries she has talking a lot of ish. The ones where she puts A.C. on blast are my personal favorite… but the one where she took the baby to get “a line up”…. HEFFA JUST SAY HAIRCUT!!!! You are NOT down just because you learned some terminology. HAHA I was entertained for about 2 hours.

I was having a blast being noisy! All this juicy gossip for me to see! That’s when I got an email saying that I had received a message from someone named Lee. I logged onto myspace to check it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

There she was… a big beastly Queen La in Set It OFF looking “female” telling me that I was fine and that she would like to get to know me better. She included her personal email address….. ummm…. FALSE!

I have been Virtually VIOLATED!!!!!!!!!! I quickly tried to close my account, but myspace makes this hard to do. All these pop ups appeared asking me as to why I wanted to close my account. Then more pop ups explaining how I can change my settings. I declined it all! I closed the account and then received an email saying it may take up to 48 hours for this process to be complete. My friends have all been laughing at me.. saying “You deserved what you got” really? I deserve the shame of being sexually assaulted via the internet! YALL AINT RIGHT!

I’ve learned my lesson. I will no longer try to snoop in the business of the myspace folks… I’ll just stick to being in the business of my 800 and sum “friends” on facebook.

On another note. I was thinking. I need my own show “J Wils Road to Redemption”. TI takes the typical shock approach… showing wanna bees the consequences to their actions by visiting prisons and cemeteries for a few min. I want to make my subjects live the experience. I would go to small cities like Des Moines and gather girls who think it’s cute to be “loose”. I would actually bring them to New York and give them a Harlem pimp and put them to work for the night. For all the “thugs”… I would take them to Compton and make them participate in an actual gang initiation. WHAT FUN! That show would never air though… too much liability for the network. If you REALLY think about it… that mess would be too funny.

Got Me a Cadillac, Cadillac, Cadillac.. Got me a Cadillac Car... OOH OOH (gotta love dream girls!)

(78' Lac)


(83' Dodge)
My family moved to West Des Moines from Eat Moline IL when I was 10. My mother’s job transferred her… so my father quit his job in order for the family to move. This is why no man could ever top my father… that’s love right there.

While my parents were getting their financial situation in order they bought my mom a new car for her to drive to work and my dad drove this beat up 1983 dodge that my parents named Susie. I was embarrassed to be seen in that thing… and my dad knew it.

Me “Dad, you mind letting me off on the corner when you take me to school?”

Dad (getting my point) “Are you sure you don’t want me to pull up in front?”

Me “VERY sure!”

Now, before you think I was a totally rotten kid, I went to school with rich white people. I was the only black kid in the 4th-6th grade and already had some issues I was dealing with because I was “different”. Even though I knew we weren’t poor and that this car was temporary…. to my friends… it looked hood and the last thing I wanted people thinking was that I was a poor black kid. Looking back on it I should not have not cared what they thought… but after all…. I was 10.

My dad had promised me he was going to pick me up from soccer practice in my mom’s car… but on this day she had to work late. I heard the car coming from around the corner.

Teammate (laughing) “Your ride is here!”

That’s when I kicked the ball hard and aimed it at her face. It made contact… she cried and my coach yelled at me. I had to run 3 laps around the park before I could leave practice.

Once I was done I got in the car. My dad and brother saw what I did to the girl, but dad was laughing too hard to yell at me.

The ceiling of the car was made of cloth and it hung down. Dad had not stapled it back up yet, so I had to hold it up so it would not rest on my head. Since mom was working late dad was taking us to get dinner.

Back then Hardees (now Carls Jr. in most places) sold the best chicken and biscuits ever! As my dad was pulling out of the drive thru… the car died.

Me “Dad, stop being funny!”

Dad “I’m not… the car stopped.”

He got out and pushed as I steered us out of the drive thru. The car magically started… then stopped again once down the street. There we were. Three black people sitting on the side of the road in the suburbs eating a bucket of chicken next to a busted car. I had just come from soccer so my hair was all over my head, my brother had stains on his shirt from his afterschool program… and dad was just looking really angry and cursing up a storm. We looked a HOTT MESS!

That night when we finally got home I was too happy to hear my mom say that we were getting a new car!

Well… it was worse. They bought a 1978 gold and brown Cadillac for $200 (Side-eye). Too bad Pimp My Ride was not out then… cause I sure would have nominated this car. My dad had the same whip as an 80 year old deacon. At least I did not have to hold the interior up in this car.

Praise the Lord… we’ve come a long way since those days!

Fashion with Verdi

(Above Robert Verdi)

New York Fashion Week. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! (depending on who you are lol) I felt like it rained most of the time… and because of the recession designers really scaled back on their shows… some such as Betsy Johnston and Vera Wang pulled out entirely. Even Kimora did not put on her usual tranny festivities.

Speaking of tranny I was sitting at home watching Tyra… learning about how some single women are so desperate to be in relationships they marry gay men (Oh Tyra!) when I got an email from one of my editors over at a celebrity gossip mag asking me to cover a party. I can always use the money! But the one thing that bothers me about doing it is this… you knew all day you wanted to send someone out…. Why are you emailing me at 6pm to attend a red carpet event that starts at 8pm. COME ON PEOPLE! I have to get glam-a fied AND take a 45 min train ride downtown. Plus it was for Fashion Week…. can I at least get some notice so I can go cop a new dress?????

In New York you learn to play it off. When you can’t go shopping the best thing to do is throw on all black and rock ubber accessories. I had on every piece of gold jewelry I could find and gave myself the smokeiest eye my Chanel shadow could give me. Since I no longer work full-time I have not wrapped my hair in a min… detangling took about 40 min… grimy I know but at least I’ve been brushing my teeth.

I was told to get interviews from Robert Verdi (I love this man! For those who don’t know he’s a celebrity stylist… I’ve interviewed him before… he’s ALWAYS fun!) Kim Raver, and……. MS. JAY ALEXANDER FROM AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL!!!!!!!!!! The event was for this foundation that provides money for up and coming designers to showcase their clothing during fashion week. They are responsible for putting some of fashions best like Zac Posen and Derek Lam on the map.

I had no clue who this Kim chick was… But I did not have time to research to find out. The event was at Greenhouse… NY’s first eco friendly club…. Ummmm… this going green thing is going too far. How are you an eco friendly club? Are the glasses made from recycled materials and the dance floor biodegradable? WHO CARES! Anyway, As I was walking up to the door to pull out my ID and credentials…. I realized something…. I FORGOT MY WALLET IN MY OTHER BAG! DAMMIT!

Bouncer “ID?”

When in doubt fake your importance

Me “Oh no, I don’t need ID… Is Tasha the PR Rep inside? She is expecting me. I’m covering this event for her. (as I was saying this I pulled my recorder out as proof I was a journalist)

Bouncer (Lifting the rope) “Come on in”

I was greeted at the door by some reps and I introduced myself. I love covering events because people kiss your ass in hopes that you will give them a cover story or something… when in fact I have NO control over that and out of everything I write the mag might just use two sentences as a caption to a picture… but I let them think I really care. There was no formal press line so I was directed to the VIP area… due to medication I can’t drink so I sat there and turned down all the free cosmos that were offered. But I DID tear UP the food. The mini quesadillas, spring rolls, and ravioli bites were OFF THE CHAIN! Now it was time to figure out who this Kim chick was I was supposed to interview. When in doubt… ask a gay guy,


Me “ OMG… did you hear Kim Raver is supposed to be here!!”

Gay guy “ I KNOW she is just FAB in Lipstick Jungle!”

That bullshit still comes on? Who knew? Welp that’s really all I needed to know.

PR Chick “Our guests of honor will be here in a min Jessica and I’ve set up a private section for you to conduct interview! Is there anything I can get for you…..”

Me “Yes hon, Can you get some more of this quesadilla things (mouth all full) they are fire!” (If you know me… I keeps it real no matter what LOL)

My interview with the kim chick went pretty good. I had to play it off. I asked her all about her fashion week experience… her personal style…. Her involvement with tonights event… and then came the Lipstick Jungle questions.

Me “So, What’s next for your character in Lipstick Jungle?”

Kim “I think she is really looking to become a mother. But struggling with that because she is a really intense career woman and loves her career and I think women today can relate to that. We are in an amazing time where women are really hitting there stride in so many different ways whether that’s actors, women in business it’s a great time for women. But they are also struggling with wanting to get married and have children but its happening so I think it’s a really great thing for Nico to go into and also trying to decide between hottie Kirby and very hottie Griffin!

Me “OH MY! DECISIONS DECISIONS! It’s hard when you got it like that!”

Kim “ That’s Right! Decisions Decisions! It’s a win win either way!”

I ended the interview there… I was not trying to out myself for not knowing who the hell this woman was! I take it "Nico" is who she plays on the show... LOL! I wish that was video taped. I know my face had the "WTF look" going on!

Next stop was Robert Verdi! We talked about everything from his love of Tyra Banks, to where the fashion industry was going to Chris Brown and Rihanna to WTF is going on with Kanye West’s hair LOL. MS. J came over in the middle. Can I just say he is NOTHING like he is on TV. He talks like a regular dude off the street. He was dressed like a normal metrosexual man… only with a perm and tapper. I was kind of disappointed.

Robert “Jess! So I’m having a swag party tomorrow! Give me your card and I will email you the invite! YOU MUST COME OVER! It’s at my house. Promise me you’ll come!”

Me “But of course!”

I left the party around 11. I still had to transcribe tape and write a story all to be in by 7am. The parting gift for the party was a bottle of Merlot Wine. Around 1am I got the invite from Robert. My first personal invite to a semi-celebrity NY home! I was excited! The event was from 12 til 4 pm. My friend Kim is always looking for a reason to get up from her desk at InStyle so I took her with me.

This man lives in a condo over on 30th and 7th! His place was SICK, DOPE, ALL THAT AND MORE! IT WAS HUGE! Home theater playing Devil Wears Prada and everything! Kim and I agreed the place is at least worth 4 million. I can’t even begin to describe the décor… but it looked funky like someone who dresses most of Hollywood. Ms. Jay and his 7 ft 20 in self was there too. The food was amazing. I got really shy at this thing… I felt kinda like some little girl that was just saved from the projects and taken into the home of a billionaire. Kim had to keep telling me to calm down… eventually I did, but for one of the first times in my life I felt completely out of my element… then my inner drag queen spoke up “HONEY! YOU BELONG HERE YOU FABULOUS FLY THANG! YOU BETTA WORK!”

I was cool the rest of the time chumming it up with Robert and some other designers that were there. Kim and I got HUGE gift bags when we left. The True Religion Jeans were like a size 3 though…. Womp womp… but we got TONS of drink mixers, beauty products, spanx lol, books… etc. Those bags were at least 40 lbs! 40 lbs of freeness… GOTTA LOVE IT!

Welp, that was some of my Fashion Week… beats the last one I did where I practically worked the fashion closet the whole time (those of you who work fashion closets feel my pain) THE WORST!

Off topic… but I really wanted Taraji to win an Oscar tonight. She still looked fab though… and Beyonce had a new look…. LOVED IT! Still does not make up for me not getting to see what Rihanna would have rocked to the Grammys… but it will have to do

Hood Rats+ Gun Shots = Drake Relays

(James wins top spot on my list of greatest mug shots of all time)

Drake Relays is the Midwest version of the Penn Relays or the Texas Relays. It’s the one time a year Des Moines, Iowa ever has parties or concerts. Back in the day the parties were dope and headliners like Nelly would come. Now in days the parties are boo and has been artists like Black Rob or one hit wonders like Lil Boosie come.

I actually attend the track events (most people hang outside to bee seen) because I was in track 6-12th grade and enjoy watching the sport. But as far as the parties and stuff… those days are long gone…for some reason Jr year of college I let someone drag me out.

The Val-Air Ballroom is the most hoodrat infested place on earth… and that is where the big party was. When I walked in my ex’s brother and his hoodlum cousins and friends were there.

Brother “J! You can’t speak no more?”

Me “Whatever, you know I’ll always have you.”

My ex’s brother was always in and out of juvey and I had made it my personal mission to get him on the right track. He had just turned 18 so the next time he messed up…. Off to be with the big dogs. He’s a pretty boy (looks just like the character Evan Ross plays in the movie ATL) … I don’t want to even imagine what would happen to him in the pen.

Me “Have you been going to school? You know I’m still tight with faculty up there and I’ll just call and ask.”

Brother “Yes mom, I’ve been going.”

Me “Loves ya babes!”

Brother “I love you too.”

With that I said what’s up to the rest of the felons and assumed my position in the section of the party for people who did not want to be there. I was actually having a good time talking to old friends who were really trying to do some stuff with their lives when the sound of gun shots polluted the air and everyone started screaming and running. I was knocked to the floor and out the corner of my eye I saw one of the hoodlum crew members stuffing a gun in his pocket and they took off. No one was seriously injured.

When I got outside I saw my ex’s brother being cuffed and put into the back of a squad car. I yelled out his name and he turned to look at me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a face look so scared.

My ex and I had not been on speaking terms for a couple of months… but now I had to set our beef aside… this was bigger than us. I called.

Me “ OMG A.C. !”

A.C. “ J! Are you at that party???!!!!”

Me “Yea, I’m here… your brother is being put in a squad car… with everyone that could possibly bail him out!”

A.C. “I know! I’m broke as hell! I got fired again from Subway.” (How the hell you get fired from making sandwiches? Cutting the six inches too big? He sucks at life!)

Me “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it. All the dope dealers yall know… I’ll get my money back by the end of the night. He needs to sit in there for a min though and let that mess set in. I’m going to run my girls home and then I’ll go to the jail.”

As I was taking my last friend home A.C’s ringtone went off on my phone. (Kelis’ “I Hate You so Much Right Now”)

Me “What’s up?”

Trick “Bitch I know you aint callin my man! I seen this number in his call history saved under “Love Dove!” (He’s never called me that corny ish to my face LOL)

Me “You must be mistaken coming at ME like this! I don’t know who you think you are and if that is your man then you need to ask him why I’m “Love Dove” in the phone. Take it up with him!

Next thing I hear is A.C. yelling in the background “Jessica she’s crazy! I don’t want her!”

Me “No! YOU are crazy for sitting there and letting her dial my number!”

I ended up having to pull over on the side of the road so I would not get in an accident as this trick and I had it out. I ended up getting hung up on. Then A.C’s mom called my phone.

Moms “Jessica Honey! That girl is a nobody! She is one of A.C’s sister’s friends who stalks him when he is over here. He does not even like her! Now he is upset and just took off walking. I don’t know where he went! Please come over here so we can settle all of this. I miss you!”

Me “A.C walking off is the least of your problems…. Your other son is sitting in jail right now. He was with Jere and all of them!”

Moms “MY BABY IS IN JAIL???!!!! TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!”

Me “I don’t know the logistics of it all, but I’m going down to the station to get him out. Hold up I’m getting another call.”

Operator “You have a collect call from the Polk Country Jail. Would you like to accept?”

Me “Yes”

Brother “JESSICA! YOU HAVE TO COME GET ME OUT!!!!!!!!! I didn’t mean no trouble!”

Me “You have no idea how mad I am right now. Between you, your brother, and some rat he had all up in the phone I am too through!”

Brother “Talisha? That girl is a runner! Anyway! You know you’ll get your money back tonight! Just please come and get me out! I’m too old now for juvey!” (lol remember when runner= hoe?)

I went and got A.C’s brother and took him over to his moms… A.C. was sitting outside when I pulled up… still trying to play like o’le girl was a “stalker”. I got out the car with my Waiting to Exhale game face on.

Me “I am not the one!”

A.C. “I KNOW! But she is a NOBODY! Look… She is not even here!”

Me “Only cause you knew I was coming over here with your brother. Why I am partaking in this ghetto ass drama I don’t even know!”

A.C. “BECAUSE THAT’S LOVE!”

Me “ OH HELL! What’s love got to do with it?”

A.C. “Can you chill out so we can have a conversation!”

Me “We have NOTHING to converse about!”

A.C. “I CAN’T STAND YOU! You are tripping and don’t even know the facts and won’t let me explain anything! You are a piece of work!”

Me “YOU JUST GOT FIRED FROM MAKING HOAGIES! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WORK! And I’ll tell you this… that’s not the first time you’ve had someone ring my phone. You got one more time and that’s not a threat it’s a promise!”

(By this time everyone in the house was outside ROLLIN at my Subway joke which only got A.C. even more heated)

With that I drove off. It would be another 3 months before A.C. and I would talk again. And yes, I got my bail money that night. As far as A.C.’s brother… I don’t know what he’s up to these days. But I’ll always have mad love for dude… I just hope he’s doing the right thing and hanging around the right people. NO MORE DRAKE RELAYS FOR ME…. EVER!!!!!!!!!

Homecoming Week

("Stop, drop, shutem down open up shop! Oh, No, THAT'S A ROUGH RIDERS ROLL!")


I might be one of the few people who will admit that they had a BLAST in high school! One year during homecoming week I realized the importance of communication.

My BFF Dawniece and I were in charge of making the morning announcements. We took this job very seriously (yeah, right). WE CLOWNED our way through this. ANWAY during homecoming week we had to announce the theme for the next day so students could dress appropriately to show their school spirit.

Over the intercom

Me (extra corny) “Hey Dawniece!”

Dawniece “Hey Jessica!”

Me “And good morning Roosevelt Rough Riders!” (Our mascot was hot)

Dawniece “Do you know what tomorrow is?”

Me “It’s wear your house shoes day!”

Dawniece “That’s right Riders! So make sure you rock those house shoes!”

Me “And be comfy all day long!”

As soon as we walked out the office we were bombarded with kids who did not know what house shoes were.

Demetri (everyone has a smart nerdy kid named this or something close at their school) “Um, Jessica what are house shoes?”

Me “They are shoes you wear in the house… you know… soft shoes.”

Demetri “You mean slippers?”

Me “Are those house shoes?”

That’s when Dawniece and I realized… the black students knew what house shoes were.... I guess this was a cultural thing.

Demetri “The word “house shoe” is not in the dictionary!”

Me “Well have you looked?”

Go figure. He pulls a dictionary out of his bag and looked it up. It was not there… but slippers was.

The rest of the day was the battle of the house shoes vs. slippers. I HAD ENOUGH! At the end of the day I got back on the PA and make the same announcement substituting house shoes for slippers.

The following day we got on the PA and announced the theme would be “Old school day”.

I had the perfect outfit. I was going for an Aaliyah/ Left Eye look. Sagging my overalls only snapping one strap, a throw back jersey, and some Reebok pumps all… while slicking down my baby hair.

School started at 8am… but if you wanted a parking spot you had to be there at 6:30. That’s when we would congregate in the cafeteria and talk trash about what everyone had on (kids are evil). As I walked in I saw people had a different idea of what “old school” meant. Some students were dressed 50’s with poodle skirts and stuff… some 70’s…. but my BFF and her sister were OFF THE CHAIN. They ran into the building dressed like some runaway slaves!

Me “Dawniece! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?”

Dawniece “I took it back old school!”

Me “Yea, you took it back to when blacks weren’t allowed to be in school!”

That’s when my history teacher walked in wearing an Iowa State Hoodie.

Teacher “Good Morning Jessica! Thanks for planning a day I could actually participate in. I’m wearing my old school!” (insert crickets chirping here)

The next day was pajamas day… which is forever banned at my school. Some hoochie from this “gang” called clitoris (I’m not making up the name of the gang… anyone who attended the “Velt” from 01-05 can attest to this foolery) decided to wear some lingerie straight from the clearance section of Ru 21.

Welp, so much for homecoming week.

My high school was off the chain! The parenting class had a “bring a child to school day” The purpose was to show students how difficult being a teenage parent would be. Sounds like a good idea? Not when most of the student body just brought their OWN kids to school…. HAPPY FREE CHILDCARE DAY! Let’s also keep in mind how deadbeat teenage dad had to watch as the new boyfriend walked hand in hand with baby moms and the little one into econ class. Yea, once the community got wind of that…. it was NOT a good look for the school.

I'm Sick and Tired of Being.... TIRED! Part Dos

Okay this is crazy and it’s mind blowing to me how my roomie sleeps through all of this. Some lady in the apartment below is getting Chris’ed (prior to Feb 8th I would have said Ike’ed)

It is now 1:07am… the upstairs people are still having step team, tumbling, and bowling practice (I’m being sarcastic) and now domestic violence is coming from underneath. All I hear are the chilling screams and cries of a woman… the couple is yelling in Spanish… so I can’t understand a thing. Glass is breaking and I hear a lot of banging. Neighbors are now beating on the apartment door asking her if she is okay.

I feel like Kim Wayans character on In Living Color “I aint one to gossip so you didn’t hear it from me!”

I don’t know what be goin on in this building! Last night fried chicken was all on the floor in the hallway. The police came a few weeks ago because someone was busting beer bottles on the stairs. One of our landlords has his jump offs in and out. I need to move into a building with more white people…. cause real talk the police would have BEEN here by now. Poor lady has been screaming for the past 30 min. I live right across the street from the police station (one of the reasons I moved in). People are just ignoring her… shoot… I’m blogging about it.

Okay, so if you read about how I can’t sleep because of my upstairs neighbors… let me continue.

Sunday I wrote them a kind letter politely asking them to keep it down during sleeping hours. I slid the note under their door. They slid it back saying “Am sorry. Thanks for note. It’s not we.”

A few hours later the nice African college student who sometimes helps me carry in my groceries and his father came to my door. I did not know they lived above me.

Father “Thanks for kind letter, but it is the people above us and their wild children making all the noise.”

He went on and on about how he’s talked to the woman and how they need to be moved into another building. I don’t think her noise would travel to my apartment… but whatever. I thanked him for talking to me and I wrote to the woman 2 floors up. She came downstairs and we talked… there is no way it is her making the noise. She told me the African family has not once came to complain about her and that she was going to have it out with them. SOMEONE IS LYING AND I WILL NOT REST (literally) UNTIL I FIND OUT WHO! I’m just too fly to have dark circles and bags under these eyes!

The fight has now moved into the hallway and is echoing LOUDLY. I purchased some $7 earplugs yesterday. They are the kind they use at the shooting range. Ummmm I need a refund cause I still hear noise.

Welp, 5-0 is now in the building... I hear them on the talkie thingy. Intersting... the upstiars foolishness has now quieted down. This might be my chance to sneak in about 10 min of shut-eye

A TV Dinner and Some Unwanted Advice

By now you have probably noticed the train and the laundry mat are 2 places I do not like to spend much of my time. The last I must add to this list is Pathmark… the most ridiculous grocery store on the planet.

Let me set the scene. Imagine a store where the lines are wrapped around the store perimeter, shoppers curse out the cashiers, the fruit looks like someone bashed it with a stiletto, and you have to double check to make sure someone did not pre-open your chips. Oh and we must not forget the constant blasting of the Keyisha Cole CD over the PA system.

I experience some kind of drama every time I go. I once overheard this foolishness between a manager and employee.

Manager “When you get done with that please stock that shelf”

Employee “I DON’T COME TO WORK TO WORK!” (It took everything I had not to ask dude…. “then what the hell do you come to work to do?”)

Another time I was in the cereal aisle minding my own business when a woman of about 42 with a mustache thicker than Geraldo Rivera popped up in my face out of nowhere.

Mustache woman “Hey, how about you let me buy your stuff with my food stamps and then you give me the cash outside.”

Me “I’m good” (ummm first of all… that is a federal offence. Second, I’m supposed to give you hard earned cash for some stamps the government gives you for FREE? FALSE! TRY AGAIN!)

Mustache woman (with an attitude) “WHY NOT?!”

Me “Cause I don’t want to. Now if you would excuse me I need to continue shopping”

That’s when she did something I did not expect. She cursed me out like I just damned her mother!

Mustache woman “You hateful arrogant ass mutha fucka! Think you better than everyone else, you aint better than shit! In here thinking you the shit when you aint! Fuck you!.....”

She went on down the aisle screaming at me!

Last weekend I was in the frozen food section buying TV dinners and getting my jam on to the PA system (they were playing Busta “Arab Money”) when an older woman came up to me.

Woman “Are those on sale?”

Me “No, they aren’t ma’am.”

Woman “Are they filling?”

Me “They are okay… then again I snack a lot so….”

Woman “Well, why my dear? Do you not know how to cook?”

Me “I don’t cook (different than saying I can’t) … and these are fast… just pop them in and go.” (what’s with the 21 questions?)

Woman “You don’t have anyone to cook for?”

Me “Well, I guess not. I’m single… no kids…. These work for my life.”

Woman “That’s what’s wrong with you career girls these days! Poor baby don’t know how to cook. Pretty girl and single. Just sad. What a shame! (Did she really just try to HOE my life ???????? and in PUBLIC!)

It got worse…..

Woman “You know… life is nothing unless you have someone to share it with” (okay Billy D. Williams in the Diana Ross classic movie “Mahogany”)

Me “No disrespect, but I’m working hard in order to lay the foundation for my future family. Have a great day! And the mushroom pizza and enchiladas are my favorite meals. You wont be disappointed.”


Will someone from Bethal Missionary Baptist Church please come get Sista Jenkins and explain to her that nothing is wrong with getting an education and some work experience in before the family. And then ask her to find the scripture which says that eating TV dinners is a sin. All these trifling females out here and I’m the one she chooses to lecture.

Mind you… there was a woman in line damn near pistol whipping her kids for trying to help her sack the groceries.

Abusive mother “Stop touching Shit! I can’t stand you little fuckers!”

Kids “Mamma we just trying to help you!”

Abusive Mother “You can help by shutting the hell up!”

And that my friends is why I won’t be cooking for no one until I’m READY!

Eat Fresh!

I went to Subway tonight... I need to lay off the Chinese. As I was about to pay for my order I noticed the sign that said “ONLY CASH NO CARDS TODAY”. I went to Subway because I did not have cash on me....the true reason for not getting Chinese. As I was about to leave to run to the ATM… the brotha behind me offered to pay for my sandwich.

Me “Thank you, but it’s okay. I will just go and get cash.”

Man “It’s okay I got it.”

Me “Are you sure?”

Man “It’s only a 5 dollar footlong….”

With that he bought my sandwich… told me to have a wonderful night and we went our separate ways.

As I was walking home I could not help but to smile… it’s not often people do nice things for you… let alone strangers. I did not have to give him my number or engage in an awkward flirting session. And it’s sad that we are programmed to think that when a guy is being nice… he has ulterior motives. What’s worse is that this kind act shocked me so. We live in a world where we are conditioned to do for ourselves and not expect help…. or kindness for that matter.

When I got home I threw my keys on my nightstand. They landed next to my wallet. WHOOPS! I didn’t have a way to pay for my sandwich anyway! "God is good all the time and all the time God is good!"

(Don't a free meal always taste better!)

Happy V-day!

I've been waiting for just the right moment to post this! Check out Justine Simmons with her man the good Rev sounding like a female T-Pain all while working out a form fitting red dress. We see you gurl!



Here is one of my fav-o-rite scenes from Living Single. Kyle Barker wasn't really my type... but after this song... he could get it... and by that I mean a passionate hug and a hi-five ;-)

I'm Sick and Tired of Being.... TIRED!

The time is now 3:35 am and I am not an angry black woman, but an IRATE black woman. I have a huge day today and the 300 lb man and his pet elephant that live upstairs have decided to play a game of one on one… but instead of a basketball, they are using a shot put. I am now in the living room listening to the R&B station on the TV to drown out the sounds. But I’m really not feeling the late night groves of Luther and Tony Tony Tone… I’d rather be in my OWN bed!

I have no idea who lives above me other than the fact that they are loud as hell no matter what time of day. Last night they decided to pull out the leaf blower and early this morning I was awakened once again by their harmonica…. Stevie Wonder they are not. About 5 min ago I was going to march on up there and ask them kindly to shut the fuck up, but then common sense kicked in. This is NY… who knows what I would be walking into.

People have NO courtesy. Yesterday I decided to go see “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Like most sista’s, I have hips. There is nothing worse than being on the train and another thick hipped sista sits next to you (especially when the car is full of available seats). Now we are in the seat sitting tighter than the face that is Vivica Fox. I thought I was going to have to rub Crisco between us to get out!

Once in the theater I had to move seats not once, not twice, but THREE times. The first couple I was sitting by… they were trying to make a baby once the movie started. …. GROSS. I moved… and the females behind me wanted to chit chat about their personal relationships during the film. I moved. The next seat felt wet… so I moved. Finally a perfect seat! That’s when dude behind me decided to go in mad hard on his popcorn! Crunching all extra hard like it was manna from GOD. I had ENOUGH!

Me “Yo SON???!!!” (I starred him down like you would a 5 year old cutting up in church)

He quieted down and I was finally able to enjoy the movie. Like I said… What’s up with the courtesy these days?

I am now beating on my ceiling with the broom. Stay tuned, this might get interesting…………………

What You Say?

One evening I felt like picking an argument with my boyfriend (now ex) just for the fun of it. It had been bothering me that I had yet to meet his mom… so I picked a random night to voice my concerns.

Me “So… Why have I not met your mom?”

A.C. “Here we go. You don’t need to meet my moms.”

Me “Yes I do. You’ve met my family… and you even came to church with me so, you have met everyone who has ever had a hand in raising me…. What’s the deal? I’m not good enough to meet your mom?”

A.C. “It’s not that… my mom is just a little different… that’s all. I don’t know if you two will get along….”

Me “Is it because I’m black?”

A.C. “J! My father is black, my mom does not have a problem with black people.”

Me “Well, I’m the first black girl you’ve ever dated. I don’t get it. I practically live over here with you and your brothers… your son… I treat and love like he is my own…. I’ve even met your baby moms mother… so why can’t I meet your mom?”

A.C. “My son loves you, my brothers love you isn’t that enough?”

Me “Nope… cause it’s the women who really matter… I’ve yet to meet your sister too.”

A.C. “Okay I will arrange for you to meet my sister.”

Me “I’d rather meet your mom… and this relationship is not going any further until I do.”

A.C. (really upset with me) “Whatever. Can we finish watching What Not To Wear… I can’t believe you make me watch this BULL SHIT with you every Friday. If this does not show I love you… then I don’t know what would… cause I’m out here looking suspect.”

Me “What’s suspect is that I have not met your mom.”

A few min later A.C’s brothers come in. We were all the same age (A.C. was 4 years older than us).

Brother “Aye J! I have to run by my moms to pick something up… would you mind taking me over there?”

A.C. had sold his car a few weeks prior and I was the only one in the house with a car (and a licenses) so I was running everyone around.

Me “I’d LOVE to take you to your mom’s”

A.C. “J, give me your keys… I’ll take him.”

Me “I don’t let other people drive my car… it’s too risky.”

A.C. “You for real are just going to walk up in my mom’s house?”

Me “You know I’m not the one to sleep on an opportunity!”

A.C. was salty and refused to come with…. So his brother and I hopped in the car and drove over there. When we walked through the door… all eyes were on me. A.C’s sister… her boyfriend, their 2 kids, and a few cousins were there.

Brother “Mom! A.C’s girl is here!”

Moms “Tell her to come out on the deck.”

I walked out there to find A.C’s mom… lighting a blunt, drinking from a brown paper bag, and cursing everyone out. I now understood why he did not want me to meet her. We were brought up totally different…. And our moms… don’t even compare.

Moms “So you’re the rich girl A.C. is seeing… you’re cute.” (this was awkward)

Me “I’m rich in spirit ma’am… and that you for the compliment.”

She offered me a seat and we got to talking. A.C’s sister and 7 year old niece came to the deck to join us. We talked for about an hour and then ended up watching an episode of the Jamie Foxx show. By the time I left the whole family loved me!

7 yr old niece “Mom, I want to be like Jessica when I grow up… she’s really cool!” (I was loving this)

When I got back to A.C.’s he was on the phone

A.C. “Yes mom… I know she’s great… I won’t mess up… I was going to come with her, but she left me….yes down to earth….she knows she’s funny… smart… yes…..I was going to bring her by but she’s always busy…. Driven yes….. okay put Kevin on the phone…. What’s up cuz!... yea she was bold for going by herself… but that’s how she is…. I know man… I WON’T MESS UP! Yea… mom invited us over for dinner tomorrow.”

Me (beaming) “I take it my visit went well… what time is dinner?”

A.C. (laughing) “I underestimated you… I should have known you would not turn your nose up on my people. I can’t believe you watched Jamie Foxx and started cracking jokes.”

Me “Hey, remember something…. never be ashamed of your mom… at the end of the day she brought you into the world. And anyone who thinks they are too good to be around her… then they just are not the person for you.”

The next day at dinner the house was packed. Everyone was having a good time. A.C.’s mom made the best collard greens and mac and cheese I had ever tasted (I didn’t know white people even cooked greens). Then the phone rang.

Moms “I’m just over here… yea got a house full of niggas….” (DID SHE JUST SAY THAT?)

Everyone turned to look at me and A.C’s cousin… the only 2 “full” black people in the room. I turned to the cousin.. but he was too into his greens to care.

Moms “You have a problem Jessica?”

Me “No problem… can someone pass me the pepper?” (I was trying to let it slide)

Moms “I laid there and had all these nigga kids… so I have earned the right to say the word.

This was one of those moments in life I didn’t know what to say. I looked over at A.C…. who could tell I was really uncomfortable. He was giving me the “I hope we can continue to be together” look.

Moms “I said it in a joking tone Jess….”

Me “I know you did…. But it’s like…..”

A.C. “J, lets go”

Me (bracing myself to no longer have a boyfriend) “I come from a long line of child rearing black women. My mother was in labor with me for 28 hours… the dr.’s pronounced her dead to my father. She did more than carry me… and to this day she has never referred to me or my brother as a niggas. So, the fact that you feel you earned your right… your logic I have an issue with.”

The entire room got quiet.

Moms “A.C….”

A.C. “Before you get started she has a point…..”

Moms “Let me finish. This is the first girl you have ever brought in my house who has any kind of class and integrity. I like it! Jessica, you have earned my respect.”

I let out a huge breath of relief and everything in the house was poppin once again.

Moms (giving me a hug) “Wow, your mom must have had a tough labor.”

Me (laughing) “She is reminds me every time we get into it.”

Eat the cake Robyn Fenty, Eat the cake

I used to shadow a prominent journalist in Chicago whose career no one could touch with a ten foot poll. From scoring interviews with iconic figures such as Martin Luther King to hip hop moguls like Jay Z… one could only dream about being in the industry for over 40 years.

Journalist “Jessi!” (because he was like 80 I never corrected him)

Me “Good afternoon sir. How are you?”

Journalist “What are you doing my dear”

Me “I know you want me to say I’m writing… but to be honest I’m at Lawrence’s Fishery over on Roosevelt and Canal eating a pound of shrimp and drinking a grape pop.”

Journalist (Old man laugh) “Well can you get here in about 2 hours. I am conducting a phone interview and I think you would enjoy listening in.”

Me “I sure can! Who are you interviewing?”

Journalist “I’ll tell you when you get here… your old school music loving self will enjoy this!” (older people find my love of 60’s music endearing)

Me “Ah, well I know Aretha Franklin always request that you conduct her interviews… soooo I am going to assume it’s her.”

Journalist “It’s not Aretha… but you will get a KICK out of this Jessi!” (Only he would be on a first name basis with Aretha Franklin.”

I hung up and the investigative journalist in me got to thinking. He is known for dropping clues as to what I would be doing… hmmm…. I would get a “kick” out of this… and a music artist. OMG! MICHAEL JACKSON! That “kick” is a signature move! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MJ is my idol and whether you know me or not… you just know I love me some Michael. 2 hours later I went to the journalist’s office.

Me “Thanks for letting me listen to your Michael Jackson interview!!!”

Journalist “Is that who you think I am interviewing? No, Jessi… I’m doing a story on Ike Turner.” (oh, that kind of “kick”…. Ike… Joe Jackson… I was close right?)

Me (acting like I’m beating myself up) “Tina Turner… Proud Merry Ike?”

Journalist “That would be it. And please refrain from slapping yourself during the interview.”

With that he got Ike Turner on the phone. Ike is actually a very accomplished man. He did a lot for the music industry. Then of course Journalist asked him about Tina and the movie What’s Love Got to Do with It.

Ike “"If I owe anybody an apology, that would be Tina," he said. "I put her through hell with other women. I regret it today, but I can't undo it."

Ike then went on to say that the movie was not an accurate depiction and that there are two sides to every story. That’s when he said something to this affect:

Ike “I never hit Tina… just shook her up a bit… maybe slammed her… but not everyday”

RING THE ALARM! HOLD UP WAIT A MIN! Did he really just say that? As if shaking her up and suplexin her ass was alright, just as long as he did not clock her???? Journalist quickly reminded him of the fact that he did admit to hitting Tina in a People Magazine article back in the early 90’s.

Journalist “and I quote you “All the fights Tina and I had were about her being sad about something," he said. "I get real emotional if you're worrying and don't tell me what it is. Then I can't think about nothing else. So I'd slap her or something like that” end quote.” Are you retracting this confession?

Ike got upset and talked about how that movie ended his career. For all of eternity he would not be remembered for his mark in the music industry nor the fact that he is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame…but for a movie that portrayed him as an abusive monster.

When the interview was over I felt bad for Ike Turner for a second. He had a point. Despite his musical success… he will always be known as Ike “Eat the cake Anna Mae” Turner. A few months after the phone interview… Ike Turner passed away.

The public can forgive a celeb with an addition, criminal record, weight issues, sex tape… and as R Kelly has proven loving underage girls, (I know you want me to say something about my MJ but I WON’T DO IT!) but a woman beater…. Not so much.

This whole memory was brought on by the recent events of Chris Brown and Rihanna. That would suck if at the height of Brown’s career… he was found guilty and had to fall from grace. Imagine that E! True Hollywood story… it would only cover like 2 years of his fame. But the freaky comparison about the whole Chris/Ri Ri and Ike/Ti Ti… both had a huge drama on a major award show night.

Remember these quotes from the movie:

Tina : “So what you gonna do? Huh? You can do whatever you want to do, I don't care. But I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. Those people out there tonight, they come to see me. You can do what you want to, shoot me, Pistol whip me.”

Tina “My husband and I just had a fight. I'm supposed to open at the Academy tonight. I have 36 cents and a Mobil card, and if you just give me a room, i swear I will pay you back.”

(What’s Love Got to Do With It came one today… oh the irony)

Jokes aside abuse is not okay. “Anna Mae If you die I'll 'keel' you, hear me bitch I'll 'keel' you!” Yeah Ike……….you only shook her up. (insert side-eye here)

Train Drama

Photo credit: Charreah Jackson. Mark Anthony for the movie edit LOL

At 11pm I was leaving Ruby Tuesdays in Times Square to get one the 3 train. When the train doors opened there was a drunk man… passed out…. stretched out on the floor. Everyone shifted to one side of the car… leaving many seats vacant.

Dude was knocked out and harmless. I was not standing all the way back uptown. Another girl felt me on that so we stepped over the man and took a seat. That’s when this scary man blocks the car doors and signals to the police.

The police came and yelled for the drunkard to get up. He was too gone and could not form a word. Passengers became irate… one thing about New Yorkers… NO PATIENCE.

Woman “Who the f*&^% got the cops! This is New York people! If the police were called every time there was someone passed out on the train WE WOULD NEVER GET ANYWHERE!” (valid point)

Man “I GOT THE COPS… WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO RIDE LIKE THIS!”

Woman “THEN MOVE OUT MY CITY!” (I swear… the world is nothing but a giant 8th grade)

Man “WHAT IF SOMETHING WAS REALLY WRONG WITH HIM!” (another valid point)

Woman “GOOD THING THERE ARE F*&^kn sumira-TANS (translation Samaritans) LIKE YOU LEFT IN THIS CITY! I FEEL SOOOOO MUCH SAFER!”

Man “YOU ARE CRAZY!!!!” (I knew what she was going to say next)

Woman “I GOT YO CRAZY!!!!!!!!” (that line never fails)

Another officer gets on to calm everyone down

Woman “We could have almost been home by now!”

Officer “We are getting him off the train… then you all can continue your evening. We need your cooperation.”

The woman got quiet…. I wonder if it was because she noticed what I did… this officer was kind of on the fine side. I have a feeling she got off the train and went to holla… cause when we got moving… she was gone! (Guess she realized Valentines Day was approaching)

-Sigh-….It’s days like this I miss my car………

You Remind me of my Jeep

When I was younger I’d be out with my dad and people would stop us for autographs… you see… they thought we were Laura and Carl Winslow from Family Matters aka The Urkel Show. Did they realize that was a make-believe family? If Laura and Carl kicked it off set…. that would just be WEIRD!

After an Iowa Hawkeye football game my father and I went to Apple Bees. A table full of middle aged white women started giggling and staring at my father.

Dad “I wonder what’s their deal?”

Me “I don’t know, but I’m bout to bust a cap! Desperate housewives… looking all hard at my daddy… while I’m sitting here… and my moms at home probably slaving over a hot stove after a long days work…disrespectful heffas!”

Dad (ignoring what I said) “I’m waaaay too old to be a member of the football team.” (In Iowa City people assume that if you are a black man you play on the team and ask for your Hancock)

Me “Maybe they think you played back in the day and came back for the game or something.”

That’s when one of the women came to our table. I starred her down like she just ate the last shrimp out my pasta.

Woman “I don’t mean to bother you and your daughter, but can I have an autograph?”

Dad “Who do you think I am?”

Me “He aint nobody!... sorry dad, your someone to me… but you are not famous. Look lady, I’m the next big thing so If you want mine…….”

Woman “Like OMG! I am SOOOOO embarrassed! You aren’t Al Roker from the Today Show?”

Me “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Dad “I’m no longer wearing these glasses and am going on a diet!”

With that the lady walked away salty. She REALLY wanted to be Al Roker’s jump- off/ bust- it- baby… LOL!

Me (wiping tears of laughter) “So Al, you mind putting some of that big time weatherman money in my account!”

Dad “Keep joking and I’ll take money OUT of your account!”

A while back I was on the train with my roommate when a man with wild gray hair tapped me on the shoulder.

Man “You have a hint of Tina in your smile…”

Me “Who is Tina?”

Man “Turner”

Roommate “You will NOT say TINA like you are on a first name basis with Tina Turner!”

We both laughed. I wanted to tell this man he had a hint of Albert Einstein in his hair… but I left it alone.

We got off the train and walked onto 23rd when a dude came up to us.

Dude (to me) “Aye ma, anyone ever tell you you look like a young Lil Kim!”

My roommate buckled over with laughter. I ignored the dude and we continued on to one of our favorite night spots… Barna on 26th and Park.

By now you are probably asking yourself what slutty creation I was wearing. I had on a pair of high-waist wide-leg jeans and a grey v-neck t-shirt that zipped in the back. No hoochie here!

Once in the club we started talking to a group of young men. We were having a good time….. until one decided to open his mouth.

Young man (to me) “You got a nice style about you… lookin like Serena Williams!”

I WAS DONE! NOTHING about the Williams sisters is stylish.

Me (to my roommate) “What is up with this tonight? Everywhere we go people are saying I look like someone else… can I just be me!”

Roommate “I don’t know… but this is funny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Me “I’m going home now… and if someone stops to tell me I look like Remy Ma I’m shooting myself! (I’ve heard that one too)

People, whether you are trying to spit game or simply start a conversation… don’t do it by comparing the person to someone or something else! They might get offended!

Everyday I'm Hustlin, Everyday I'm Hustlin

Today I decided to do some window shopping at Urban Outfitters in Union Square. Just as I was coming up from the train I was approached by some little kids.

Kid “Want a fruit rollup?” (How did he know I have a weakness for fruity chewy candies?)

Me “Sure, how much?”

Kid “2 for 2 bucks!”

Me “So… one for $1”

Kid “No… you have to buy 2”

Me “Do you realize I can go buy a box of fruit rollups for like $2.75… and 8-12 come in a box?”

Kid “No”

I saw I was going to have to hip some kids to game… this is why they needed to be in SCHOOL and not on the street selling candy.

Me “How many have you sold?”

Kid “Not a lot” (he was oh so sad)

Me “Try selling one for 75 cents…. most people will hand you a buck and then they will feel better receiving change. You will still make a pretty nice profit. The economy has people tripped out… so they are unlikely to want to purchase fruit rollups in groups of 2 for $2. So let’s try it! Go up to that lady over there with the Uggs and big purse…. people who wear those ugly expensive shoes can afford a fruit rollup… just make sure it says “Uggs” on the side and not “Air Walk” or something.”

Kid “Excuse me would you like to buy a fruit rollup for 75 cents?”

Lady “Sure, why not!”

I winked at the kids and went on my way. I was proud of my good deed… helping the kids hustle.

Game Over

It’s true. Kids don’t pay attention to race until it’s pointed out.

The time had come. I was leaving Elementary heading to Jr. High! 6th grade was finally over! Our teachers had planned a weeks worth of activities to celebrate the occasion.

All four classes got together and our teachers explained the rules to a game we were going to play.

Teacher “okay kids! We are going to play name that baby! All of your parents have submitted a baby picture of you. We are going to flash each of the pictures behind us on the overhead screen. When you know the answer just yell it out!”

Sounds fun…. Right?

One by one pictures where shown on the screen and my peers and I got to guessing.

All “ That's Julie!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Teacher “Is that you Julie?”

Julie “Not Me!”

And then the class would try again and again. Some were easy… others were hard… but for the most part you really had to examine your friends.

Then my pic goes up…… the only black kid in the WHOLE 4-6th Grades.

Most of the kids yelled “JESSICA WILSON!” (there were like 10 other Jessicas so last names were in order… but it was not necessary to use it at this moment)

The rest of the kids “ZUBIN” (the Arab kid)

And there you have it. This game was no longer fun, but drew even more attention to how different I was. I shot my teacher some serious side-eye for this one.

Teacher (sort of laughing) “Well, majority guessed Jessica Wilson… is it you Jessica?”

Me (wanting to slap her) “Yes, it’s me.”

That night I went home and told my parents about the wack and racially insensitive game we played.

Mom (laughing) “I picked out a picture from when you were just born… seeing that you had Jaundice you were a little lighter. I thought that would trick your classmates.”

(Jaundice is not a disease but rather a sign that can occur in many different diseases. Jaundice is the yellowish staining of the skin and sclerae (the whites of the eyes) that is caused by high levels in blood of the chemical bilirubin. The color of the skin and sclerae vary depending on the level of bilirubin. When the bilirubin level is mildly elevated, they are yellowish).

Me (upset) “Yeah mom! SOME THOUGHT I WAS ZUBIN!”

Mom “The Arab kid with the bifocals?”

Me “That would be him….”

My parents got a hardy laugh out of that one! Looking back at it… that was really funny. Racial profiled in the 6th grade… now that’s a HOTT MESS!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

I got my dorm experience a little later in life. Like… 9 months after graduating college. My freshman year at TCU I lived in athlete housing (I did not play a sport...just lucked out) which was basically like living in an apartment. And while at U of Iowa I always opted for off campus housing.

I moved to New York Christmas day 2007. I did not know anyone here… so my boss recommended that I move into the Webster House. The Webster House is basically an all female dormitory with 300 residents ranging from 18 to 80. Most of them being from other countries… majority Germany. The place is ran by a diverse group of foreigners who speak little English. Webster is equip with communal showers, one cable television for all residents to watch, and a cafeteria that served the nastiest food to ever hit my taste buds. The majority of the woman who live there are either in the city interning, modeling, retired, or like me… just needing a place to lay their head until they figured this NY thing out.

Rent is $250-280 a week (depending on the internet package). Your room (according to my mom who works in prisons) is the size of a cell. It has a twin bed, a small dresser, sink, and a lamp. There is no room for mini fridges, microwaves, and irons… which are banned. Routine checks were done to make sure you did not have them. There is no kitchen… just the cafeteria… that only served meals at awkward hours when I was at work. There was one microwave… the line to use it was long… and it needed a cleaning… I never used it. The number one rule in this place is NO MEN…. They wouldn’t even let my dad and brother help me carry my bags up when I moved in. On the plus side the location was great… right on 34th street near Madison Square Garden.

You could request for kitchen staff to prepare you a brown bag lunch. I was trying to save money so I could get the hell up out of there… so I decided to have them make me a PB&J. If you wanted lunch you had to pick it up between 7 - 9am.

My alarm went off at 8:55am. I waited 7 min before I was able to get on the elevator. When I got to the cafeteria it was a few min after 9am.

Worker “Sorry, you’re late”

Me (wiping sleep out my eyes) “I know. I apologize. The elevator was running really slow”.

Worker “Sorry cannot get lunch.”

Me “I know it’s in the refrigerator right behind you. You guys make it the day before. Would you please just get my PB&J.”

Worker “No”

This was not a good way to start the morning. $260 a week for this hellhole… the least they could do was give me my sandwich.

Me “You are right in front of the fridge. Why are you being mean?”

Worker “I say NO can help you. You don’t understand?”

I KNOW he is not talking to me like I’m 5! He walked to the back to start the dish washer. That’s when I took it upon myself to jump over the counter and grab my bag out of the refrigerator. As I was turning around my friend Candace walked in. She was doing an unpaid internship at MTV… girl gotta eat!

Candace “Aye, while you back there get me some eggs and a muffin!”

I grabbed tray and dipped the ice cream scoop in the eggs and got to serving.

Me “How much you want girl?”

Most entertainment careers (unless you work for a news source) do not begin the work day until 10 or 11am…. because we are 3 hours ahead of LA…. so that’s why Candace and I rarely made breakfast.

Candace “You’re the best, I don’t know why they stop serving breakfast so early.”

Just as I put her muffin on the plate the worker (now very irate) comes running out the back.

Worker “cuse me! What are you doing?! Get from back here!”

Me “I came back here to get my PB&J since you were too hateful to grab it for me. My friend is hungry, so I got her some breakfast.”

Worker “This is big problem. Come with me to the office now!”

Me “Ummmm no. You see… I’m GROWN and this is not high school. I have the right to a sandwich that was premade for me. You are making a bigger deal of this than what it is!”

With that Candace and I left the cafeteria with our food. I went to my room to get ready for work. As I was coming around the corner in my towel fresh from the shower… 2 ladies were at my door.

Woman “We need to talk to you about your taking of food.”

Me “My food plan is covered in this ridiculous amount you all are charging me to stay here. You act as if I stole the PB&J… my name was on the paper bag. I understand that I was late, but if yall had more than 2 elevators for these 18 floors that house 300 people… I would have been on time. Now if you would excuse me… it is cold in this hallway and I have to be at my desk in 30 min.”

With that I pushed them aside and opened my door. One of the women walked in behind me.

Woman “You need to clean it up in here… too many clothes lying around.”

Me “My clothes don’t fit in that hole you call a closet… I can only fit 2 winter coats and 3 pairs of shoes in that thing!” (I had been there for 3 months and was still living out of my boxes and suitcases…. which added to my frustration with always feeling like I was a visitor in the city and not living here)

Woman “You have 2 weeks to pick up your clothes…otherwise we are kicking you out!”

COULD THEY DO THAT?

Me “I will have my attorney look into that.” (anytime I say this I am referring to my boy Asad who is currently studying for the bar)

Woman “I’ll be back in two weeks. Get rid of the clothes!”

I was HEATED! All this drama over some GOV-MENT peanut butter! I called my dad.

Me “Dad, can I hold $3,000” (Like my name is Hilary Banks or something)

Dad “WHAT?”

Me “I need first and last months rent so I can get up out of here! I can’t take this drama! I’VE HAD IT WITH THIS CONVENT!”

I explained to my dad what happened. He could tell I was very upset and told me to just fold all my clothes up the day before the two weeks was over and throw them in trash bags then hide them under my bed.

That night my slumber was interrupted once again by the girl in the next room. She actively practiced self love (pleasuring herself). The first time I heard it I thought she was watching porn…. then I realized it was her. I just could not deal… and could not find my earplugs which I had to buy b/c of her. I understand no men are allowed…. but she was trippin.

Me (banging on the wall) “KNOCK IT OFF YOU FREAK! GET A MAN AND GO TO HIS PLACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

It worked she stopped… and out of frustration I cried myself to sleep.

The next day my friend Toyia came to town for her job. I took her by the convent so I could drop off my work bag. I warned her that though I was living on 34th street… unlike the classic movie… there was no miracle happening at this place.

Toyia “WHAT IS THIS PLACE YOU ARE STAYING AT???!?!!??”

Me “Hell on earth”

Toyia “Did they really just make me sign in at the door? And why is the man at the door dressed like a pastor?”

Me “Because he is one… you should see the looks I get coming in late at night from 40/40 club hahaha”

Toyia “Why is there an 80 year old woman walking around in here?”

Me “I guess this place beats your fam putting you in the home… I think I’d opt for the home”

Toyia “Your family left you here??!!!??? You are not used to living in these conditions!”

Me “Shocking I know, but where else was I supposed to go… did you think I was lying when I told you how horrible this place is?”

With that I gave Toyia a tour of the bathrooms

Toyia “This is gross… I hope you have shower shoes…”

Me “I wrap my feet in plastic before I put them on… these foreign girls pee in the showers... they also leave the toilet covered with paper... like I'm supposed to sit on it....”

With that I opened the door to my room

Toyia “OH HECK NAH! GET YOUR BAG YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING HERE TONIGHT!”

Me “I’m used to it girl…. ”

Toyia “The size of this room should be illegal! Pack your bag… you are staying with me at the W Hotel tonight. I have 2 full size beds, a plasma, and we can order room service!”

Me “NO SHOWER SHOES TONIGHT????!!!!! REALLY???!!!! A FULL SIZED BED!!!!! CABLE!!!!!!!” (I have the best friends ever!)

That was truly one of the best nights I had while living in the convent. Toyia even took me out for shrimps (I know there is no “s”), lobster and strawberry shortcake! I felt like my old fabulous self. The W was exactly what I needed to regain focus. I was all over that hotel like I had never been anywhere before! Toyia is my fairy godmother.

Well, I did what my dad suggested and passed my room check. I started cutting back in the shopping area of my life so I could use that money towards food…. so I would not have to hop the counter for another gov-ment PB&J ever again.

I lived in the convent for 6 months until I found my current spot in Harlem …which I am extremely grateful for (see my blog “I’m not happy Raheem for details). To everyone who let me crash at their place (or W hotel room) I can never say thank you enough for helping me get through convent life! I love you forever!

One thing is for sure… after that… I can live in just about anything.

You Aint Got NO Job!

I hate doing laundry. I will purchase new underwear to avoid loading up my cart, dragging it down the stairs of my 6th floor walkup and wheeling it down the street to the (get this) Peaches N Klean Laundry mat on 150th.

The laundry mat is usually packed and the machines are small. It costs 14 quarters to wash and 8 min per quarter to dry. It’s easy to spend half your check at the Peaches N Klean.

There is always a woman in there acting like she runs the joint. If you are familiar with Keyisha Cole’s mamma Frankie… imagine the Puerto Rican version of her. She is always barking out orders and talking crazy… thus adding to the reason I never want to wash clothes.

Woman (sounding like an army commander) “LINE UP ALL CARTS! CLEAN OUT THE TRAY! DON’T PUT DIRTY CLOTHES IN THE BASKETS! NOTHING BUT CLOTHING ON THE FOLDING TABLE! GET YO KIDS!”

All she says is true… but does she have to be so LOUD! She is always mopping and sweeping in the way of what you are trying to do. What makes it worse…. SHE DOES NOT EVEN WORK THERE!

You see… she is a random woman off the street who thinks she “works” at the Peaches N Klean! The actual employees love her because she does their job for them.

Today I got myself prayed up and went to do a load of laundry… I have 3 more, but I wanted to get in and get out.

Woman “LINE YOUR CART WITH THE REST OF THEM!”

Me “Can I load my clothes in the washing machine first?”

While my clothes were in the dryer I went to the corner store to take a quick break from her laundry drama. When I returned I sat down and began munching on a granola bar.

Woman “YOU CAN’T EAT THAT IN HERE!”

Mind you… there is not a sign saying “no food or drink” AND she was sitting down eating a plate of Ox tails from the Jamaican spot a few doors down.

I decided to ignore her and take a big bite in her face. I then put my i-pod on.

Woman (all huffy) “OH! YOU JUST GONNA IGNORE WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HUH? IS THAT WHAT WE ARE GOING TO DO?”

The man sitting next to me saw my agitation… and me about to open my mouth to say something.

Man “Don’t do it my sista, don’t do it!”

Me “Does she realize she's not an employee?”

Man (Shaking his head) “Her pockets should know… cause there is no paycheck in there.... it's that stuff she's on”

Me (quoting the show Martin) “You Aint Got No Job TOMMY!”

We both laughed and I continued to listen to my music. Then I got to thinking…. this woman could be on to something. The Peaches N Klean might one day recognize her work and hire her. Hmmm perhaps I should just show up to a movie set one day and act like I’m in the movie and get discovered… and become rich and famous…. and then get my own reality show and clothing line…..

Hey, as my roomie says “girl, you better fake it till you make it!”

I Want to Work for Diddy!

(was it just me.... or did anyone else notice he was rocking sean john clothing in "raisin in the sun"...)

Last February I applied to a blind job on Media Bistro. The position was to be an assistant to Sean Combs. We were to write an essay as to why we would be an excellent assistant, attach a resume and picture, and scan in any reference letters we might have had. 3 days later I received an email informing me that I had made round one cuts to audition for the Vh1 reality show: I WANT TO WORK FOR DIDDY.


I was TOO excited and began calling all of my friends! Work for Diddy??!!! I walked passed Bad Boy almost every day and often times my friends would catch me starring at his gigantic billboard in Times Square. You can say what you want about Diddy, but that man is one of the best business savvy people in the business… and to just be around that is an opportunity I could never refuse.

I received a call form Vh1 casting detailing the information.

Casting “Hi Jessica! Are you excited!”

Me “You have NO idea!”

Casting “Your essay was very entertaining. Iowa huh?”

Me “That’s right!”

Casting “Great! Well we will be giving you an on camera interview this Thursday at 2pm sharp. Come to the 10th floor at 36th and 6th. Wear interview attire bring any clips or anything you would want us to pass along to Sean Combs. This will be treated like a real job interview.”

That night I had a dream that I was on the show. I was wearing IOWA shirts during my confessionals and dominating the competition. When we were asked to go to Brooklyn to retrieve cheesecake… I SPRINTED the whole way there and back. I was calling my friend Richelle from the house phone so the world would see her name appear in the “on the phone with” caption. I won the competition and was poppin bottles with Diddy in VIP… then Oprah walked in and asked me to work for her… and she became my mentor. OH WHAT A DREAM!

The next day I was crazy nervous. I walked in and they took a Polaroid of me. My first step was to talk to a Vh1 dude in an office.

Vh1 “So I’m going to talk to you for a little bit first… and if this goes well you will do an on camera interview for Sean Combs.” (I see we weren’t to call him Diddy)

Me “Sounds good.”

Vh1 “Now this show is to really find him someone who would make an excellent assistant. We are not about putting you in a house with 7 strippers or anything like that.”

Me “You mean to tell me this is not the audition for Flav of Love? Aw Man! I really wanted Flav to give me the honor by changing my name! ”

Vh1 “I see you have a personality… Great!” (he proceeds to write something down)

We talked for a while about my goals and experience. I was okayed to do the on camera interview.

I was led into a cold room where there was nothing in it but 2 folding chairs and a camera.

The interview was pretty regular. They made me look into the camera and tell Diddy why I wanted to work for him. I took off on this two min rant about how he crafted my belief system.

Me “Sean Combs, you stress to your artists that there is always someone coming to take your place. You are the reason I don’t sleep! I can sleep when I’m dead! Nothing comes to a sleeping man but a dream and I would rather be up working towards and getting mine than laying around thinking about it……….” (if you know me…. You know I BE KNOCKED OUT!... but I’d say anything to work for Puff)

That night I was called and was told I made it to round two! I went back to the same location the next day. This time…. the questions were weird.

Vh1 “Would you walk to Brooklyn for cheesecake?”

Me “I’d RUN to Brooklyn and assist in making the cheesecake myself!” (go hard or go home)

Vh1 (laughing) “So I take it you would do it. It blows my mind when people on his shows complain about that… this is an opportunity we are talking about!”

Me “I know right…. That’s why I run to Brooklyn and back everyday for my workout.”

Vh1 “REALLY?”

Me “No way… let’s not get carried away here.”

Vh1 “So tell me about your family and up bringing”

Me “I have the most loving and supportive family in the world! They would do anything for me. I’m just blessed to have the parents that I do.”

Vh1 “So you have the perfect family?”

Me “As perfect as they come!” (I really do feel this way…. Besides… I’m not about to blast my fam to get on TV)

Vh1 “Are you single?”

Me “As in unmarried… yes.”

Vh1 “I sense a bit of a player….” (mission accomplished… I can come off as prude so I had to say something that would give me a little edge)

Vh1 “Tell me something interesting about yourself that we have not talked about yet.”

This was hard because I had already given these people my life story.

Me “I breed iguanas”

Vh1 “Wow.... that’s different.”

Me “I know!”

Vh1 “Do you sell them…..?”

Me “I don’t breed iguanas… I just could not think of anything else to say.”

I was asked a few more questions and with that I was sent on my way. A friend of a friend was a production assistant for the show…. So I was aware I was not selected… but Vh1 never called to tell me that. I was disappointed, but after watching the show… they didn’t really want smart people anyway.

You Betta WORK!

I think it is safe to assume that everyone in their educational career is subjected to that teacher who has no interest in teaching… rather they spend the entire class period brining students down instead of motivating. Their goal? To embarrass every kid before the school year is over.

Mr. Johnson. I will never forget the day he decided to tell me about myself in front of my peers. Calling me “arrogant” and “naïve” simply because I found his class a waste of time. I did the work, participated…. but if I find the subject matter boring and your teaching methods ineffective… I’m not stuntin you . I was mad he called me names in class… any problem he had could have been discussed when the bell rang. When I stood up for myself… he tried to issue me a detention (I went straight to the VP’s office and got it terminated).

My good friend Nathan did drag shows. He is the original Sasha Fierce! Beyonce has nothing on my guy! (Snap for the kids). One night he was doing a show at this gay club called the Garden and invited me and my friend Sara to go.

Nathan worked it and won the competition! He ripped the runway like he was the love child of Tyra Banks and Ms. Jay! The three of us took to the dance floor to celebrate.

Sara (grabbing my arm) “OMG! Jessica! Turn Around!”

There he was. Mr. Johnson in all his glow stick glory…. backing it up with a man to the techno remix of YMCA.

Sara “We have to get out of here! I don’t want him telling my parents I was here!” (I’m usually the scary acting friend… but I was too amused!)

Me “Get a hold of yourself! I don’t think he wants your parents to know HE is in here!”

Nathan “Well! Now we know why he busted you out in class the other day Jess. He does not hate you… HE WANTS TO BE YOU! OKKKAAAAAAY!”

Sara “You guys are forgetting something… WE ARE UNDERAGE!” (Garden never carded show participants and their entourage)

With that we decided to leave, but Nathan aka Tammi aka Tam Tam just had to sashay on past Mr. Johnson. I don’t know if Mr. Johnson ever saw me in the club that night…. but we sure saw him!

I sat in 6th period the next day smiling from ear to ear! I made sure to participate! Every time I would raise my hand… he seemed scared to call on me.

I could have outed Mr. Johnson to my peers, but I never did. I didn’t like it when he judged me and slapped on the arrogant label… so I was not going to judge or label him.

Like mom says… “two wrongs don’t make a right.” Besides, it would have been like Clay Aiken, Lance Bass, or Wanda Sykes coming out…. No one would have been surprised. And whether Mr. Johnson was or wasn’t … was not the business of me or my classmates.